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I pace the kitchen, trying to calm down from the shaking tremors that are wracking my body. Realizing that nothing is easing my torment, I travel towards the living room where my demons await. I have been ru
I walk through the threshold and see my same eyes peer back at me. My father looks worn, looks beaten, and I can’t help but think that this could be me if I don’t fix this. Alone, a pathetic existence that regrets every fucking moment of their life; I can’t let that be me. As much as I want to feel bad for him, all I feel is disdain and rage. As much as I know that he and I are both to blame for Vivian leaving, I’m not ready to accept my role just yet.
“Did everyone leave on my account?” Raymond asks. I refuse to acknowledge that this man is my father.
“Yes,” I snarl. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I haven’t moved any closer to him, nor has he moved from his station on the couch, both of us unsure how to proceed. My hands are firmly stuffed into my pockets, but my eyes are narrowed directly at his. If he had any question whether I would warmly receive him into my house, he surely knows the answer by now.
“I’m sorry to interrupt your evening, son, I…” My hands fly out of my pockets, and before I realize that I’m even moving, I’m across the room and picking him up off the couch by the collar of his shirt. Slamming him into the nearest wall, I hear his head thud against the sheetrock. I hold him still, letting my forearm forcefully meet his throat. I feel his Adam’s apple wobble under my grip. His eyes widen, and as he struggles for breath, his hands wrap around my arm to create a wedge. I don’t loosen my grip; I slam him harder into the wall.
“I’m not your son. You haven’t earned the title of Father. Everything you do turns to shit, and I don’t want anything to do with you. I considered it ten years ago, and I lost everything because of that decision. I will not make the same mistake twice. Not when I’m so close to having everything I’ve ever wanted. And at no point were you ever part of that equation.”
Raymond stops struggling against my hold, and I relax my arm. “I’m sorry to have come here; I will never bother you again.” His voice is raspy and ragged; his eyes tell me he understands that I want nothing from him.
I let go of him, stumbling away, realizing that in this moment, I’m no better than he is. I feel my anger fade from my body, and remorse fills in the voids. After adjusting his rumpled clothing, he turns to leave, but I reach out, grabbing his elbow to stop him.
“Please, sit down, I need to you to understand this, understand me,” I tell him without meeting his eyes. I hear him sigh, but he does what I ask and sits on the couch.
I find myself pacing in front of him. My mind is swirling with the words to tell him; everything is jumbled, and every coherent, intelligent thought has escaped me. So many times I have started to think about what I would tell him when this moment came, because I knew it would eventually; I just never counted on Vivian being in my life when he and I would meet again. Not only did I walk away from Vivian ten years ago, I left Raymond as well. I left him in that jail to rot, hoping that I could escape from this situation; it was naïve of me, and I’m even more stupid now for letting it play out the way it has. I should have been honest from the very begi
“Look,” I say as I sit across from him in the recliner, “I didn’t mean to explode on you the way I did…”
“No, you don’t need to apologize; I understand. I showed up unexpected after a lot of years of no contact at all. We didn’t leave our relationship on good terms the last time we spoke, so I should have known better.”
“Why, then? Why are you here?” I ask pi
Feeling the heat of my stare, he looks down at his hands, which are laced and roughly being rubbed together. “I know that I was a shit father, and that you don’t consider me anything more than a sperm donor that left you and your mom to fend for yourselves.”
“How much? Is that why you’re here now? You know I have money and you want some start-up funds for your new grand scheme? Money to stay out of my life?” The sarcasm drips from every word, and when he finally looks at me, I see that I’ve wounded him.
“I don’t want your money,” he stutters in a hushed tone. “I wanted the chance to get to know you, see the man you’ve become. I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m not the same person that I was; I’m trying to be better. I’m not proud of who I was, the things that I did, but I’m trying to be an honorable man for the first time in my life. I want to make something of the last half of my life, something you or I won’t be ashamed of.”
Fuck. I had waited my entire life to hear these golden fucking words from this man, and now that I know who he is, I wish he was still the big piece of shit that I remember so I could just walk away, just like I did ten years ago. I don’t want to get warm and fuzzy sharing the holidays with this man, but I don’t want to hate him anymore either.
I hop up and begin pacing in front of him, my hand violently gliding through my mangled hair. My options, what to tell him, and Vivian all twist in my mind. Things are spi
“Dammit, you don’t understand; by allowing you in my life, I will lose everything. When we talked at the prison, I told you that I was in love with Vivian Donavan. I told you that I wanted to marry her, but that I was afraid what would happen if she found out how she and I were really co
“I told you that if you really loved her, to walk away. Her knowing would only hurt her, and it would cause her even more pain to have to choose between you and the memory of her father.”
“Fuck if I didn’t; I followed your advice because I loved her more than I could ever love anything or anyone. I walked away; I made her believe that I didn’t love her and then disappeared. It was the biggest mistake I’ve made until now, and I’ve regretted it every day since. I should have told her; she had the right to make the choice for herself.”
Looking slightly perplexed, Raymond rubs his brow. “So what does this have to do with you and me now?” he asks, which only enrages me.