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Maybe, he thought, I will tell Jean I have reconsidered.
“How’s the food at school?” he asked, just to break the long silence.
“Okay,” Billy said.
“How’re the boys?”
“Okay. Ah—not so okay. There’s an awful lot of talk about what bigshots their fathers are, how they have lunch with the President and tell him how to run the country, how they go to Newport for the summertime, how they have horses at home, and how their sisters have debutante parties that cost twenty-five thousand dollars.”
“What do you say when they talk like that?”
“I keep quiet.” Billy’s glance was hostile. “What am I supposed to say? My father lives in one room and he’s been fired from three jobs in two years? Or should I tell them what a great driver he is after lunch?” Billy said all this in an even, uninflected conversational tone, alarmingly mature.
“What about your stepfather?”
“What about him? He’s dead. And even before he died, there weren’t six boys in the school who ever heard of him. They think people who do plays and make movies are some kind of freak.”
“What about the teachers?” Rudolph asked, desperate to find one thing at least that the boy approved of.
“I don’t have anything to do with them,” Billy said, putting more butter on his baked potato. “I do my work and that’s all.”
“What’s wrong, Billy?” It was time now to be direct. He did not know the boy well enough to be indirect.
“My mother asked you to come here, didn’t she?” Billy looked at him shrewdly, challengingly.
“If you must know—yes.”
“I’m sorry if I worried her,” Billy said. “I shouldn’t have sent that letter.”
“Of course, you should have sent the letter. What is it, Billy?”
“I don’t know.” The boy had stopped eating by now and Rudolph could see that he was fighting to control his voice. “Everything. I feel like I am going to die if I have to stay here.”
“Of course you won’t die,” Rudolph said sharply.
“No, I guess not. I just feel as though I am.” Billy was petulant, juvenile, for a moment. “That’s a whole different thing, isn’t it? But feeling is real, too, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is,” Rudolph admitted. “Come on. Talk.”
“This is no place for me,” Billy said. “I don’t want to be trained to grow up into what all these fellows are going to grow up into. I see their fathers. A lot of them went to this same school twenty-five years ago. They’re like their kids, only older, telling the President what to do, not knowing that Colin Burke was a great man, not even knowing he’s dead. I don’t belong here, Rudy. My father doesn’t belong here. Colin Burke wouldn’t have belonged here. If they keep me here, by the end of four years they’ll make me belong here and I don’t want that. I don’t know …” He shook his head despondently, his fair hair swinging over the high forehead he had inherited from his father. “I guess you think I’m just not making any sense. I guess you think I’m just another homesick kid griping because he wasn’t elected captain of the team or something …”
“I don’t think that at all, Billy. I don’t know whether you’re right or not, but you certainly have figured out your reasons.” Homesick, he thought. The word had reared up from the sentence. Which home?
“Compulsory chapel,” Billy said. “Making believe I’m a Christian seven times a week. I’m no Christian, Mom isn’t a Christian, my father’s not a Christian, Colin wasn’t a Christian, why do I have to take the rap for the whole family, listen to all those sermons? Be upright, have clean thoughts, don’t think about sex. Our Lord Jesus died to cleanse our sins. How would you like to sit through crap like that seven times a week?”
“Not much.” The boy certainly had a point there. Atheists did have a religious responsibility toward their children.
“And money,” Billy said, his voice low but intense, as a waitress passed nearby. “Where’s the money going to come for my big fat education now that Colin’s dead?”
“Don’t worry about that,” Rudolph said. “I’ve told your mother I’d take care of it.”
Billy looked at him malevolently, as though Rudolph had just confessed that he had been plotting against him. “I don’t like you enough, Uncle Rudy,” he said, “to take that from you.”
Rudolph was shaken, but he managed to speak calmly. After all, Billy was only fourteen, only a child. “Why don’t you like me well enough?”
“Because you belong here,” Billy said. “Send your own son here.”
“I won’t comment on that.”
“I’m sorry I said it. But I meant it.” There was a pressure of tears in the long-lashed, blue, Abbott eyes.
“I admire you for saying it,” Rudolph said. “By the time boys reach your age they usually have learned to dissemble for rich uncles.”
“What am I doing here, on the other side of the country, when my mother is sitting alone, all by herself, night after night, crying?” Billy went on, in a rush. “A man like Colin is killed and what am I supposed to be doing—cheering at a silly football game or listening to some Boy Scout in a black suit telling us Jesus saves. I’ll tell you something—” The tears were rolling down his cheeks now and he was mopping them with a handkerchief, but speaking fiercely at the same time. “If you don’t get me out of here, I’m going to run away. And, somehow, I’m going to turn up in that house where my mother is, and anyway I can help her I’m going to help her.”
“All right,” Rudolph said. “We can stop talking about it. I don’t know what I can do, but I promise you I’ll do something. Fair enough?”
Billy nodded miserably, mopped some more, put the handkerchief away.
“Now let’s finish our lunch,” Rudolph said. He didn’t eat much more, but watched Billy clean his plate, then order apple pie à la mode and clean that plate. Fourteen was an all-absorbing age. Tears, death, pity, apple pie, and ice cream mingled without shame.
After lunch, in the car driving over to the school, Rudolph said, “Go up to your room. Pack a bag. Then come down and wait for me in the car.”
He watched the boy go into the building, neat in his Sunday go-to-chapel suit, then got out of the car and followed. Behind him, a touch-tackle game was in progress on the drying lawn, boys crying, “Throw it to me, throw it to me,” in one of the hundreds of games of their youth that Billy never joined.
The Common Room off the hallway was full of boys playing Ping-Pong, sitting over chess boards, reading magazines, listening to the Giant game on a transistor radio. From upstairs came the roar of a folk-singing group from another radio. Politely, the boys around the Ping-Pong table made way for him, older man, as he walked across the room, toward the doorway of the Fairweathers’ apartment. They seemed like fine boys, good looking, healthy, well ma
He rang the bell to the Fairweather apartment and the door was opened by a tall, slightly stooping man, with a lock of hair hanging over his forehead, a healthy complexion, a ready and welcoming smile. What nerves a man must have to be able to live in a house full of boys like this.
“Mr. Fairweather?” Rudolph said.
“Yes?” Amiable, easy.
“I hate to disturb you, but I’d like to talk to you for a moment. I’m Billy Abbott’s uncle. I was …”
“Oh, yes,” Fairweather said. He extended his hand. “My wife told me you paid her a visit before lunch. Won’t you please come in?” He led the way down a book-lined hallway into the book-lined living room, the noise from the Common Room miraculously extinguished with the closing of the door. Sanctuary from youth. Insulation from the young by books. Rudolph wondered if perhaps when Denton had offered him the post at the college, the book-lined life, he had made the wrong choice.