Letters

“Why alphabetical priority, Horner?” the Doctor asked you at your A

He knows you have Forgotten Nothing of those semesters in Wicomico. You Repeated the principles of Sinistrality and Antecedence: if alternatives are side by side, choose the one on the left; if they’re consecutive in time, choose the earlier; if neither of these applies, choose the alternative whose name begins with the earlier letter of the alphabet.

“But I’d often Have Trouble Choosing which principle to Use,” you Told him. “In the order you first gave them to me — Sinistrality, Antecedence, Alphabetical Priority — Sinistrality is farthest left and earliest read, but not alphabetically prior. If I Put Antecedence first, it’s both antecedent and sinistral but ditto. Then when I Started my Hornbook and Got in the Habit of Listing Things Alphabetically, I Remarked that in the series Alphabetical Priority, Antecedence, Sinistrality, Alphabetical Priority is alphabetically prior, as well as both antecedent and sinistral. So that’s the one I Use.”

“Jacob Horner: you are a Fool.”

Knee to knee in the Progress and Advice Room, you both Regarded your Cigars.

“You are Forty-Six,” the Doctor said.

“As of yesterday.”

“Though we speak here only once a year now, and you are Virtually in Charge of Administering the Farm since Mrs. Dockey’s death, you Still Regard yourself as My Patient?”

You Smiled Ruefully. “I’m Afraid So.”

“I’m Afraid So,” the Doctor mocked. “You have Made No Progress in eighteen years, Horner. You are the Same Vacuum I picked up in Baltimore in 1951, except that you have Gotten Older, and it Took you longer than most of us to Do That. You will Be Here till you Die.”

You Did Not Respond.

“Mrs. Dockey predicted as much in ’53,” the Doctor went on. “Also, that your Guilt in the matter of Mrs. Morgan’s death was not suicidal, except figuratively. She predicted a long life for you, without content.”

“You must miss Mrs. Dockey,” you Ventured Sympathetically.

The Doctor considered. “A serviceable old twat. Very convenient for me in those days.” He paused. “But I miss no one.”

The subject of sexuality thus raised, there ensued an apparent digression from your Interview Proper to review those of the patients who were on Heterosexual Therapy. Tombo X, as a rule, services female patients under 40 whose schedules include this therapy, unless they require a Father Surrogate like the Doctor himself or unless miscegenation is judged antitherapeutic, in which cases either you or Monsieur Casteene accommodates them, depending. Your Own Services have proved most effective with elder women, in particular those pleasant Protestant widows who get through their summers at the old Chautauqua Institution, rocking with their silver-haired sorority on the wickered porches of the Athenaeum, but who tend to immobility in the dreary Great Lakes winters, which they have insufficient means to flee. Once convinced (by articles in the Reader’s Digest on Swinging Senior Citizens and the New Gerontology) that there is nothing amiss in the stirrings of their bereft and sluggish blood, they take pleasure in the tonic of decorous fornication. And generally they experience less guilt and enjoy more remobilization with you than with a partner coeval to their late lamenteds.

You have Lapsed into Writing. Stop.

But Tombo X had a

You Pled Disqualification on the grounds of a Slight Prior Acquaintance, in college days, with Pocahontas’s ex-husband, the writer Ambrose Mensch.

“Do not Bother me with History,” the Doctor said. But troubled himself to inquire whether Pocahontas had been on the scene in those days.

“No. As a matter of fact, I Believe Mensch’s mistress back then was the Mack girl. The one we’re calling Bibi.”

“Incroyable. Both here at the same time. Do they know?”

So far as you Knew, you Reported, Marsha Mensch and Bea Golden (née Jea

But Stay: this is Writing.

“And you are No Longer in Correspondence with the husband?”

Had not Been in Correspondence with anyone save yourself, you Admitted, since 10/27/53.

“Then there is no reason to fear a replay of the Morgan fiasco,” the Doctor concluded, “which is what you are Thinking of. In any case, you Can No Longer Impregnate; nor can Pocahontas, being divorced, achieve adultery. If it doesn’t work out, Set her up with one of our straighter-looking draft dodgers.”

In his latter years, especially since our removal from west New York to Ontario, the Doctor has become something of a chauvinist in the original sense, and espouses a hawkish line on U.S. involvement in Southeast Asia. He takes professional umbrage at what he calls the misuse of the precious word movement for an antiwar program whose chief tactic is obstruction by sit-in and going limp. Even the black civil rights movement, earlier in the decade, he would dignify by that term only in its marching, not its sitting, aspect, and he would not sing “We Shall Overcome” except at double its torpid tempo. For the young draft resisters who flock across the Peace Bridge from the States, he has only contempt. There are a number of them among the patients; very few, in your Opinion, suffer from clinical immobility. The Doctor agrees, and dismisses them as “kinetic hypochondriacs”; but they are here for another reason.