Beautifully Shattered

I want to bask in the sun.

I want to be with Kohen.

Even though my mind knows this, it’s hard to ignore that my heart aches because I’m in somebody else’s arms. I can’t help that my shattered heart is comparing them. Like the way that I have to remind myself to relax into Kohen’s arms when my body naturally molds into Jax. It’s a good thing I don’t listen to my heart anymore. Following my heart is the reason why it’s demolished into a million pieces without any hope of healing.

I wish that I could just shut it off. Like I used to. It would make this so much easier. My heart wouldn’t be aching for Jax. I would be satisfied with Kohen. It would be as easy as flipping a switch for me. Too bad I know exactly how hard it is to flip that switch back on. It’s taken me six long years to feel again, to want to live. No matter how easy it would be to go numb again, I couldn’t do that to myself or Kohen. He doesn’t deserve to be with someone who isn’t really there.

As impossible as it seems, I need to move on from Jax. I almost want to laugh at that idea. I’ve told myself over and over that I need to move on. Telling myself to do something isn’t as easy as following through.

When I look where Kohen has taken us for lunch the next afternoon, I’m surprised that I don’t have to force a smile. The last time I was at Cedar Hill was with Jax. I haven’t been able to come back here since that day. I thought the image of him leaving me would have tainted the love I feel for this place. I was wrong. Nothing could change the way I feel when I’m here. I feel free.

“I’m so glad I’m here with you,” Kohen says.

“Why?” I step out of his embrace to lay the blanket on the grass.

“Because it’s your favorite place and I wanted to be with you here.”

The way Kohen says it’s my favorite place makes me drop my smile for a few seconds before I paint on my fake one. I don’t remember telling him this was my favorite spot. I pretend fascination with everything going on around us, but I’m replaying our time together, trying to remember when I told him about Cedar Hill.

Nothing.

I know I didn’t tell him. I wouldn’t have been able to because of how things ended with Jax the last time I was here. How could he possibly know this is my favorite spot? I come up with a million different answers that are way out of the possibility of reality. I’m overreacting.

This is Cedar Hill, it’s everyone’s favorite spot. Yes, that’s it. He just assumed this would be mine. I can’t even swallow that thought. I know that isn’t it even though I want to believe it. Kohen isn’t one to assume anything. Logan. Kohen wanted to spend the day together and make it special so he asked my brother. Yes, that’s it. That makes the most sense.

With that miniature freak out averted, I grin at him for his thoughtfulness. Pushing past my crazy ideas, I make the best of the day with the wonderful man beside me. Kohen went all out, not that I’m surprised. Kohen doesn’t know how to do anything half-assed.

He has lunch from my favorite deli, cupcakes from the bakery, and wine in plastic solo cups. It might be considered simple to some, but to me it’s perfect because he took time out of his day to go across town to get my favorite things, just to make me happy. You can’t beat that.

After I eat two and a half cupcakes, I split the last one with him. I recline back and enjoy the September sun while Kohen strokes my hair. I wish that I brought my camera, even if I feel like that would be betraying Jax. No matter how many times I tell myself that it doesn’t matter what Jax thinks, I still can’t convince myself that next time I’m here with Kohen, I’ll bring my camera.

The rest of the day passes quickly. Time gets away when you’re enjoying yourself. Hand-in-hand, Kohen and I walk to our apartment building. Kohen seems agitated that he has to work in an hour and can’t go to di

I’m glad that Kohen decides to stay with me as long as possible before he has to leave. He follows me to my room and sits on my bed while I change and freshen up in the bathroom. As much as I want to text Co

Kohen chats with me while I wash my face and reapply mascara and lip gloss. Next, I French braid my hair to the side. I ignore Kohen’s comment again about not wanting to go into work tonight so that he can come with me. Instead I wonder what I’m going to wear and pretend I don’t hear him. I’ve heard him complain all day about it; him complaining is the only downside of our wonderful day together. At first I understood, thinking he was just tired from work, wanted a break, or even something terrible like someone dying on him. Nope, none of those are the reasons. He wants to ditch work and go to di

I laughed at first when he told me that. I thought he was kidding. I even tried putting myself in his shoes, wondering, but came up blank. Yes, Co

“How about you have di

“Hospital food?” I ask, while rolling my eyes.

It’s amazing that he can tell I’m tired. It must be a super power of his that I wasn’t aware he had. Kind of like how I was under the impression that I’m awake and excited to go out to di

“It’s not that bad,” he says.

“I’d rather eat Logan’s gym socks!”

Kohen doesn’t respond which is a good thing. I’m close to throwing a shoe at him at the moment. I can’t believe I want to yell at him and laugh at the same time. Must be another super power of his.

Even though Kohen doesn’t know Co

I look at the full length mirror in front of me and smile. The white sundress that Co

“Besides, I want to go out with them. It’s our weekly di

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?” Kohen screams with disgust in his eyes.

“Excuse me?” I ask, while rubbing my hands down the dress.

He marches to my side, seizes my forearm and practically shoves me back into my closet. “You are NOT wearing that!” Kohen says while rifling through my clothes.