Страница 108 из 134
“Why do you not try to sleep again?”
“Sleep! I have slept and slept. Do you know. Carolan, sometimes I feel the desire to go on sleeping, not to wake up. It is as though, when I lie in the deep sleep, hands are laid upon me, soothing me, bidding me to stay there in the peaceful darkness for ever… not come back, you see…” Carolan’s eyes glittered.
“You took too much of the drug; you must be careful.”
“I must be careful, Carolan. I will. When you are tired, it is so beautiful to sink into that deep sleep.”
“I should not take it so often, if I were you.”
“Oh, Carolan, do not stop me. Please do not stop me!”
“Who am I to stop you?” said Carolan. The glazed eyes were lifted to her face.
“You are so good, so kind, so sympathetic. I do not know what I should do without you. You are strong; I have always been attracted by strong people. He is strong; that was why I was attracted by him, I suppose. I wish I could have been more the sort of wife he wanted. When I was not so ill, I must have pleased him. We entertained a good deal. It was only after our marriage that he was on such good terms at Government House. He owes me a little, Carolan.”
“What would he say, were he to know about the child?”
“You would not tell a soul!”
“Of course I would not; you told me in strictest confidence.” She laughed.
“But he would be very angry, I do declare.”
Lucille was awake now, wide awake; the thought of discovery could make her throw off the last effects of the drug.
“I should be terrified if he knew. He … is ruthless, Carolan. I often wonder what happened to him before he came to Sydney.”
“Did he not tell you?”
“Never!”
“Not even when… when you were lovers?”
“Lovers! What do you mean, Carolan?” Carolan wanted to laugh out loud. They had never been lovers; they had never been anything but a suitable match for each other. That accounted for his happiness now, for his complete simplicity, for the youthfulness of his lovemaking. Carolan felt she ought to have been amused, discussing her lover with her lover’s wife, but she was only ashamed. She had to force herself to go on.
“I mean during the engagement.”
“It was very short; there was no reason why it should not be. I was so sure it would be a successful marriage then.”
“Oh, come,” said Carolan falsely, ‘is it not now?”
“That I do not know.”
“You are thinking of the child.”
“Oh, Carolan, please do not speak of that again.”
“I will not, if you wish it so, but if he were to know … He would consider it a great wrong.”
“Oh, I could not face it, Carolan, you know I am not strong.”
“He would have thought it your duty to face it.”
“I was very wicked, Carolan. That is what you are thinking.” Lucille caught at her hand.
“But now. Carolan, it does not matter. I am sure he is resigned … I am sure of it! He used to come in and look at me, and he would frown and ask me how I was, and I would know that he was thinking of children.
But lately he has ceased to think of them. He has changed. He is a different man. He looks … as though he finds life good, no longer frustrated. He is a man who is always reaching for a goal. Now … perhaps I talk rubbish … but it seems to me as though he is no longer teaching, that he is satisfied with life.”
“You think he his given up hope of children?”
“Carolan, I do. I have been careless of late. The bottle … it was by the side of my bed … on the table here, when he came in.”
“What did he say?”
“He said nothing.”
“He could not have seen it.”
“He is usually observant of such things.”
“But had he seen it, he would surely have said something?”
“He merely looked at it. He said: “How are you today, Lucille?” very gently, almost tenderly. And I felt then that he loved me more than he had ever done.”
“But should he not have been perturbed at the sight of the bottle?”
“Why should he? Perhaps he did not know what it was; perhaps he thought it was some tonic. I was trembling all over. I was terrified that he would take out the cork, that he would discover what it was. that he would forbid me to take any more.”
“You would have obeyed him?”
“I must sleep, Carolan. Doctor Martin says the best thing I can do is to sleep.”
“But he would not give you this! You have to go to your shady convict doctor to get this, to the one who helped out about the baby…”
“I used to think you understood, Carolan.” she said and her voice shook with fear.
“I do understand, but you wronged him deeply. To marry a man is to promise him children. You did not keep your promise. Come. Lie down. Do not distress yourself; you are not strong enough. You should never have married.”
“But. Carolan. I do not think he minds now. He does not worry about my health as he did, and I know he was once waiting lot me to get strong so that we could have children.”
“He does not think of children now, you tell me.”
“Sometimes it seems he does, sometimes not. He told me of that girl. Esther. Is it not good of him, to concern himself with her? He is arranging everything for her, and when he talked of her I saw a gleam of something in his eyes.
“She is going to have a child,” he said.
“I am arranging for her marriage to the man responsible.“I thought he was wonderful then, so good.He wants to make this place a beautiful country; that is what I think. He wants to set it in order; he is like that … he wants to set everything in order. He was envious of that man because he is going to be a father. He still feels it.” She shivered.
“If I could have given him children …”
“Listen,” said Carolan.
“You must not fret. It is bad for you. You must forget that you cheated him, that you killed his child.”
“Killed, Carolan!”
“There! I have hurt you. No, no! That is not murder; it is only when a child is born that killing it is murder. I will put this bottle away. You must not take so many doses. They will cease to be effective if you do, and it would be dangerous to increase the dose. I will cover you up. There is a chilliness in the air. Now try and sleep gently, naturally, and I will go down to the kitchen and order your bath.”
Carolan saw that fear drew down the corners of the woman’s mouth. Murder! She had not seen it like that before. Her hands trembled. They often trembled. It was too much drugging that did that to her. Fool that she was! She deserved her fate surely. She had had everything, and she was afraid to live the easy life that had come her way.
Carolan went downstairs. There was a light in her eyes that might have been the light of battle.
“Poll!” she said.
“Heat water for the mistress’s bath.”
Poll! Who had murdered her baby! A different sort of murder, it was true. For the rich one law; for the poor, another. Poll would never have been able to pay the convict doctor’s price; so she had murdered her baby after it was born … with those ski
What was the difference? Poor Poll. Poor Lucille! Not for her to waste her pity on them; she needed all her resources to fight for herself.
Esther was not there; she was with Marcus now. Picture Esther working at some garment in happy preparation; happiness made Esther beautiful, and Marcus was very susceptible to beauty. Margery, at the table, watched her slyly. She had a strange and grudging affection for the lecherous old woman.
Margery’s eyes went all over her. Fear shot through Carolan’s heart. Those sharp eyes would see whatever there was to be seen.
“Ha, ha! Not often we have the honour…”
“You put it very charmingly.”
“Don’t suppose you’d deign to drink a glass of grog with me now. Don’t suppose it for a moment!”
Carolan laughed, showing her sharp white teeth in a rush of friendliness. The woman was more than ready to meet her half way.