Ever Enough

“What? Em, no. He doesn’t get to come in here demanding that you sign papers. He’s treating you like a court case. You just lost your baby!” I felt myself getting more and more frustrated at her lack of emotion.

“Isn’t that what this is? I lost the baby, and he’s doing what he feels is necessary.” She said.

“Jesus Emilyn, snap out of it! You’re acting like you don’t even care.”

“Fi

I turned to look at her and she shook her head, silently telling me to drop it. Christ, I needed to hit something.

“Look, I don’t have all day, so if you could sign where I put the tabs I can leave.” West pulled out a small folder of papers from a briefcase I hadn’t noticed he had been carrying.

Ah, that’s just what I was looking for. I cocked my fist and brought it forward with the full force of my body. My knuckles normally would be aching after hitting something that hard but the anger-fueled adrenaline coursing through me was had made me numb. I was sure I’d feel it later though. West on the other hand, he’d be feeling my fist for at least a week. He fell backwards and slammed into the wall. I darted forward and was about to straddle him and continue my assault when a strong arm locked around my shoulders and pulled me back. Ky was using everything he had to hold me in place. I was vaguely aware of the commotion going on behind me, but I was focused on the now cowering prick in front of me.

“Fi

“You son of a bitch. I’m going to sue your sorry ass for this!” West struggled to get to his feet. He spat blood on the ground and wiped his face with the back of his hand.

“I suggest you leave before you get it even worse than you’ve already had it dickhead.” I had half a mind to choke him. “Send the fucking papers to her lawyer. Now get… the fuck… OUT.”

“This isn’t the last you’ll hear from me. I hope you have damn good representation.” West glared at me and turned to walk out the door.

Before he was fully out in the hall he called over his shoulder, “Julia will be glad that this whole mess is over and done with. I’ll be sure to tell her you said hi Emilyn.” With that he walked away.

Kyler had to catch Harper around the waist because she was on her way out the door, likely to kill the bastard. I watched Em as those hateful words were said. She flinched, but quickly regained her composure.

“I want you all to leave.” Em spoke quietly.

Harper sighed and walked to the bed. She leaned down to hug her and said something in her ear. Em nodded. Ky took a hold of Harper’s hand and led her out of the room.

“You too Fi

“Talk to me Tiny Girl. What is going on in your head right now?”

For a second she looked as though she was about to say something to me but, as quickly as the look appeared, it was gone.

She shook her head, “I’m just tired right now. This was all too much.”

And she did look tired. I wanted nothing more than to take her home and tuck her up in bed—in our bed—and hold her tight to me.

I walked over and sat down next to her. I debated whether or not to take her hand, but thought better of it. I would just be happy with her allowing me to sit next to her, since I hadn’t even been allowed in the room for two days.

“Do you want to talk about what just happened?”

“I don’t think there is anything to talk about.”

“Em, you have to feel something about what West just said to you. You’re acting as if…” She interrupted me.

“I’m acting as if what?”

“As if you don’t care. Like none of this matters. I know you have to be feeling something about this Tiny Girl. Nobody just loses their baby and then doesn’t feel anything. Please, just talk to me.”

Fuck it.

I grabbed her hand and held it tight. I had no idea what to do about this situation, other than to plead with her. Nobody could just shut off their feelings.

“I do care Fi

She was ripping me in two, and I sat there taking it all because I knew I deserved it. She was finally letting me have it all.

“I blame you Fi

And there it was. She had gutted me. The sad thing was that it was the truth. Everything she’d just said was exactly what I had felt since I set eyes on her at the reunion. Everything that had happened with Val and West was just the icing on the shitty cake called her life.

“I’ll never be able to tell you just how sorry I am because sorry will never be enough. I know it may not seem like it right now, but we will get through this together. I told you before that I’ll hold you together for as long as it takes. Just stay with me. Let me be with you Tiny Girl. I love you.”

She wiped a stray tear from her cheek.

“I can’t Fi

As much as I wanted to sit here and push her, I knew without a shadow of a doubt she was done. It didn’t mean that I was giving up on her—on us—but it meant that I needed to give her time. She was retreating into herself to protect her heart. This façade she was showing was one she needed for healing. And I loved her that much that I’d let her have that.

“Okay. Well could you do me a favor?” My emotions were bubbling to the surface. “Call me when you are being released. I’ll come and pick you up.”

“Harper’s coming to get me. I think I’m going to stay at her place for a while.”

“Em you don’t have to do that. I’ll stay out of your way. I promise you won’t even see me.”

“I think it’s for the best Fi

The conversation was done. She was saying she couldn’t live with me and she needed space. Living in that house by myself was going to be unbearable. But I wouldn’t give up on her. She was my life and I wanted to be with her forever. We would get through this, even if I had to help from a distance.

I lay in my bed at Harper’s house trying to think of something to do other than laying here. It’d been eight weeks since my son died. I felt much of the same hollowness in my heart that I’d felt throughout my life. In a sense, it was like saying hello again to an old friend. It wasn’t that I took comfort in feeling low, but that I knew how to cope with it. I’d lived with sorrow for so long that I almost didn’t know what normal felt like. I’d had brief periods of happiness while I was pregnant and I was living with Fi

While I lay thinking, Harper came in to my room and sat on the end of the bed.

“So what are the plans for the day? Toilet papering the old hag down the street’s house? We could graffiti one of the old train cars? Or maybe just the usual hate and discontent?”