Filth

I sit down and enjoy my meal. Ray Le

– Shite. These silverys are about naught-point-one per cent of the population. They’ve got far too much to say for themself. They should call that paper the ‘Coon, Poof, Silly Wee Lassie, Schemie and Communist News’. I only read it for the fitba and Andrew Wilson. He’s the only one that talks any sense on that fuckin paper, even if he is a Hibby Leith bastard.

– It gets on my fuckin tits, Ray says, shaking his head. His eyes are staring, the cunt looks a bit manic.

– Listen Ray, I wanted to speak to you about something. I ken you’re no officially on this investigation, but I think we should pay our pal Ocky a wee visit the morn. It being Friday, it would be nice to fuck up the cunt’s weekend fine-style by getting him to keep his ears open on our behalf. You might get some info on the collies if we shake the fucker doon. Wi Christmas comin up they’ll aw want sorted oot wi gear.

– The spunk-bag’s been a bit remiss lately. Forgotten who his real mates are. His mates on this side of the divide, Ray smiles.

Say what you like aboot Ray Le

– The usual bollocks. I’m still stalking those cunts from that Sunrise Community. They’re supposed to be ca

Anything other than posh is a waste ay time for that cunt. But I can see his point. What’s the point of being on D.S. duty if ye ca

– Listen Robbo, he whispers, – I’m on these benzedrines. They’ll do the biz in the meantime. They keep you going when you’re a bit fucked. Want a couple?

– Aye, I tell him.

He slides me a plastic packet of pills. – I got them on a bust. The charlie situ should improve tonight.

– Good, I smile, pocketing the pills.

– What about this fuckin EO’s briefing? Ray asks.

– Shouldnae take mair than an ooir, I say, shuddering as the big blonde hoor from central admin comes past. I give her the eye but she’s not biting. Probably lesbo tendencies. – Ride thon, eh Ray?

– No half.

– Any luck? Ah saw you sniffin roond it doon the ca

– Nah, she shags on recommendation only. Ah heard that she’s a size freak. She finds oot fae the other lassies likes ay Karen Fulton n that crowd, who the guys wi the really big packets are and she’ll only fuck them.

– That’s you oot the ru

– Cheeky cunt, Ray says, a slight beamer on his face. – Listen, we’d better nash to this briefing.

– Aye, right.

In the event, the EO briefing only takes half an hour. I even get on Niddrie’s good side when I hit a note with the cunt on politics, much to Amanda Drummond’s distaste.

– Equality is a lot of nonsense, I say, goading Drummond, who expects me to hang myself by saying something stupid like the black man isn’t the equal of the white man. Think again, dafty.

– How can you say that?

– Easily. It’s a philosophical point. I believe in justifiable inequality. Example: aw that lot we put away. Criminals. Child molesters. They’re no equal with me. No way, I say, as coldly and dispassionately as possible. That struck a chord with Niddrie. He’s an impassive bastard, but I ken he thinks like me.

Anyway, the gig finishes early enough for Ray and I to hit the ca

– That’s cool, Ray nods, – see you up in D.S.

I’ll have to pull up Le

I get into the interview room and Drummond’s got the two wee hoors in there together. This shows her total cluelessness as polis. You never put them together, you always split them up straight away. The first thing they teach ye. Not that I’m complaining, it’s wall-to-wall fa

– I’m sure I’ve seen you before, she says. She’s a fuckin hard wee cow and nae mistake. But that fringe hanging just above those club-mascara eyes and that scarlet red lipstick . . . ya cunt that ye fuckin well are . . .

I realise that I’m staring at her and that Drummond might be clocking my leer, but no, that dyke’s looking just as penetratingly at her, probably fancies her as well.

– Aye, I’m sure I’ve seen ye, she repeats.

– Well as you were in here the other day being questioned by me, that’s highly likely, I sniff.

– Naw, before but, she says.

– I’m sure I’d’ve remembered, a lovely young lady like yourself.

I hear Drummond’s front teeth smacking off her lips. Spotted! Imitation Toal gesture! Her fuckin mentor. No wonder she’s such a fuck-up! She puts some pictures in front of the lassies, two puss-bags known as Setterington and Gorman amongst them. – Did you see any of those men at the club?

They look fazed, especially Sylvia. I’d gie her one in a minute as well. Looks a natural blonde. Talk to Brucie baby.

– Naw, she says, too quickly. Even Drummond notices this.

– Do you know these men? she asks.

They’re too intelligent to lie. – Know of them, seen them aboot, Estelle replies.

– Who are they?

– Du

– So you don’t know their names? Drummond probes. Ah’ll fuckin probe awright: probe wi some prime Scottish beef.

– Nuht.

– Is there anything else you’d like to tell us about that night? Drummond’s asking.

Estelle looks at Sylvia, then at Drummond. I’m being ignored here, ignored by slags, and I do not like it one little bit. I drum at the desk, but I still might as well be invisible. Estelle starts mouthing: – There was a fu

– What was strange about her, Drummond’s asking. I don’t fuckin well like those fluorescent lights. All that seventies shite. Can we no get a fuckin decent office . . .

. . . the Met . . .

. . . Sydney polis . . . a decent office . . .

But that wis New South Wales.

– I du

No you fuckin well don’t know, that’s the fuckin problem you daft wee schemie trollope, you know fuckin nothing, nothing at all . . .

– Was she young, old, big, small, dark, fair . . .

Ma heid’s fuckin well splitting and I’m go

– She was a bit of a dog, Estelle says.

I’m wasting my fuckin time with those slags. They ken nowt. That silly wee Roger Moore Drummond should realise that. Same rules apply. Polis? Her? That will be the day. I rise and leave.