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Seeing your strength and knowing that regardless of what happens you’re going to be able to do the right thing.
Now it’s time for the advice portion of my letter. The words I wish to impart on you that you will make an earnest effort to consider.
I have to pause and read through the begi
I’ve constantly struggled over this with your letters over the years but, it’s always scared me a lot more than it does this year for several reasons, but to the same point, this year you have something much larger to potentially lose and therefore I feel horrified at the prospect. Take a deep breath and finish by drinking something strong. I hope it helps.
If, God forbid, you’re reading this, Max has probably let you go.
A fresh course of chills sear my skin, and I reread the sentence several times before quietly whispering, “What?”
Knowing how much he loves you, I’m sure it was very difficult for him, and he’s currently cursing my grave asking me “what now?” while you continue on your journey, seeking out answers to questions you don’t have.
You’ll never be able to answer all of the questions that life throws at you. All you can do is enjoy what you’re given, and make the very best of it, so I’m going to tell you, it’s time to go home Ace.
I pause and feel my brows furrow as I look up at Fitz.
“What?”
“He knew. He knows. How in the hell did he know?”
“Know what?”
“That I’d leave.” I push the letter toward him. “He knew I’d leave if something ever happened to him. He knew that Max would let me go. How in the hell did he know?”
“Did you finish?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Keep reading.”
I know you’ll be hurting and be in a difficult place, but you need him, Ace. This last year you found someone you love even more than you love me, and although it was difficult for me to accept at first, I’m relieved you did. Max is your home now and that’s where you belong. I know I’m telling my twenty-year-old daughter and her free, independent spirit to go ru
Life is going to be filled with hurdles that test our strengths, but ultimately, it’s a celebration—a journey. Don’t stop because it hurts, or because it’s scary; pain and fear already take too much, don’t give them more. Fight to be happy, Ace. Fight to see the good, because it is always there if you look deep enough. Fight for life. And always, fight for love.
Finish your journey, and then go home. There’s another letter for you when you get there. Go tell Clementine you’re ready.
Save travels,
All of my love,
Dad
PS
I hope you’re reading this at eighty, sitting beside Max and laughing at the prospect of you ever leaving.
PPS
Please don’t ride on the motorcycle.
I read the letter six times and then look up at Fitz.
“I’m twenty-one. It took me over a year to read his letter.”
“It doesn’t matter, H. What matters is you need to go.” His brown eyes are heavy with pain, and his lips are tight as he smiles at me, but his fingertips squeeze around my forearm and he nods and I slowly nod in response.
“I do.”
“What can I do to help?”
I throw my arms around Fitz and clutch him so tightly it hurts. “I want to take you with me.”
“Don’t worry, you can’t get rid of me this easy. We’ll keep in touch, and visit, and get you back on those social networks so you can post daily pictures for me.”
I laugh and shake my head as a tear rolls down my cheek. The letter seems to have revealed something that I already knew: California is where I belong. But leaving hurts, and saying goodbye is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done because I know I won’t be back.
Fitz and I spend the night packing things into boxes and periodically venturing over to one another for a hug.
After I finish filling a box from the bathroom, I find him asleep on the couch I finally bought. I pull the blanket from across the back to cover him, and look over the array of boxes around my small apartment. I thought with coming to Delaware I was ru
I sag onto my new bed and pull out my phone. It’s after two in the morning. Although I have the urge to call Kitty and tell her while all of my emotions are still fresh and raw, I know she needs her rest in order to keep fighting her own battles, so I plug my phone in and close my eyes for one of my last nights in Delaware.
“One of the most courageous things you can do is identify yourself, know who you are, what you believe in and where you want to go.”
–Sheila Murray Bethel
The sky is bluer than blue as I cross the Arizona border into California. It’s the dry stretch that travels through the Chocolate Mountains that Jameson refers to as rock piles.
I press a couple of buttons and ringing echoes through my car.
“Harper, did you make it safely?”
“I just crossed into California. I wanted to touch base with you and see how you’re feeling today.”
“I’m better knowing you’re finally happy.”
“I was happy, Kitty. I was happy in Delaware with Fitz, and you, and Da
“You were happy, weren’t you? You just weren’t fully complete.” I picture her knowing green eyes and smile. “I want to hear all about it! And you let me know when you get there. I don’t care how late it is.”
“Kitty?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you for finding me.”
There’s a long pause and then I hear her suck in a deep breath. “I didn’t find you, Harper. You found yourself. I just helped show you where to look.”
“I love you.” I wipe away a few tears that race down my cheeks.
“I love you too. Drive safe and don’t forget to let me know when you get there.”
“I will. I’ll text you if it’s really late, and then you can call me tomorrow.”
I pull up beside Kendall’s car a little after nine and let out a deep breath. “Alright, Dad, we made it,” I say quietly, ru
My bare feet burn slightly against the heat that clings to the asphalt as I grip my Converse shoes by their laces, my father’s letter still in hand. I look up to the night sky and see an airplane fly overhead, defying convention, and it makes me smile. I look beyond it and find the brightest star in the sky.
“I love you too, Dad.”
My finger shakes as I ring the doorbell.
The door opens a second later and rather than having the perfect movie scene where Max is standing here, ready to kiss me, Kendall looks at me with her bright blue eyes rounding and her breath leaving her in a quiet rush. A teary squeal climbs from her throat as she pulls me into her arms and hugs me with a severity that I’ve learned to recognize over the last few days is only able to transpire between someone that really loves you.