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“Yes, me too,” I say. “All of us had the procedure.” I’d been eleven when Father flew a Neph doctor from India to our London home to give me a vasectomy. My body had burned through the pain meds faster than the doctor could administer them. I cringe as I recall it.
A
“I knew it would only upset you,” I say with regret.
“Of course it upsets me! Doesn’t it upset you?”
She looks right at me, full of passion about the things I don’t let myself ponder.
“There’s no use wasting time thinking about things that can’t be changed.”
She comes back over and sits next to me, pulling her knees up to her chin and sliding her feet under the blanket. I want to comfort her with my arms, because I don’t have the words to make any of this right. I move closer, talking low, and take her hand into mine.
She watches our hands together—the way I trace her small fingers and thumb. I want her to look up at me.
Look at me, lovely A
We’re so close. I want a redo on our kiss. I want to do it properly this time, and stay in control of the beast. I want to own that gorgeous mouth for as long as she’ll let me. I want to roll around the bed with her, completely clothed, testing the limits of my control for this girl until she’s ready for more.
Her heartbeat is visible in the soft skin at her neck—fast and hard. I’m making her nervous. With disappointment, I raise her hand to my mouth and kiss the pad of her thumb. Then I let her go and stand. I’m shocked by how good I feel, even with the low rumble of constant pain plaguing me.
“Get some rest,” I say.
She scrambles under the covers and hides her face. I wish I could see her colors.
I climb into my own bed, though I’m not at all tired. My skin is prickling with energy and the low throb of pain pulses in my abdomen. Can I truly go a whole day without feeding the beast? Today, I feel as if I can fight it. I feel like I can take on the world. For the first time ever, I want to attempt not to work.
“Kaidan?” she whispers.
My pulse sprints. “Yes?”
“I’m not trying to judge. I’m just curious. Um . . . are you going out tonight?”
The concern and jealousy in her voice send a thrill to my core and I bite down and swallow. “I don’t think I will.”
She says nothing as my heart pounds, and I’d do anything to see her colors again. Is she happy? Is she proud of me?
I’m not ready to fall asleep. Tomorrow is a big day for A
I know she’s nervous, but I don’t know how to help her with that. What is special to A
“A
“Yes?”
“It won’t bother me if you need to, you know, properly pray, however you do it.”
“Oh.” She sounds surprised. “Okay, thanks.”
She pulls her arms out of the blankets and clasps her hands under her chin.
She’s really going to do it, right now. It’s so bizarre. Her eyes close and her face calms in meditative peace. My eyes dart about the room, expecting a beam of light or something, but the room remains calm and comfortable.
A
Her eyes open and I realize I’m staring like a total creeper. What the hell have I become? I want to laugh at the complete lunacy of my turnabout. It’s like I’m a bloody woman or something. Next thing you know I’ll be petting puppies and cooing at babies.
Ugh, no. Babies is where I draw the line.
“Good night,” A
CHAPTER NINE
First Time for Everything
“Don’t wa
—“Demons” by Imagine Dragons
I wake with a low, underlying ache in my gut.
I am not right in many ways at this moment. I slept so hard last night and this morning that I didn’t even hear when A
The feelings I developed for A
I feel as if this trip has been a joy ride at our own private theme park, teetering dangerously above reality. I’m still on that ride, but the end is in sight. This ca
Just another day or so of this ride, and then it’s back to reality.
Speaking of reality, my body is right furious with me. The ache thuds as I imagine A
I stand and yank on a pair of cargo shorts and a T-shirt, modifying myself in a way that makes my issue less noticeable. I lean my fists against the side table and squeeze my eyes shut, breathing through the pain like a fucking woman in labor. Then I order room service, because A
I haven’t let myself think much on their meeting. Now, as I lie back on the bed, I feel dazed at the thought of what might become of the little half angel after this day. When I met A
Nevertheless, there’s no hiding for A
A
As I lie there watching A