Becoming His

“I’m not freezing you out.”

“The hell you’re not! You’re pissed at me for what I said, and you’re trying to make me pay for it!”

“Pay for it? You think I’m trying to make you pay for it?”

“People have casual sex all the time! I’ve had plenty of it; sex isn’t always about emotions and deep-seated promises tying two people together. It’s naive to think that!” Max’s eyes are dark with anger as he throws an arm in the air.

Although words rush through my head faster than I can aptly process them, I don’t respond. I don’t think I’ll be able to without losing my composure, and the last thing I want to do right now is cry in front of Max, especially when he’s saying these words.

I grab my backpack that thankfully still holds my books and laptop, and without attempting to gather my other belongings that are strewn around, I turn to leave. I know I won’t be able to keep things inside much longer.

“You always want to run away when shit gets real!” His voice is a notch louder than normal as he stands in the doorway with his hands clutching the molding. “You have to stop ru

“What am I supposed to do, Max?”

“Fight! Tell me that’s not what it means. Tell me how you feel!” His voice still carries an authoritative edge, but it wavers at the end, as though he’s realizing these words shouldn’t be said as a demand.

“Are you kidding? You want to completely demean me and our relationship, and now you want me to profess my feelings for you?” I feel my eyebrows lower as I look to him for an answer. All he does is stare back at me with hard eyes, his jaw clenching.

“Move!” I demand, gripping my backpack.

“What is ru

“What is being here going to accomplish? All I want to do right now is get away from you! I’m disgusted with you!”

“You’re disgusted with me for having casual sex?”

“I’m disgusted with you for pretending to care!”

“That’s bullshit and you know it!” Max seethes, his fingers tightening around the molding causes the veins in his arms to become more prominent.

“I thought I knew that, but right now…” my head shakes with defeat “…I don’t know what I know, other than I need to get out of here.”

Before he can respond, I push past him and head down the stairs. I get in my car and throw my bag to the passenger seat and leave.

I drive around aimlessly, not sure where to go. I don’t want to chance ru

I kick my Converse off near the fire pit we’d created and continue down the desolate stretch to where the water softly kisses the sand.

Thoughts flood my mind as I begin to walk toward no particular destination, trying to articulate what’s happening. It takes me a while to realize that I’m further than I’ve ever been and should probably stop. Otherwise, I’ll never make it back before the sun sets, and I don’t have a flashlight to try and find the path that is fairly indistinguishable even in the daylight.

I stare out, facing the waves as my mind relaxes and focuses on the tickle from the water as it washes over my feet, pulling the sand out from under me in small increments, making me slowly sink. I take a deep breath, enjoying the sounds of the surf and the seagulls as they cry overhead, and feel the wind blow through my hair.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you again.”

I leap in the air as my silence is penetrated by Max’s deep voice.

“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to startle you,” Max says, a small grin tugging on his full lips. I pull my attention away from his handsome face. The last thing I need to do right now is be reminded at how beautiful he is.

“Why are you here, Max?” I ask, frowning as I look back to watch the water lap over my feet.

“All weekend I kept hearing how great we are together. How it will be our wedding that everyone’s gathered at next.” His voice grows closer.

My head snaps around to face where he stands a couple of feet behind me. “I’m not giving you any ultimatums or pressuring you into anything!”

“I know.” He turns his attention to the water, and then to me. His eyes don’t seem to be able to focus on me as I watch them waver between iciness and warmth. “I’d almost prefer you did! I never know what in the hell is going through that damn head of yours! I don’t know what you’re thinking or how you feel! You’ve dated so many guys, and yet you were a virgin! And you weren’t reluctant to sleep with me at all, even when you thought …”

Confusion clouds my thoughts as I stare at him. What is he talking about? Is he upset about the first time we had sex again? Then it hits me like a wave soaking me to the core: Max is feeling vulnerable and is afraid of me just as much as I am of him.

“You think I’m using you for casual sex?” The words come out barely above a whisper as my mind spins.

He looks at me expectantly.

“Max, I’ve had a crush on you since the day you moved in next door,” I admit, rolling my eyes, having to discuss his insecurities by forcing me to discuss my feelings. But why am I hiding my feelings? Am I causing his insecurities? But what if Max doesn’t feel as strongly as I do?

I take a deep breath and my lungs quiver, as if they don’t want all of the oxygen because they aren’t sure they want me to continue talking. “Max, I love you.” My brain goes into overdrive, processing if I should have just let my vulnerability shine through.

Max crushes my body against his almost violently, holding my face in his hands as he kisses me. Conflicting emotions rush through me, as the anger, confusion, and doubt begin to wash from me like a receding wave. Love is an emotion that until spoken, I hadn’t realized the immense power that it holds.

“I love you,” Max says against my lips, kissing me softly once more before pulling back further to look at me. I feel my heart race, not realizing how badly I needed to hear his confirmation. He reaches up and softly cradles my face with a large hand. Gently, he slides my hair back as his blue eyes, bright with energy, frantically seek mine, reading my every thought, fear, hope, and things I’m not even aware of. “I love you so much.”

“You’re still reading that book?” I laugh, sitting beside Kendall on the couch and look over her shoulder. “I thought Jameson tossed it?”

“If I sent him a text like this, I think he’d have a heart attack and die,” she says, ignoring my question, and pointing to a section of the book.

I lean forward to read the passage she’s referring to and laugh. “He’d probably die happy though,” I say, smiling at her. Kendall throws her head back and laughs a loud and contagious laugh as Max comes through the doorway with Jameson, returning from a run. He looks at me, holding my gaze as his smile grows as a silent knowledge of our love passes.

Thanksgiving break arrives before we know it and we’re all anxious for the short break. I’ve been working tirelessly at school and pla

“I want to see a picture of her picking an apple, or I’ll never believe it,” I tease, pulling up to the departure gate.

“Pick apples.” Kendall scoffs, getting out of the car. Really, I couldn’t care less about the apples, it’s just the only thing I can think of to try and make her laugh. She’s been freaking out about meeting Jameson’s family, fretting that they won’t like her since we learned his parents weren’t enthused when he moved to San Diego, land of “fake people.”