Carry On

I wish I’d never figured it out. That I love him.

It’s only ever been a torment.

Sharing a room with the person you want most is like sharing a room with an open fire.

He’s constantly drawing you in. And you’re constantly stepping too close. And you know it’s not good—that there is no good—that there’s absolutely nothing that can ever come of it.

But you do it anyway.

And then …

Well. Then you burn.

Snow says I’m obsessed with fire. I’d argue that’s an inevitable side effect of being flammable.

I mean, I guess everyone’s flammable, ultimately—but vampires are oily rags. We’re flash paper.

The cruel joke of it is that I come from a long line of fire magicians—two long lines, the Grimms and the Pitches. I’m brilliant with fire. As long as I don’t get too close.

No …

The cruel joke of it is that Simon Snow smells like smoke.

Snow whimpers—he’s plagued by nightmares, we both are—and rolls onto his back, one arm reaching for a moment before he lets it fall over his head. His ridiculous curls tumble back onto the pillow. Snow wears his hair short on the back and on the sides, but the top is a thatch of loose curls. Golden brown. It’s dark now, but I can still see the colour.

I know his skin, too. Another shade of gold, the fairest. Snow never tans, but there are freckles on his shoulders, and moles scattered all over his back and chest, his arms and legs. Three moles on his right cheek, two below his left ear, one over his left eye.

It doesn’t do me any good to know all this.

But I’m not sure it makes it any worse either. I’m not sure it could get any worse.

The windows are open; Snow sleeps with them open all year long unless I throw a snit about it. It’s easier to sleep with extra blankets on my bed than to complain. I’ve got used to the weight of them against me.

I’m tired. And full. I can feel the blood sloshing around in my stomach—it’s probably going to wake me up to piss.

Snow moans again, and tosses back onto his side.

I’m home. Finally.

I fall asleep.

34

BAZ

Snow doesn’t give a shit about waking me up.

He likes to be the first person down to breakfast, Chomsky knows why. It’s 6 A.M., and he’s already banging around our room like a cow who accidentally wandered up here.

The windows are still open, and the sunlight is pouring in. I’m fine in sunlight—that’s another myth. But I don’t like it. It stings a bit, especially first thing in the morning. Snow suspects, I think, and is constantly opening the curtains.

I guess we used to fight more about stuff like this.

And then I almost killed him, and squabbling over the curtains suddenly felt ridiculous.

Snow will tell you I tried to kill him our third year. With the chimera. But I was only trying to scare him that day—I wanted to see him wet his pants and cry. Instead he went off like an H-bomb.

He also says I tried to throw him down a flight of stairs the next year. Really, we were fighting at the top of the staircase, and I got in a lucky punch that sent him flying. Then, when my aunt Fiona asked me if I’d pushed Simon Snow down a flight of stairs, I said, “Fuck yes I did.”

But the next year, fifth year, I actually did try to take Snow down.

I hated him so much that spring. I hated the sight of him—I hated what the sight of him did to me.

When Fiona told me she’d found a way to “take the Mage’s Heir out of our way,” I was more than willing to help. She gave me the pocket recorder, an ancient thing with an actual tape, and warned me not to speak when it was on; she made me swear on my mother’s grave.

I don’t know what I was expecting to happen.… I felt like I was in a spy movie, standing by the gates and pushing the button in my pocket the moment I could see Snow start to lose his temper.

Maybe I thought I was entrapping him.…

Maybe I did think it would hurt him—or kill him.

Maybe I didn’t think anything could kill him.

Then came Philippa bloody Stainton ru

Snow knew I did it, but he couldn’t prove anything. And no one else could either—I hadn’t touched my wand. I hadn’t said a word.

Aunt Fiona was hardly bothered by the mistake. “Philippa Stainton—she’s not one of ours, is she?”

I remember handing the recorder back to my aunt, thinking of the magic she must have poured into it. Wondering where she got that much magic.

“Don’t look so glum, Basil,” Fiona said, taking it from me. “We’ll get him next time.”

A few days later, in Magic Words, Miss Possibelf assured us all that Philippa would be fine. But she never came back to Watford.

I’ll never forget Philippa’s face when her voice ran out.

I’ll never forget Snow’s.

That’s the last time I tried to hurt him. Permanently.

I throw curses at Snow. I harass him. I think about killing him all the time, and someday I’ll have to try—but until then, what’s the point?

I’m going to lose.

On that day. When Snow and I actually have to fight each other.

I might be immortal. (Maybe. I don’t know whom to ask.) But I’m the kind of immortal you can still cut down or light on fire.

Snow is … something else.

When he goes off, he’s more of an element than a magician. I don’t think our side will ever put him out or contain him, but I know—I know—that I have to do my part.

We’re at war.

The Humdrum may have killed my mother, but the Mage will drive my whole family out of magic. Just to make an example of us. He’s already taken our influence. Drained our coffers. Blackened our name. We’re all just waiting for the day he takes the nuclear option—

Snow is the nuclear option. With Snow tucked in his belt, the Mage is omnipotent. He can make us do anything.… He can make us go away.

I can’t let that happen.

This is my world, the World of Mages. I have to do my part to fight for it. Even if I know I’m going to lose.

Snow is standing in front of his wardrobe now, trying to find a clean shirt. He stretches one arm over his head, and I watch the muscles shifting in his shoulders.

All I do is lose.

I sit up and throw my covers off. Snow startles and grabs a shirt.

“Forget that I’m here?” I ask. I stride over to my wardrobe and lay my trousers and shirt over my arm. I don’t know why Snow lingers over his clothes like he has big decisions to make. He wears his uniform every day, even on the weekend.

When I close my wardrobe door, he’s staring at me. He looks unsettled. I’m not sure what I’ve done to unsettle him, but I sneer anyway, just to drive it home.

I get dressed in the bathroom. Snow and I have never dressed in front of each other; it’s an extension of our mutual paranoia. And thank snakes for that—my life is painful enough.

When I’m dressed and ready and back in our room, Snow is still standing near his bed, shirt on but not buttoned, tie hanging round his neck. His hair actually looks worse than it did when he woke up, like he’s been tearing his hands through the curls.

He freezes and looks up at me.

“What’s wrong, Snow? Cat got your tongue?”

He flinches. Cat got your tongue is a wicked spell, and I used it against him twice when we were third years.

“Baz,” he clears his throat. “I—”

“Am a disgrace to magic?”

He rolls his eyes. “I—”

“Spit it out, Snow. You’d think you were trying to cast a spell. Are you? Next time, use your wand, it helps.”

He ransacks his hair again with one hand. “Could you just—?”