Daddy, Stop Talking! And Other Things My Kids Want but Won't Be Getting

These snarky T-shirts are all the rage these days, and not just on kids. At one point, Kimmel’s brother-in-law decided to start an online T-shirt company. He was one of those guys you’d see constantly rocking that “No Fear” gear, so of course he decided he needed to get into the douchewear game. He very proudly pulled me aside one day to show me his latest T-shirt. It said “Scars Heal, Losing Doesn’t.” I smiled politely but then had to inform him, “But scars don’t heal. Wounds heal and leave scars. Scars are the permanent thing that is left behind. Scars never heal. I still have a scar from a vaccination in 1964.” There was a prolonged pause of stu

When I was on Loveline, a listener once sent me a T-shirt that read “Masturbation Is Not a Crime.” I brought it home and did what I do with all the shit people send me (sorry, fans). I put it in a pile to give to the housekeeper. The problem was that my non-English-speaking maid’s non-English-speaking husband wore it to work one day and got fired.

This attitude pandemic has really affected So

This kind of behavior started early with So

I’m also considered a monster for not hoisting him on my shoulders and celebrating his “home run.” It was not a home run. Yes, So

I don’t think any of this helped So

Kids hit the field today, in whatever sport, thinking they know everything there is to know. They don’t even want to hear any direction or coaching. Another time, when So

Things really went into overdrive when So

One day, I spent eight hours broiling at L.A. Valley College for one of So

The whole thing got even more insane when they called his name and he snapped into a Usain Bolt victory posture. If Usain Bolt had come in eighth at the Olympics he would have just kept ru

Here’s an actual picture of So

This isn’t just an L.A. thing either. One of my listeners tweeted to me that at his kids’ school they had a track meet and third place was gold, second was platinum and first was double platinum. There literally was no bronze. The ranking system they’ve had since the inception of the modern Olympics is not good enough for today’s princes and princesses, and will certainly destroy their fragile self-esteem.

Don’t take all of this the wrong way. I love to see my kids succeed, I just think that as a society we continue to lower the threshold of what is deemed a success in order to not hurt any feelings.

Let me end with this quick note to So

Son,

I bust balls about the ninth-place finish being a podium finish because I don’t want you to settle for that. That game ball on your shelf for your home run is a living reminder of settling for okay instead of great. I used to get participation trophies for my years of playing football. But I have no idea where those are now, because I got rid of them. They meant nothing to me. Those trophies were given to me for simply showing up. They may as well have been handed out on the first day of practice. Instead of that, I want you to feel the pride that comes with doing your best and kicking some ass. Like you did on this day:

This is a picture of you wi