Live to See Tomorrow

“Not according to your doctrines of Shambhala. Your committee thinks we’re all on our way to destruction.”

“But tomorrow will still exist, and it will be a brighter day.” Cameron closed the door of the summerhouse behind them. “And I’ll never stop trying, Catherine.”

The darkness was overwhelmingly intimate, with only the faint moonlight pouring through the windows. She could see his shadow only a few feet away, the white of his shirt, the muscular tightness of his body.

It was happening again. The anger didn’t matter. Her body was responding. She had to get out of here.

“Say what you have to say,” she said jerkily. “I’ll listen, then I’m gone.”

“I’ve already said what was important. But I said it in the middle of our hunt for Kadmus, and I have to make sure that you know that nothing has changed.” He reached out and turned on a lamp near the armchair he was standing beside. The soft glow illuminated him, his eyes, his mouth, the broad shoulders taut beneath that white shirt.

She drew a shaky breath. Don’t let him see how the sight of him affected her. Shit, he probably knew.

“I know how you affect me.” His gaze ran over her. “I like that sleep shirt. It clings in all the right places. I’d like it more if it were lying on the floor at your feet.”

She moistened her lips. “Yes, I want to screw you. That doesn’t mean I will. I have a life. I can’t let you do this to me.”

“Do what? Pleasure?”

“It’s more than that. I have a tendency to … lose myself. That mustn’t happen.”

He didn’t speak for a moment. “I told you, that’s not why I brought you down here. Sex with you is magnificent, but I can do without it…” He grimaced. “If I have to. But I have to talk to you. I can’t let you go without doing that.” He dropped down in the easy chair. “So stop standing there like an animal at bay and sit down and let me do it.”

She gazed at him warily, then went to the couch and sat down. “I’m listening.”

“I don’t want you to go to Louisville. I want you to go with me.”

She gazed at him incredulously. “Back to Tibet?”

“Perhaps. I may not go back there for a while. Kadmus is gone, and that eliminates a lot of problems in the area. I think I’ll be sent to Copenhagen to take care of a few troubles that have popped up there.” He met her eyes, and the intensity enveloped her, held her. “I don’t want to do without you. I want you with me.”

“You want me to trail behind you like a camp follower does a soldier? No thank you, Cameron.”

“It wouldn’t be like that.” His hands clenched on the arms of the chair. “I just have to have you. I’ll give you anything you want. There’s nothing in the world you can’t have that money will buy. I know you’d be giving up a lot. I’d try to allow you freedom and independence. I’d make arrangements for you to have Luke with you.”

“How very kind of you.”

“I’m trying, dammit,” he said harshly. “Just state your terms.”

“I don’t have terms. You’ve been spending too much time with prostitutes.” She could feel the flush heat her cheeks as shock turned to anger. “And how long would you want me with you, Cameron? A week, a month, a year?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “Do you want me to promise you forever? I can’t do that. This is too new for me. All I can say is that I can’t imagine not wanting you.”

“But if it didn’t last long, that would be okay, wouldn’t it? Because you’re securing my future with all those billions of shekels your committee rains down on you.” She added fiercely, “You’re offering me a lousy deal. And you’re insulting me. I’m more than just a good lay. Go to hell, Cameron.”

He was silent. “I thought that would be your response. I had to make the attempt before I tried anything else. It’s not an insult, Catherine. It’s the best I can do under the circumstances. I can’t follow you to Louisville right now. I don’t have that choice.”

“Who asked you to do that?”

“No one,” he said wearily. “It was just a thought. You’d probably call the local police on me for harassing you.”

He sounded tired, rueful, sad, and unlike the Cameron she knew. She found her anger fading away. “I might. But I can’t see you in Louisville. I can’t see you anywhere that I belong. You have your own damn life, ru

“Have you finished?” Cameron asked quietly.

She nodded. “May I go now?”

His smile was twisted. “Yes, I promised you, didn’t I?”

Again that faintest hint of sadness … and loneliness.

Hu Chang had said he was lonely.

Well, she wasn’t about to follow him and become his mistress to keep him from being lonely. He was an expert at taking care of himself.

But anyone would say that so was she and she had been lonely most of her life.

“What are you waiting for?” he asked. “I won’t try to stop you.”

“I know, you gave your word.”

And he valued his promises. It’s the only thing that’s really mine to give, he had told her. Yet he had untold wealth at his disposal and the power the committee gave him was mind-boggling. She didn’t really know how he thought or how he felt about anything but his dedication to the Shambhala cause and his passion for her. Both of those emotions were clear. His history had formed such a complex mixture of qualities and experiences that it might take years to say she truly knew him.

She did not have years to pierce that wall. She had a son, she had a life. She was working on surviving her own past and making a decent future.

And she still had that son because Cameron had stepped in and taken a bullet for him.

She had been passionately grateful to him for saving Luke. Somehow that gratitude had become lost in her other emotions toward Cameron. How could that have happened?

Because it had made her feel vulnerable, and she couldn’t afford to feel any more vulnerable toward him. Yet it was all part of the total of what she felt for Cameron. What she had to come to terms with before she left him.

“Get out of here,” Cameron said roughly. “I’m trying to hold on, but it’s not going to last long.”

She could see that. And she knew that when that dam broke, it would overwhelm both of them as it had before. She would feel helpless and lost and want only—

What was she thinking? She sounded like a victim, his victim, and that would never be true. She had choice and power, and she would learn control.

“I’m going.” She got to her feet. “But not just yet.” She came toward him and stopped before his chair. “Because I have to come to terms with you, Cameron. All through our time together, you’ve been intimidating me.”

“The hell I have. You’re tough, Catherine.”

“Oh, I fought it. Maybe it was those damn mind tricks that threw me off.” She looked him in the eye. “Or maybe it was that I’d never wanted anyone sexually the way I did you. It made me feel helpless, and I hated it. Anyway it all added up to intimidation.”

His eyes narrowed. “Is this leading somewhere?”

“Yes, out of confusion and into the bright light.” She took his face into her hands and stared into his eyes. “First, I just realized I don’t have to be intimidated by you. I’m no victim.”

“You’re damn right you’re not.”

“Second, I want to tell you I’m grateful to you for saving Luke. I’ll never forget it.”

“I don’t want your gratitude. I made you a promise.”

“Whether you want it or not, I’m grateful. Accept it. Third, I will not go with you and be your mistress. Accept it.” She bent forward and kissed him, hard, open, passionate. “Also accept that anything I do isn’t because I’m grateful; it’s because I want to do it. Not forever, not permanent, just for tonight. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t have you. I’m taking what I want if you want to give it.” She stepped back, pulled her sleep shirt over head, and dropped it on the floor. “Understood?”