On Dublin Street

“I’ll need to add that to my repertoire.”

I laughed, that laughter trailing off into tense silence. “I’m scared,” I finally admitted. “I have my family’s things in storage. I’m going over to visit their graves and maybe finally do something about all that stuff.”

“You never told me you kept all of their things.”

“Yeah. Put it in storage and pretended like it didn’t exist.”

“This is a really good step you’re taking, Joss.”

“Yeah. I hope so.”

She frowned now. “Braden’s met someone?”

I ignored the pain. “It’s what I wanted.”

“Joss, I know you told yourself that, but still it can’t be easy to see him with someone new so soon. Especially after chasing you and promising you that he wouldn’t give up.”

“It just proves me right. He doesn’t love me.”

“And he’s definitely seeing this new woman? There’s no misunderstanding?”

“Not according to Ellie.”

“Then a trip to Virginia might be exactly what you need right now.”

“Oh it’s not a trip.” I shook my head. “Well, it is and isn’t. I’m thinking of moving back permanently once I know Ellie’s going to be okay. I’m going to shop around for a place when I get there and come back to Edinburgh and sort out my affairs…”

Dr. Pritchard shook her head. “I don’t understand. I thought Edinburgh was your home? I thought Ellie was your family?”

“Ellie is my family. She always will be.” I smiled sadly. “I can’t watch him be with someone else,” I admitted. “He was wearing me down all right. You, Ellie, him. All of you were wearing me down about it. You don’t think I know chasing him off is irrational?” I found myself raising my voice. “I know it’s irrational. I couldn’t stop myself—it was like someone else was inside me, pushing him away because I was so terrified of losing him.”

“Joss,” the good doctor’s voice was soft, soothing, “Irrational, yes, but understandable. You suffered a lot of loss as a young girl. Braden knows exactly what you were doing. That’s why he wasn’t giving up.”

“He gave up at the sight of the first long pair of legs that came along.”

“That’s really why you’re leaving?”

“I know I sound like a crazy person. One minute I’m adamant I don’t want to be with him, and as soon as I find out he’s with someone else, I freak out. Thing is, nothing’s changed. Except now I don’t want to be with him because he clearly doesn’t love me the way I love him. It’s always been the thrill of the chase with him.”

“Well, I’d have to have Braden in to speak with him to have an opinion on that, but I do think you need to communicate with him. You need to tell him this before you leave for Virginia, or you’ll always wonder, Joss. Do you know what’s scarier than taking a risk and losing?”

I shook my head.

“Regret, Joss. Regret does awful things to a person.”

***

We all went to the hospital for Ellie. Even Ha

We sat in a waiting room even though the doctors told us we should probably go home and come back in a few hours. None of us wanted to leave. I sat next to Elodie, Ha

Did you know that time stops in a hospital waiting room? No joke. It just stops. You look at the clock it says twelve o’ one and you look back at it in what feels like an hour and it’s only freaking twelve o’ two.

Ellie had painted my fingernails last night when she needed something to do to take her mind off of surgery. By the time the surgeon came out to us hours later, I had picked every last bit of the polish off.

We shot to our feet when Dr. Dunham finally entered the waiting room. He smiled at us, looking tired, but perfectly calm. “Everything went really well. We removed all of the mass and have sent the tumors for biopsy. Ellie’s been taken to the post-op wing but it’ll be a little while yet before she comes out of the anesthesia. I know you’ve been here all day, so I suggest you go home for a few hours and return for tonight’s visiting hours.”

Elodie shook her head, her eyes bright with worry. “We want to see her.”

“Just give her some time,” Dr. Dunham replied kindly. “I promise she’s fine. You can return tonight. I’ll warn you now, she’ll probably still be very groggy, and the right side of her face is swollen quite badly from the surgery. That’s perfectly normal.”

I squeezed Elodie’s arm. “Come on. We’ll go get the kids some di

“Yeah, mum, I’m hungry,” Declan complained quietly.

“Okay,” she whispered, still sounding unconvinced.

“Thank you, Dr. Dunham.” Clark held out his hand and the surgeon took it with a kind smile. After Adam and Braden shook his hand and Elodie and I offered him a grateful smile, Dr. Dunham left us to gather ourselves. A tension had eased between us all knowing that she’d come through surgery safely, but we were still anxious to see her.

It wasn’t until we were leaving the hospital and Braden edged up to me to draw me into his side for a hug, that I realized for once in God knows how long I hadn’t thought about my drama with him. I’d just been thinking about Ellie.

As soon as he touched me though I remembered Isla and I tensed.

He felt it, his body turning hard against mine. “Jocelyn?” he asked questioningly.

I couldn’t look at him. I shrugged out of his hold taking advantage of his surprise, and hurried to catch up with Ha

***

That night the nurse led us to the post-op wing and we were allowed into see Ellie. Her curtains were drawn around her, and Elodie and Clark were in front of me so I didn’t see her at first. When they greeted her quietly and stepped back I flinched.

I hadn’t expected to feel so scared.

Dr. Dunham was right—her head was pretty swollen and kind of misshapen on the right side, her eyes still glazed from the anesthesia. White padded bandages were wrapped tight around her head and I felt my stomach lurch as I thought about the fact that today her brain had been cut into.

She gave me a lopsided quirk of a smile. “Joss,” her voice was hoarse, barely audible.

I wanted to run. I know. That’s horrible. But I wanted to run away from this part. People ending up in hospital had never concluded well in my life, and seeing her there, so vulnerable, so exhausted, just reminded me of how close we might have come to losing her.

I felt a hand squeeze mine and I turned my head to see Ha

I reached out for the hand Ellie had held out for her mom, and I slid mine into it, feeling relief and love as she gave me a gentle squeeze. “Am I pretty?” she asked with a little slur, and I laughed softly.

“Always, honey.”