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Briefly, the void inside her was filled with something close to peace. She remembered standing in a similar spot with Adam, holding hands, their tiny daughter in a sling against her chest. She recalled the sense of belonging she had felt; the contentment in Adam’s face. Even though he wasn’t here, this place linked them. So should she indulge her occasional crazy notions about staying here and trying to carve out a life for herself once the cottage was renovated? Of course not, she told herself hastily. She was a city girl. But she was all too aware that she had never known London as a single mother, and she wasn’t daft enough to think it would be the same for her now.
So what choices did she have? She sighed. Nothing much was clear to her at the moment. Nothing except Millie’s mittened hands clutching her mother’s ponytail. When she looked at her daughter she felt a resolve of purpose beyond herself, and at present that was enough to keep her going when everything else seemed so uncertain.
She let her thoughts drift away, coming back to her surroundings. The chilly air filled her nostrils, fresh and slightly sweet. As she breathed in, a gust of cold wind nipped at her face, setting her teeth on edge.
‘It is beautiful, in a rugged, remote sort of way,’ A
Grace felt stung by the remark. ‘I’m not hiding, A
A
No one spoke as they followed the rough stone path, the fresh, clean air rolling over the hills and bursting into their faces. The wind was a puppeteer, bending the trees to its will and making the dead leaves and twigs dance and scuttle along the ground away from them. Grace tried to concentrate on pushing Millie along the rocky path, but her mind insisted on drifting back to what A
She attempted to distract herself, watching a flock of fieldfares dart overhead, and Millie shrieked with delight as they spooked a grouse into noisy flight. But for the most part there was nothing except a glorious expanse of nature at its barest, and for Grace the solitude and silence were settling. Out here she didn’t feel so lost, or overwhelmed, or alone.
They reached a patch of open ground with a cluster of large flat boulders, which overlooked the train line that followed the curves of the valley. As they slowed, A
James shook his head. ‘Love makes people do the strangest things,’ he said, gazing into the distance.
Grace couldn’t bear this conversation. ‘Can we keep going?’ she asked them, hurriedly getting up.
The other two got to their feet and followed her. Grace tried to imagine Ben telling A
All at once, she couldn’t bear her constant reminiscing. She stopped and swung round, startling James and A
She glared at them, hands on hips, demanding that one of them answer her.
‘He might still come back,’ A
‘Why the hell would you say that?’ Grace shouted. She caught Millie’s eye, and as she registered Millie’s alarm she made an effort to calm herself down. ‘Don’t you see, I can’t think like that any more. Because how long am I meant to wait? There are no rules as far as I can see. What’s the proper time for this? Two years? Five? Ten? I could spend the rest of my life waiting – what kind of miserable existence is that?’
There was silence, then James said, ‘Grace, I’m not sure that staying here is good for you if it’s making you feel like this.’
Grace threw her hands in the air. ‘I KNOW that, James! But what choice do I have? I have no major assets except a damned cottage I can’t sell, and I have to sort everything out properly for Millie’s sake. Adam did care about his daughter, whatever anyone says, and I want her at least to have some things of her father’s to remember him by. And that’s as far as I can think about it without going crazy.’
A
Grace saw that A
Millie sat on her mother’s lap, as Grace turned the pages of a book and pointed to the pictures. Her mood was low, and she wondered if it would have been better had they gone to town with James and A
As she closed the book, there was an unexpected knock on the door. She jumped, startling Millie. ‘Who’s that?’ Grace asked as Millie stared impassively at her. She set the little girl on the floor with the book and went to find out.
Opening the door, she was greeted by a Christmas tree, standing alone in front of her, its branches flailing in the wind. ‘Did you knock?’ she asked the tree, then couldn’t help chuckling to herself.
‘Yes, we did.’ Ben peeped around from behind it. ‘I thought you might like this. If you don’t want it I’ll put it up instead, but I think it would go better in here. And I heard that you’d knocked down a wall to make room for it.’
Grace beamed at him. ‘That’s a great idea. Thank you!’
She stood back as Ben lifted the tree and swung it over the threshold, pushing it towards the front room. Millie looked up in awe, and Grace went to pick her up, while Ben asked, ‘Where do you want it?’