Loving the White Liar

With my newfound anger for the situation, I resolved to go to bed. I walked into a quieter party. Two of the guys were passed out on the floor while Jayden and Jordon battled it out on the Xbox. I walked into the hall closet, and pulled out spare pillows and blankets and set them on the couch.

“I’m off to bed. Goodnight.” Jayden glared at me out of the corner of his eye as Jordon gave me a polite but distracted goodnight. Sometime later, I felt the bed dip next to me and waited for Jayden’s arms to wrap around me.

They never came.

“Oh, Jesus,” I rasped, voice sore and head pounding the next morning. I reached out next to me and got nothing. Peeking up at the clock, I saw it was still early. I rolled over to go back to sleep when I heard the vacuum start. Deciding to give my bladder some much needed relief, I stumbled into the bathroom, emptying the last two Advil into my hand and cupping water to wash them down before taking care of business.

I looked up to see Jayden staring at me from the doorway before he eyed the empty bottle. “If the bottle’s empty, why not trash it? I’m not your maid.”

“Good morning to you too, dear husband,” I snapped sarcastically. He snatched the empty bottle from the sink and made his way back to his noisy chore.

No longer willing to deal with Jayden’s shit, I cornered the bathroom as he wrapped the cord around the vacuum.

“Is the house nice and tidy now? Is it safe to go back to bed? I mean, I know it’s only seven a.m. on Saturday and the day is wasting, but some of us like to sleep on our days off. Oh, and I’m almost sure you forgot to pick that stick out of your ass while you were cleaning,” I said as I hoisted a bottled water from the fridge and headed back to our bedroom. Knowing I had poked the bear and not giving a damn, I buried my head under the covers.

Jayden walked in minutes later carrying a laundry basket full of clothes and slamming the drawers as he put everything away.

“Jayden, give me a fucking break here. I’m trying to sleep off this tequila.”

More slamming followed with the slam of the bedroom door, which pushed my temper to its peak. I burst through the bedroom door, head screaming in pain as I let loose.

“You unbelievable bastard! What in the hell is wrong with you? So you got caught in a lie, wasn’t the first time! Get over yourself!”

Jayden stood to his full height, glaring at me. “Fine, you got me, and how about this: I didn’t want you to come ‘fishing’ with me and I never will. How about that? I want you to leave it the fuck alone, is that clear enough for you?”

Pain seared me as I looked at him, incredulous. “Crystal,” I bit out as my chest tightened.

“I don’t need you analyzing and judging me.”

“I would never do that to you,” I said, lowering my voice. “I just wanted you to trust me.”

“How about we start with the basics, like, oh, I don’t know, not parading around like some nineteen-year-old with your fucking junk hanging out in a room full of my friends, or taking off at odd hours by yourself where I have to worry about you?”

“Your jealously isn’t even cute. It’s not even endearing. It’s just sad,” I countered. “Grow up. I was well covered and I wanted to do laps.”

“Jealous is not the word I would use. How about disgusted?” And that was the hurt that snapped me.

“Disgusted by me? By my body?”

“No, Hilary, that’s not what...Fuck.”

I couldn’t hold back the tears that threatened. “I’m sorry you are so fucking ashamed of me, Jayden. Maybe I’d be a little more respectful if you weren’t lying with every breath you took.” As soon as the words exited my mouth, I regretted them, but stood my ground. “I got a raise yesterday and I didn’t tell you, and why? Because I discovered the man I love had been lying to me for a year. I couldn’t celebrate because I was too worried about you and your shit. I’m not the one with all this shit to deal with, it’s you. And if you want to be on your own with it, you shouldn’t have asked me into your life. I took our vows seriously. I meant them. I love you. But this, this bullshit you are pulling, it hurts. You are hurting me and purposefully because you won’t own it!”

I left the room and got back into bed, feeling no relief from the pain pills. My whole body shook with my silent cries as I replayed his ugly words. I heard Jayden call to Trip and the front door shut as I cried into my pillow, letting my sobs out. He couldn’t hear me. He’d just alienated me like he promised he wouldn’t. I wondered if he was even aware how much his words hurt.

I cried until sleep took me.

I woke when it was just becoming dark outside to music drifting from the living room. Mazzy Star was singing Fade into You as I emerged into the living room. Jayden was staring at the wall as I rounded the corner. When he sensed me standing there, he turned to look at me.

“I need you,” he said quickly. “Please don’t think I don’t. I need you with me, Hilary. I was wrong to lie and I’m sorry. I was wrong to shut you out and I’m sorry for that, too. For all of it, I’m sorry.” His voice was even, and without much emotion as he apologized. It confused me.

“Well, I’ll just take my disgusting self to shower. Are you hungry?” Damn it, why couldn’t I let it go?

Because his words hurt, that’s why. They hurt.

“You know I didn’t mean that,” he said, rubbing his foot against the coffee table.

“Whatever. It’s over, right? You said you were sorry and I just have to deal with it, right?” He looked at me in all seriousness and opened his mouth to speak and then closed it. I turned away, no longer able to bear the look in his eyes without going to him and went to shower.

I spent the night alone in our bed on the internet still searching for my dream career and coming up empty. I called Gerri who was busy with Drew and let her go before she could hear the weight of my tone. I spent an hour on the phone in a group text with my sisters, only getting sporadic responses then gave up. No matter who I reached out to, the closeness I craved was with the man who had decided to let me have my space. As much as I wanted to forgive him, and as sure as I was I would, I just couldn’t do it as easily this time.

It hurt, so I let it hurt, and I let him know it.

That night, in the late hours of morning, I felt the bed dip and this time the arms came, and I accepted them, hurt be damned.

Days later at work, I was finishing a reservation with the Donaldson’s when I got a delivery. Jayden and I were still on slightly shaky ground. He sent me a small spray of white roses with a lavender bow and a card that said I miss you. I knew what he meant and I felt the same. It was distance we were both feeling, no matter how small. I quickly texted him.

Me: I miss you too.

Jayden: Forgive me.

Me: I already have.

Jayden: I’m not breathing the same.

Me: Me either.

When I got home that day, I walked Trip and took a quick shower, determined to bridge the small gap we’d both created. We were newlyweds, we would fight, we would make up. This was what it was.

Jayden walked through the door, his day had clearly worn him out.

“Hi,” I said, approaching him and extending the olive branch.

“Hi, baby,” he said, taking a tentative step toward me. I wrapped my arms around him.

“I’m sweaty and I have sawdust all over me,” he offered, taking in my freshly showered form.