The Evolution of Mara Dyer

“Surprised,” I finally said. “Yes.”

“As if you didn’t know he was joining us on the island of misfit children?”

“What?” I tore my eyes from Noah and met Jamie’s. “I didn’t.”

“Right,” Jamie said. “They’re making me room with him, Mara. I hate you.”

“You think I did this?”

“Please.” Jamie shot me a withering look. “As if he could resist a damsel in distress.”

“I didn’t tell him to come,” I said, but I had never been happier to see him in my life. “And before you complain about your roommate, I was informed by Mr. Robins that I have to sleep in the same room as Phoebe.”

Jamie looked appropriately horrified.

“Yeah,” I said. I complained about it immediately, of course, but was told I’d have to take it up with Dr. Kells. And she wasn’t at the retreat today—she only came a few times a week, they told me, to supervise the residential staff. So until I saw her again, I was stuck.

Brooke clapped her hands. “All right, everyone back? Great! Well, it looks like we have another new member of the Horizons family, everybody! Let’s give a big welcome to Noah Shaw.”

“Hi, Noah,” everyone said in chorus.

“Noah’s here for the retreat this weekend, to see if it suits. Why don’t you tell everyone about yourself, Noah?”

“I was born in London,” he said with complete disinterest. “My parents moved here from England two years ago.”

My mouth parted.

“I don’t have a favorite color, though I strongly dislike yellow.”

Unbelievable.

“I play the guitar, love dogs, and hate Florida.”

And then Noah finally met my eyes. I was expecting a trademark half-smile, but when he looked at me his eyes were empty. My heart cracked.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Noah. Would you feel comfortable telling us why you’re here?”

He gri

Everyone shared their fake feelings for an hour, and then we broke for lunch. Noah caught up with me in the hallway. He looked down at me.

He looked broken.

“You’re a hard girl to get a hold of,” he said quietly.

I barked out a laugh, but Noah covered my mouth with a gentle hand.

My lids dropped at his touch. I could feel him. He was real.

All I wanted in the world was to hold him and be held. But when I lifted my hands to his waist he said, “Don’t.”

I blinked, and then I thought I might cry, and Noah must have seen it because he rushed to speak. “They don’t know we’re together. If they find out, they’ll take care to separate us and I won’t be able to bear that.”

I nodded beneath his hand and he lifted it, looking over his shoulder. The hallway was clear, but who knew for how long?

“How did you get in?” I asked.

The ghost of a smile touched his mouth. “It’s a long story that involves copious quantities of alcohol and Lolita.”

My brows knitted in confusion. “The book?”

“The whale.”

He made me smile, despite everything. “Do I even want to know?”

“Probably not,” he said tonelessly. He avoided my eyes.

Something was wrong. I wanted to ask what it was, but I was nervous so I asked where his necklace was instead.

Noah sighed. “I had to take it off during that delightful near-strip search they offer here. Hermencia quite enjoyed it, I think. I’ll be sending her a bill.”

I smiled again, but Noah didn’t. I didn’t know what had changed or why, but I needed to. Even if I might not like the answer. “What happened?” I asked him.

He lifted my hand, my wrist, and held it out in answer.

“They think I tried to kill myself,” I said.

Noah closed his eyes. For the first time ever, he looked like he was in pain.

“Do you?” I asked him.

The muscles in his throat worked. “No,” he said. “I saw—I saw everything. I saw Jude.”

When he opened his eyes, his expression was vacant again. A smooth, unreadable mask. I was reminded of a different conversation we shared under very different circumstances:

“And what if something happens and you’re not there?” I had asked him, miserable and guilty and horrified after we returned from the zoo.

“I’ll be there,” Noah had said, his voice clear and sure.

“But what if you’re not?”

“Then it would be my fault.”

Was that what this was? I looked up at him now and shook my head. “It’s not your fault.”

“Actually,” he said with unparalleled bitterness, “it is.”

But before Noah could say anything else, a counselor interrupted us, and we were ushered away.

57

WE HAD NO TIME ALONE THE rest of the day. Noah was shuttled from pointless thing to pointless thing with Adam, Stella, Megan and the other temporaries as I was left to endure more talk therapy and generally languish in solitude. I met a few permanents, who didn’t seem obviously disturbed. Not as bad as Phoebe, anyway, by a long shot.

When we finally sat down for di

I was desperate to talk to him. I had so much I wanted to say.

He was so close, but too far away to touch. My fingertips ached with the need to feel him, solid and warm and real under my hands.

I said his name, but Noah gave a single shake of his head. I bit my lip. I could scream from frustration and I wanted to. I felt like I was drifting and needed him to tether me to the earth.

But then he scribbled something on a napkin with a crayon—he must have stolen it from the art studio they had here—and handed it to me.

I glanced up, then around, then down at the message as discreetly as I could.

Music studio. 1 a.m.

“But—” I whispered.

Trust me, Noah mouthed.

I did.

I wished the sunlight away as I finished di

I couldn’t wait for night to fall and I gazed out the thick, distorted windows at every opportunity. The darkness nipped at the heels of the sunset, waiting to swallow it.

The sounds of silverware clinking against ceramic dishes died away as the sun sank below the horizon. Counselor Wayne came around with everyone’s evening meds in tiny little paper cups, just like in Miami.

Stella swallowed hers in front of me, her white T-shirt riding up slightly with the movement. I glanced up and saw Jamie, who downed the contents of his makeshift shot glass too. His Adam’s apple bobbed, and Wayne moved on.

Then it was my turn. There were two additional pills inside my cup today. Oval and blue.

“You know the drill, Mara,” Wayne said.

I did. But I couldn’t have been more unenthused about taking them. What if they made me tired? My eyes flicked up, trying to find Noah in the small sea of faces in the dining room. He wasn’t there.

“Mara,” Wayne said, warmly but with a touch of impatience.

Damn it. I took the cup in my hands and swallowed the pills, chasing them with a gulp of water.

“Open,” he said.

I opened my mouth and showed him my tongue.

Wayne smiled and moved on to the next person. I grudgingly stood and brought my dishes over to the counter, then followed the line of girls walking down the hallway to their respective rooms. I grabbed my little tote with my shampoo and soap in it, helpfully packed by my mother as if she’d sent me off to summer camp, and headed to the girls’ bathroom for a shower. There were stalls, thankfully, but we had to avail ourselves of the spa-like bathroom in groups or pairs. My other half was Phoebe, of course. At that point, I was too used to my life sucking to care.