Second Life

But maybe he’s got a taste for it. For scaring me, for proving just how deeply he’s infiltrated my life. I realize that I’m going to have to see him again, somehow confront him. I can’t let him get away with it.

I’m at the top of the stairs when Hugh calls me back. ‘Julia! What the hell is going on?’

I turn to face him. ‘What’s he told you?’

‘Some argument about his phone. The internet? He said you were being totally unreasonable.’

I could tell Hugh, I think. I could tell him everything. Lukas would have no power over me then.

But it would end our marriage. And Co

I have to protect him. I promised Kate I’d put him first, always. I told her that he was the world to me, when we first had him, and then again and again when she was trying to take him back. To let him down now would be the final betrayal, the ultimate failure.

‘He’s grounded.’ It’s a punishment – for leaving me in the restaurant, for using Facebook to tell the whole world about my life – but then I realize it would also be a protection. If he can’t go out, Lukas can’t get to him.

‘I mean it.’

Hugh stands still. He shrugs, as if to say it’s up to me, but then says, ‘Is it really that important?’ It enrages me even further. He thinks he’s protecting Co

Co

‘Co

‘What the fuck does it look like?’

‘Don’t you use language like that with me!’ I’m aware of Hugh arriving at my side, though he hangs back slightly; this is my argument, and he won’t take sides until he’s sure which one he should be on. The room is silent for a moment, thick with venom and animosity.

Co

‘What did you just say?’ I’m shouting, now. I can feel my heart in my chest, too fast. Preparation for the fight.

‘Julia—’ begins Hugh at the doorway, but I silence him.

‘Co

He ignores me. I go over, snatch the bag off the bed and toss it to the floor behind me. He raises his hand, as if he’s about to strike me, and I look in his eyes and see that he’d like to. I grab his wrist. For a moment I think about Lukas grabbing mine, and I’d like to twist my son’s in the same way, hurt him in the same way. Instantly, I’m ashamed. Distantly, I get the impression I’d never think this with a son of my own, one I’d given birth to; the thought of causing him pain wouldn’t cross my mind, not even fleetingly. Yet I’ll never know, and in any case I don’t get the chance. He wrenches his arm out of my grip; I’m surprised at his strength.

‘You stupid little boy!’ I can’t help it. I can feel Hugh bristle behind me; he takes a step forward, is about to speak. I get in ahead of him. ‘Where d’you think you’re going to go? Ru

He looks wounded.

‘You think you’d last more than five minutes?’

‘I’m going to see Evie!’ he yells, his face inches from mine. His spittle falls on my lips.

‘Evie?’ I start to laugh. I’m regretting it already, but somehow powerless to stop speaking. ‘Your girlfriend?’

‘Yes.’

‘Your girlfriend who you only talk to online?’

His face falls. I can see I’m right.

His voice cracks. ‘So?’ I experience a moment of triumph then feel utterly wretched.

‘Are you even sure she’s who she says she is?’

I mean it to be a genuine question, yet it comes out as a sneering accusation.

‘Julia …’ Hugh’s taken another step forward, is by my side now. I can feel his heat, the faint aroma of his body after a day in the office. ‘Enough,’ he says. He puts his hand on my arm and I shrug it off.

There’s a long silence. Co

‘That’s enough of your language,’ says Hugh. He’s picked his team. ‘Both of you, just calm down—’

I ignore him. ‘You’ve spoken to her? Have you? Or are you just Facebook friends?’

My tone is supremely condescending, as if I find him pathetic. I don’t. It’s me I’m really talking to. I did exactly that, fell for someone on the internet. It’s myself I’m furious with, not him.

I try to calm down, but I can’t. My anger is unstoppable.

‘Of course I’ve spoken to her. She’s my girlfriend.’ He stares right at me. ‘Whether you like it or not, Mum.’ He pauses, and I know what he’s going to say next. ‘She loves me.’

‘Love?’ I want to laugh out loud, yet manage to stop myself. ‘As if you –’

‘Julia!’ says Hugh. His voice is loud. It’s an attempt to shock me into silence, but I won’t be silenced.

‘– as if you have any idea about love. You’re fourteen years old, Co

He doesn’t answer.

‘How old, Co

‘What does it matter?’

Hugh speaks again. ‘Co

He turns to his father. Go on, I think. I dare you. Say ‘Fuck you’ to him.

He won’t, of course. ‘Eighteen,’ he says. He’s lying, I know it. I snort. It’s through nerves, through fear, but I can’t help it.

‘Eighteen?’ I say. ‘No, Co

‘You can’t stop me.’

He’s right. If he were determined enough, then there’d be nothing I could do.

‘Where does she live?’

He says nothing.

‘Co

He remains silent. I can see that he won’t tell me. ‘I’m guessing from the bag that it’s not up the road,’ I say. ‘So how’re you going to get there? Eh?’

Co

‘I want to go and see her!’ His voice rises, it takes on a pleading edge, and I’m taken back to when he was a child, to when he wanted an ice cream or another bag of sweets, to stay up late to watch some show on TV. ‘Everything else this year’s been shit!’ he says. ‘Except for her! And you know why, Mum!’ It’s an accusation, hurled; it hurts because it’s true, and he knows it. It crosses my mind he did see the kiss I shared with Paddy after all; he’s been storing it up, it’s now when he’ll tell his father. I shake my head. I want him to cry, to turn back into the child I know how to comfort, but he remains resolute. He’s determined.

‘I hate you. I wish you’d never taken me. I wish you’d left me with my real mother!’

It breaks. Whatever I’d been holding in check, it finally breaks. I slap him, hard, across the face.

‘You ungrateful little shit.’ I hate myself as soon as it’s out of my mouth, but it’s too late. His eyes are smarting, but he’s smiling. He knows he’s won. I’ve lost my temper. He’s become the adult and I’m the child.

I hold out my hand. ‘Give me your phone.’

‘No.’

‘Co