Second Life

I imagine the conversation. A

That must be it. He won’t attack her.

But then my own memory surfaces again. The carpet beneath me in the hotel room, the burns on my wrists. I know what he’s capable of. I have to warn her. She has to know before they’re even married that he’s prepared to do something like that.

I pick up my phone once more. This time I leave a message. ‘Call me.’ I try to control my voice, make it sound like I’m not nervous, not scared. ‘It’s urgent,’ I add. ‘There’s something I need to talk to you about.’ I lower my voice, even though Hugh is still downstairs and can’t possibly hear me. ‘It’s about that guy I was seeing. It’s about Lukas.’ I wince when I say his name. ‘Please call me.’

I put the phone back down. I get my computer out of my bag and with shaking hands navigate to the trashcan. The file I deleted the other day is still there, the messages I’d saved. I open a few, as if to check I’m right. He said he lived in Cambridge. No mention of a girlfriend, much less a fiancée.

I decide I should print one out, just in case I need it to persuade A

Even so, all it proves is that I’ve been messaging someone called Lukas, and she knows that in any case. I wish I had a photo, one of the two of us, but I don’t. I’ve deleted any I took, too scared that Hugh might find them.

I fold the page anyway and put it in my bag, then check my phone. She hasn’t called, and I know what I have to do. I go back downstairs. Hugh’s in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher.

‘I’m just going out.’

‘Where on earth to?’

I try to sound calm, breezy, even though I feel the opposite. ‘I thought I’d go and meet A

‘You’re sure?’

‘Yes. I feel awful, about over-reacting. I want to apologize. Anyway, it might be fun. And A

He looks puzzled, bemused. For an awful moment I worry he’ll suggest coming with me, but then I remember Co

‘Of course.’ He picks up another plate.

‘He has school tomorrow.’

‘I know. You go. Enjoy yourself. Will you take the car?’

I know why he’s asking. He wants to make sure I won’t slip up and have a drink. He needn’t worry; I won’t go to Ro

‘I will,’ I say. ‘And leave this, will you? I’ll tidy the rest of the di

He nods. ‘Okay.’

I head straight to the hotel. When I arrive I park the car and call A

The lobby is large, impressive, but I barely notice it. I go into the bar and find a deep leather sofa, near the door. Through the glass partition I can see the main entrance. I won’t miss them.

A waiter comes over to ask if I’d like a drink. ‘Mineral water,’ I say, and he nods, as if that’s what he’d been expecting all along. He goes back to the bar and delivers my order with a whisper, a glance over his shoulder towards where I sit.

My drink arrives with a bowl of pretzels. The waiter hesitates for a moment, blocking my view of the entrance, then bends towards me. ‘Waiting for someone?’ he says as he wipes the table before setting my drink down and tidying the snacks and napkins. He’s trying to sound casual, but his question has an edge of disapproval. ‘Yes,’ I say. My voice cracks with nerves. ‘Yes, I am,’ I say more forcefully.

‘Very good.’ I don’t think he believes me. ‘A guest?’

‘Yes. She’s staying here.’ He doesn’t move on. ‘She’s just got engaged. In fact, could I get a bottle of champagne? A surprise, for when she arrives? Two glasses?’

He nods, then stands up. ‘Very good.’ He turns to leave. When I look back into the lobby I see A

‘Shit.’ The lift doors are about to close, but then A

I head out of the bar and into the lobby. I run over to the lift, but it’s already ascending. I watch, cursing silently, as it stops on the third, fifth and sixth floors; I have no way of knowing which is theirs, much less what room they’re in. When it begins to come back down again I turn and head back to my seat, scrabbling for my phone, imagining their conversation.

‘I’m sure I saw Julia in the lobby,’ she’ll have said. ‘I wonder what she’s doing here?’

‘No,’ he’ll say. ‘It wasn’t her.’

They’ll get to the room. ‘Come here …’ he’ll say, and he’ll kiss her, undress her, the way he had with me. She’ll feel herself give in to him. Their hands, their mouths, will find each other. His prick will already be stiffening when she begins to undo his trousers.

I push the thought away. I have to stay focussed. My phone is already buzzing when I find it, and I answer it quickly. It’s A

‘Is that you? Downstairs?’

She sounds happy, relaxed, if surprised. I can hear Lukas in the background. It sounds like he’s pouring drinks.

‘Yes.’

‘I thought I saw you when I came in. Is everything all right?’

‘Yes.’ I realize there’s no point in pretending. ‘Actually, no. Listen, I have to see you. I’ve been trying to ring you. I left a message. I’ll explain. Can you come down?’

She sounds hesitant. Intrigued.

‘Why don’t you come up here?’

‘No. No, you come down. Please?’

I think of the printout I’ve brought with me. I don’t want to show it to her, but I might have to. Will she believe me? Surely she’ll have to, but still I’d rather not have to do that to her.

‘Is Hugh with you?’ she says.

‘He’s at home. Please come down. Please let me explain.’

I hear her cover the mouthpiece of her phone, confer with Lukas. It’s obvious what he’ll say. ‘A

After a few moments she answers. ‘We’ll be down in a couple of minutes.’

‘No!’ I try to control my voice, but still I must sound desperate, panicked. ‘No. It’s better … could you come alone? Please?’

She hesitates. ‘Give me five minutes.’

Even though it’s late, she’s changed into a pair of trousers, a sweater, trainers. The bar is less busy now; the few people there are finishing their nightcaps before heading upstairs. The bottle of champagne on the table in front of me looks out of place. ‘Julia!’ she says, once we’ve kissed. ‘Is everything all right? You sound so worried!’ She lowers her voice. ‘Is everything okay with Hugh?’

‘Yes.’ I look over her shoulder; there’s no one there, just the waiter, collecting glasses, checking the new arrival. We sit.