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Jane Grey's brief glory was over, Mary on the throne, Northumberland and Guildford beheaded and Robert in the Tower under sentence of death. Such a tragic sequence of events should have made Robert cautious but I saw little of caution in my bold admirer.
One of his sisters, Lady Mary Sidney, was now serving in my bedchamber. Robert had asked me to give her the post and of course I had agreed; and no sooner did I meet Mary than I liked her. They had great charm, those Dudleys. From Mary I learned a great deal about Robert. He was the most outstanding of all her brothers—alas all dead now except Ambrose. She did not like to talk of Guildford who had died so tragically. “Our father was too ambitious,” she said sadly, “and ambition can lead men into deadly traps.”
I agreed with her and in any case I did not want to talk of Guildford. My interest was all for Robert.
“No one could compare with Robert,” she told me. “He excelled at all games; he could ride faster than any. I have never seen anyone manage a horse as he does.”
“Very becoming in the Queen's horsemaster,” I said.
She looked at me wistfully. “I believe Your Majesty has as great a regard for him as I have.”
“Lord Robert is a fine man,” I said, and closed the conversation. I did not want to betray my feelings too strongly. But need I have worried? Didn't everyone know how I felt about Robert?
The whole Court was saying that there would be no need to look very far for the Queen's husband if Lord Robert had not already a wife.
But while he had a wife, marriage was impossible and this all-absorbing game of courtship could go on.
There were times when I wanted to show him how much I understood his frustration. I took a great delight in pleasing him. I wanted him to outshine every other man at Court, which he did naturally, but I wanted him to be the richest and the most powerful… under me, of course. When the lovely old Dairy House at Kew was available, I bestowed it on him; I gave him monastery lands and a much coveted license to export wool. I also invested him with the Order of the Garter.
Cecil asked me if I was not showing too obvious favor to Lord Robert Dudley, and I told him sharply that I would bestow favors where I wished.
He lifted his shoulders in some exasperation and I believed he was assuring himself that once I had been persuaded to take the sensible course and marry, Robert Dudley would fade into the background. As if Robert would ever allow that—or that I would, for that matter.
I was in love, I suppose. I could not stop myself talking about him. I arranged jousts so that he could excel and I would tensely watch his performance, knowing that as many eyes were turned toward me as to the jousters.
I heard it said that the Tudors formed fierce attachments, and thus my father had been when he was enamored of my mother.
Cecil was growing more and more restive. He said there were dangerous rumors abroad concerning my relationship with Lord Robert.
“There will always be rumors about monarchs, Master Cecil,” I said.
“Yes, Madam,” was the reply, “but these would appear to have some foundation in truth.”
“What do you imply?” I demanded. “By Your Grace's conduct and that of Lord Robert it might seem that a stronger relationship exists between you than is fitting for you both.”
“People are jealous of him, Cecil. When a man is gifted and handsome beyond all others, that is often the case.”
“And when the Queen takes no pains to hide her feelings for him, Madam, what can one expect? I would implore Your Majesty to take care.”
“Have no fear, my friend, I shall take care.”
It was from Kat that I heard most of the new rumors. Perhaps others were afraid to tell me, and when Kat began to be worried I, too, felt twinges of uneasiness. Kat was a great lover and purveyor of gossip; yet even she realized that the rumors were going too far.
“My dear lady,” she whispered, “I am afraid. They are saying dreadful things of you and Lord Robert.”
“What?” I demanded.
She turned away and did not want to tell me but I pinched her arm until she squealed with pain. “Tell me,” I insisted.
“I dursn't,” she replied. “Idiot!” I said. “Do you think I can't guess? They are saying he is my lover, are they not?”
She nodded.
“They will always say such things.”
“It is the rumors, my lady, wicked rumors… lies. There was old A
“Well let us hear of this wisdom.”
“She has said that you and Lord Robert play legerdemain together.”
I burst out laughing. “And because an old tramp says these things, should I care?”
“You should care, my lady, for what old tramps say one day, merchants will say the next, and such tales spread like wildfire through the land. That is not all. Someone said that my Lord Robert gave you a very fine petticoat and she cried out in the company of several: ‘It is not a petticoat only that my Lord Robert gives the Queen. It is a child.' There were loud protests. ‘But the Queen has no child,' they said. And Mother Dowe answered: ‘If she has no child yet, Lord Robert has put one in the making.'”
I felt the blood rush to my face. Although I was ready to accept Robert's passionate devotion and did not care who knew it existed, the thought of childbearing was repulsive to me. The very idea sickened me and it angered me that this was being said about me.
Kat who perhaps knew me better than any understood this.
She said gently: “You remember, my love, what they said of you and Thomas Seymour.”
“Yes, wild stories of a midwife's being taken to a house in the dead of night… blindfold. What wicked lies people make up about me.”
“You are the Queen, my love. You should remember it. They are now talking of you and Lord Robert as they did of you and Thomas Seymour.”
“And he lost his head,” I mused. “What has happened to this woman Dowe?”
“She was taken into prison by the Sheriff of Donberry.”
“She shall be released,” I said. “I will show the people in what contempt I hold such stories by not treating them seriously.”
Kat nodded.
“And by acting in a way not to give rise to such,” she added. At which I gave her a push which sent her sprawling. She picked herself up, ruefully shrugging her shoulders.
“It is all such nonsense,” I said. “What opportunities would I have? I am watched night and day. Am I not surrounded by councilors … ladies of this and gentlemen of that? I have no chance of being other than I am— a chaste virgin. But, Kat Ashley, if ever I took it into my mind to change that state, I should be the one to decide, and no one in this realm would stop me.”
Kat sank to her knees sobbing.
“Oh, my dear Majesty,” she said, “take care, take care. Remember Thomas Seymour. I nearly died of fright then.”
“Because they took you to the Tower and you betrayed me.”
Her teeth were chattering. “Dearest, take care, take care. Men will be the death of you.”
“No, Kat, I will be the death of them, but I shall be in command. It is different now. Get up, you idiot, and stop sniveling. There is no need to cry for me. Everything is changed. I am the Queen now. It is for me to say what shall be.”
She got to her feet and fell into my arms still weeping. I laughed away her tears, but I did feel a twinge of uneasiness.
WE RODE OUT to the hunt, Robert beside me. I told him how I felt about the rumors.
He looked at me ardently and said: “It will not be much longer.”
“There is too much talk. Robert, we must be more discreet. You must not be with me so much.”
“Do you wish that?”
“No, certainly not.”
“Then surely the Queen's wishes should be obeyed.”
“We must be wise. The people will not like to think that you and I are lovers.”