Immaculate

This was the island at its most pure and most raw, and the effect was amazingly cleansing. Revitalizing. I felt more spiritual standing by the brutal, beautiful force of the ocean than I had at church on Christmas Eve. Maybe this was how I would worship from now on. Not in a pew, contained by walls and a roof, but out in nature instead, surrounded by water and trees and birds, all reminders of just how many pieces came together to make up our world. All the little miracles that came together just so, by chance or by will, at random, or according to plan—I wasn’t sure that it mattered. Whichever way, the world’s creation was nothing short of miraculous.

I spread our old red-and-white-checkered blanket along a patch of dry sand and plunked down on it, stretching out as I lay on my back and knotted my hands on top of my belly. The sky was bright blue and cloudless, a perfect beach day even if the winter sun couldn’t warm my upturned face. Ha

We lay there in silence for a while, all of us lost in our own thoughts as we stared out at the ocean. The sound of the waves crashing felt more important than any words I could think of to say over them.

But then Ha

“So I know I haven’t really talked about the whole college application thing much in a long time. It just hasn’t seemed as . . . I don’t know, as important as everything else, Mina. Plus I know it’s all probably kind of weird for you, since you’re still not sure what you’re doing next fall . . .”

“Ha

Maybe I had avoided—we had avoided—the topic of college. I hadn’t intended to, not consciously at least. I cared about my friends’ futures, where they were going, what they’d be doing in the next eight months. I just couldn’t stand to think about Green Hill without them. Of course they’d want to move on, just as I had wanted to six months ago. The difference was they still could.

“Well, I don’t know anything yet, but I just finished my application to NYU for their journalism program. It’s my top choice by far.”

“What happened to Ole Miss?” I asked, afraid to feel too relieved. “Becoming a belle? I thought that was your new dream?”

“Oh, that. That was just a silly summer notion. I don’t want to go that far, Mina. New York is only two hours away, so I can come back all the time. And you can come visit, too. You and the baby, of course,” she added. “It’s a great school for journalism, hopefully not too great for me to get into. But more important, I can still see you when I want, not just on the major holidays and summer break.”

“Firstly, with your SAT scores and GPA, I’d be floored if NYU would be stupid enough to reject you. But secondly, I only want you going there if it’s what you want, Ha

“It’s about both of us. You’re not letting me do anything.” She was using her mom voice on me, the tone that meant there was zero room for debate. “So, Jesse, how about you? Have you heard back from anywhere? You’ve been pretty silent about the whole college thing so far.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t like to get my hopes too high. And I don’t like to tell other people and then risk disappointing anyone else when it doesn’t happen. I’ll be disappointed enough on my own.” He took a deep breath and exhaled into the wind. “But, since we’re all being pretty open and honest here . . . I guess I can make an exception. I want to be in New York, too. It’s the only place other than LA to be for film, and I have family in Brooklyn, so I figure I could maybe live with them and save some cash. I have my submissions in at NYU, too, like you, and then Columbia, Pratt . . . But it just depends on what kinds of loans I can lock down. My parents aren’t able to help, so . . . So yeah, we’ll see. No promises.”

“So I might have a friend in New York!” Ha

“Ha

I pressed my lips together and made myself smile. “That’s so exciting, guys, seriously. I would love to have both of you just a few hours away. And in New York City, too! You’ll be my tour guides.”

The words felt false on my lips, and I was furious at myself for not feeling happier about their news. Why didn’t I? Why couldn’t I be thrilled for them—following their dreams, moving to a big, bright new city, and studying at fantastic schools? I wanted to believe that I was only jealous because they’d be going off to all the excitement of New York while I’d still be in Green Hill.

But it was more than that; I knew it was. I couldn’t stop the shiny montage spi

They would not only both experience so many amazing new things—they’d experience those amazing new things together.

Without me.

Sure, they’d think about me, talk about me, call and visit and write e-mails with clever observations about their day, but it wouldn’t be the same. We wouldn’t be the same.

The beach day suddenly felt much less perfect and exhilarating. The air felt downright cold rather than refreshing and invigorating, the sand felt too dense and difficult to walk through, and the little grits I could feel gathering inside the edges of my sleeves made me want to be curled up in my clean, smooth sheets with a warm mug of chamomile tea in my hands. I wanted to be anywhere but there, with anyone but the two of them. And I felt even more terrible for wanting that—for wanting to be away from two of the best friends I would probably ever have. But it made me feel nauseated watching them, noticing now just how close the two of them had gotten. It wasn’t me and Jesse and me and Ha

But I wasn’t happy, not at all, and I was ashamed of myself for it.

After we all started getting too cold to pretend we wanted to stay much longer, we piled back into Jesse’s truck. Ha