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“What’s he charged with?”
“Abuse of a corpse. He’s an undertaker’s assistant.”
“That last one might be the biggest reason he’s creepy. Just sayin’. ”
“Yeah. I should introduce him to Mr. Marley. He likes dead people.”
Just then Judge Epstein summoned Braden, so I decided that I would chat with the Crypt Keeper some more. He was sitting in the only shadow in the entire courtroom. It figured. I grabbed his file and headed in his direction.
He was a tall, thin, pale guy with beady eyes and a hawk-like nose. He looked like the love child of Monty Burns from The Simpsons, and Riff Raff from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. What a cutie.
“Mrs. Pierce.” He had the bubbly voice of a spokesmodel. Okay, not really, he sounded like he looked, which was like the Grim Reaper.
“Mr. Bates, we’re just waiting for your case to be called. The docket is very full this evening,” I explained in case that fact had eluded him.
“It’s the full moon,” he replied, eyes widening. A wolf cry echoed from somewhere in the distance, or it might have been Judge Epstein.
“You know, I think that’s true,” I agreed. “It seems like the full moon really does bring out all the crazies. Oh! Uh, no offense.”
“None taken.”
“So let’s go over the facts of the case once again. This was just a mistake …” I had never heard that one before.
“I had moved the object in question …”
“That would be Mr. Peterman?” I interrupted.
“It would be the mortal remains of Mr. Peterman. It’s kind of a fu
“Hey, with a dead body involved, how could it not be?”
“I’m assigned to the night shift at the funeral parlor.”
“And Mr. Peterman gave you a ride to work?” I joked. He didn’t look amused. I had a feeling that he blended in well with the other corpses. Who knew that funeral parlors even had a night shift?
“Philadelphia is a scary place at night.” He had to be kidding.
“Were you pla
“I was worried that someone might steal my car.” Someone might steal his car? Hold on a second. I looked down at my file.
“That would be the 1998 Geo Metro?”
“It’s a classic. I thought that maybe if the car looked occupied …”
“And you were going to put Mr. Peterman in your car so that he could act like some sort of scarecrow?” Oh I couldn’t wait to tell Judge Epstein this one.
“Exactly.” An evil grin spread across his crooked mouth and I cringed at the sight of his jagged yellow teeth. He looked like a shark, a really creepy shark. Jinkies Scooby! “What else would I have been doing with a dead body? I wasn’t pla
“Okay, then. And if for some wacky reason, that perfectly reasonable explanation doesn’t fly with Judge Epstein, do you want me to try to negotiate a guilty plea or request a trial date?”
“Eh. See what they offer.”
“Gotcha. Okay, see you soon.” I smiled and got up to leave. The moment I turned my back I rolled my eyes. I caught sight of Braden again. Judge Epstein had called his case with Ms. Crowley, who was dressed in every color imaginable. She looked like somebody threw up a rainbow. I think the look she was going for was Sideshow Fortuneteller chic. I decided to pause to watch. I had a feeling it could get interesting.
“What are the charges Mr. Bre
“Disorderly Conduct, Terroristic Threats and Littering.”
“I assume that the defendant has not waived the preliminary hearing, because that would make my life too easy.”
“That’s correct, Your Honor,” Braden replied with a smile. God, I loved him.
“Are the Commonwealth’s witnesses present, Mr. Bre
“They are, Your Honor,” he replied, and the light was extinguished.
“Let’s get this show on the road then. Nothing like the intricate legal challenge of a littering case.” The attorneys and Ms. Crowley resumed their seats at opposing counsel table.
“The Commonwealth calls Mr. Evan Drake.” A guy in tight pants and a T-shirt that said, “Hello, my name is Stud,” stalked up to the witness stand. As he passed by, I saw that the back said “Kiss me before my girlfriend gets back.” Ah, there was nothing like a manly man with a fabulous wit. He looked like a real catch. The kind you throw back. He was sworn in and stated his name and address for the record. He could even spell it. Who knew?
“Mr. Drake,” Mr. Bre
“Yes I do,” Ev spat back in a whiny voice. “That’s the woman who threatened me.” He seemed like the type who was threatened by women in general. I could tell already that Braden was right; I was going to love Ev. What intelligent woman with self-respect wouldn’t?
“Let the record indicate that the witness has identified the defendant, Delores Crowley. And do you recall seeing Ms. Crowley on the night of September 23rd of this year, sir?”
“Yeah. She was trying to get into my friggin’ apartment. Not that she would be the first chick to try that.” He snorted and flexed. Oh my, what a turn on. Someone stop me from tossing my panties at his feet.
“Would you please explain what you mean? About her trying to get in, that is.”
“I live in a two unit building. I’m on the first floor. Anyway, that wackadoo, ‘Steven,’ who lives above me, had that woman come to his apartment for some mumbo jumbo party.” He made sure to lisp as he pronounced his neighbor’s name. Wow, a homophobe too. He was getting sexier by the minute. Somehow, I thought that Ev had a smaller unit than Steven.
“What do you mean ‘mumbo jumbo party’ Mr. Drake?” Mr. Bre
“She came in and I heard furniture moving around upstairs and moaning coming from Steven’s place. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of moaning coming from my place on any given night, but this was different.” Ev sat back and gave us all what I’m sure he thought was a cocky grin, but in reality, it was more like a dicky smile. Judge Epstein was looking at Ev like one would look at a bag of burning dog pooh.
“What happened?” Mr. Bre
I noted that Mr. Bre
“What happened was that the lights went out and came back on a few times and the air conditioning went on the blink. Then the next thing I knew, they were pounding on my door.”
“What did they want?” Mr. Bre
“Steven said that the crazy chick was an exorcist and she was ‘cleansing’ the house.” He made little air quotes and rolled his eyes.
“What happened then?”
“She started mumbling and moaning. She sounded like she had been on a bender, you know? Then she pointed at me! That nasty bi … woman, said that I was full of bad energy. Can you believe that garbage?” He looked up at Judge Epstein imploringly. Her head was cocked to the side as she squinted at him. I think she was wondering if evil might be inhabiting Ev. My money was on him being possessed by the spirit of a 1970’s B-list porn star.