Backlash

“Lara? What’s happening?” A nurse stands in the doorway. She gestures for us to get out of the room. My parents don’t want to, but she doesn’t take no for an answer. She closes the door in Mom’s face as soon as we get out, and we can only hear the murmur of voices from behind the closed door.

“Pete, I told you it wasn’t a good idea,” Mom bites out from between clenched teeth. “Just because it’s your way of coping with what happened doesn’t mean it’s the best thing for Lara.”

“Are you sure she’s ready to get out of the hospital?” Dad deflects.

And they’re off. My parents are arguing about my sister again. I walk down the hall and thumb a text to Maddie and Cara.

It’s official. My entire family has lost it.

But I pause before hitting Send. And then, with a sigh, I backspace and erase it.

It’s hard enough at school being the sister of “that girl who tried to kill herself.” Add to that being stuck backstage doing crew at play rehearsals while my friends are onstage together. Why add to my problems by being honest about how crazy things really are with my messed-up family?

The nurse comes out of Lara’s room, and my parents stop arguing and pretend everything’s fine.

“We need to talk,” the nurse says. “But first, I’m going to give Lara something to calm her down.”

“Can we go in?” Mom asks.

“She doesn’t want to see you right now,” the nurse says. “Only her sister. And we need to set up a family meeting for the two of you with Lara’s psychiatrist before she is released tomorrow. If her doctor still feels that’s appropriate.”

Then she walks away to get Lara’s medication.

Me? Why me?

I can tell my parents are wondering the same thing as I open the door to Lara’s room and slip inside. She’s lying on the bed, curled up in the fetal position. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say or do, and I’m afraid to do anything that might set her off again. I sit on the edge of the bed.

“Hey … are you okay?” I ask in a quiet, and what I hope is calming, voice.

Duh. Stupid question. If she were okay, she wouldn’t be in this place.

“Do you have your phone?”

Her voice is muffled, because her face is still half buried in the pillow.

“My phone? Yeah, why?”

“I want to … They won’t let me use the computer in here and …” My sister sits up and faces me, reaching out and taking my hand. “I have to see if he wrote to me.”

I’m about to say, “Seriously?” but I bite the word back.

“Lara, I can’t let you use my phone. Mom and Dad would kill me.”

I try to pull my hand out of her grasp, but she holds on.

“Come on, Syd, please,” she begs. Her fingers are white-knuckled around my wrist, gripping so hard it hurts. “I need to know.”

“Lara, no! I can’t do it. You shouldn’t be asking me to.”

“Shouldn’t be asking you to do what?” It’s the nurse, carrying a tray with a small paper cup containing pills and a plastic cup filled with water. She looks at Lara sternly.

My sister’s fingers become limp on my arm and fall off, and her eyes plead with me not to rat her out.

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by covering for her, but I say, “Nothing,” and I get up to leave.

As I walk out the door, I hear the nurse quizzing my sister — was she asking me to do something that was against the rules?

“See you tomorrow, Lara,” I call out.

As bad as I feel for my sister being stuck in this awful place, part of me hopes the nurse tells the doctor that she was trying to break the rules and that she has to stay in longer.

I’m the worst sister in all eternity.

Mom and I have to stop at the pharmacy on the way home from the hospital to pick up prescriptions they’ve called in for Lara so we’ll have them when she’s released. We bump into Mrs. Helman, Spencer’s mom. She asks how Lara is doing.

“Much better,” Mom tells her, beaming at Mrs. Helman with what I’ve started calling her Paranormal Smile. “She’s improving every day.”

Considering we’ve just left Lara having to be given something “to calm her down” because she was crying her eyes out, I have to wonder if my mother is living in some kind of alternative reality.

“I’m so happy to hear that,” Mrs. Helman says. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

And then Mom asks her if she’s pla

Dad went back to work after the hospital, and Mom and I have already eaten by the time he gets home, so he grabs a plate and comes to sit with me and watch TV. I’m watching a rerun of some old rom-com movie because I don’t want to think about anything other than laughing.

“Can I switch to the news?” Dad asks.

“Dad, I’m watching this!”

“You’ve seen that movie at least five times already, Syd,” he says. “And it’s not exactly intellectually stimulating.”

“I don’t want intellectually stimulating,” I say, throwing the remote control in his lap and getting up off the sofa. “I want something that’s going to take my mind off this crazy house and all the crazy people in it!”

I stomp up to my room and hurl myself on the bed. I wish I were old enough to drive so I could get in the car and just go somewhere. Not that I have a destination in mind. Anywhere but here.

Unfortunately, I don’t have that option. The closest thing I have is a book. I pull one of my favorites off the shelf and start reading it again, hoping that reading about other people’s problems will help me forget my own.

My sister is home from the hospital by the time I get back from school the next day.

“Shh!” Mom says when I let myself into the kitchen. “Lara’s resting. She tires very easily.”

“Is she in the family room?” I ask. “Because I have homework to do and I need to use the computer.”

“No, she’s in her room,” Mom says.

“So … why do I have to shush, then? She’s upstairs. I’m downstairs. I can’t even talk in my own house?”

We’re inside the house, so the Paranormal Smile is nowhere to be seen. Mom gives an exasperated sigh. “Sit down, Sydney. I need to explain a few rules going forward,” she says.

This doesn’t sound good. I slide into a chair at the table and perch on the edge, waiting for the axe to fall. What are my parents going to take away from me this time because of Lara?

“Your sister is still in a … fragile state,” Mom says. “We have to keep a close eye on her to make sure she doesn’t come to any harm.”

“Wait, you mean she might try to kill herself again?”

“There’s no immediate risk but —”

“If they thought she might try to do it again, why’d they let her out of the freaking hospital?” I ask, my voice rising in anger at the doctors who made the decision.

I don’t want to knock on my sister’s door or the bathroom door and get no answer and wonder if she’s okay or if she’s dead. I don’t want to feel that sick, gut-wrenching panic ever again.

“Sydney, keep your voice down!” Mom hisses. “Lara’s sleeping.”

“How am I supposed to sleep knowing my sister might try to kill herself in the next room at any random moment?”