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It was peaceful.
The last couple of months had been a mixture of failure and triumph, of peace and chaos as Ta
Dave had suggested that I take some time away from volunteering at the hotline and the hospitals. The admins in charge had agreed, feeling it would be best for me to take a break. It was a nice way of them saying they weren’t confident I could handle the pressure, and I understood that. As much as it sucked, I really did understand. And I also understood that while the depression wasn’t my fault, the way I had coped with it had been a terrible decision, and I was going to have to prove that I was capable of handling my illness and stress.
I still worried about the long-term consequences—what having a DUI on my record would mean for employment and the fact I was still adapting to living without a spleen. I still dealt with the guilt over my parents stepping forward and paying the assload of fines associated with my DUI and the lawyer fees that had enabled me to avoid jail time. I’d been lucky, with no previous record, and the fact that I had willingly entered rehab and had stayed beyond the required minimum had helped.
But some days it was hard to look in the mirror, and every so often, I wondered how Dave did it every day.
Over the last couple of months there had been times when I’d come really close to picking up a beer, telling myself it was just one beer and one beer wasn’t going to hurt me. But I’d been able to catch myself and stop that line of thinking. Because one beer would hurt me. I was a binge drinker. One beer would not be enough. I wouldn’t stop after it touched my tongue. And the times when the desire was too great for common sense to make a difference, I had my friends. I had Ta
The thing about alcoholism and depression, I was learning, was that it wasn’t a one-person problem. It affected everyone you came into contact with, sometimes in ways you didn’t even know, and not necessarily negatively either. People wanted to help you. They wanted to understand. You just had to let them.
And one of the most important things I kept forcing myself to remember was that I wasn’t alone in this. Through the ups and downs since I’d gotten out of rehab, Syd and Kyler had been there. Ta
Even when I was sure he wanted to strangle me.
“Hey,” Ta
Lifting my head, I smiled up at him and felt my chest swell with all the love I felt for him. Sometimes that was scary, holding on so tightly to those feelings, but it was also exhilarating, downright magical, and I knew now I would never trade what I was feeling for a beer.
“I’m here,” I told him.
Ta
My fingers tightened along the back of his neck as I pressed my hips against him. He groaned into my mouth, and I felt his reaction swell against my belly. I slid my other hand down his chest and pulled on his shirt, a silent plea that was answered by Ta
“Are you sure?” he asked, his gaze searching mine. “Are you ready for this?”
Ta
Until I realized through the weekly sessions that yes, I had used sex to not deal with things. That had also sucked, understanding just how deeply my illness had penetrated every facet of my life, but I wanted to get better. I wanted to be better, so I followed the rules, and even though I’d been more or less cleared for sexual fun stuff weeks ago, I had held off. Ta
But damn, it had been hard. The tension, the chemistry was always there between us, and denying it was torture even though I hadn’t been ready to go there.
I was ready now.
“Yes.” And to prove my word, I reached down and cupped him through his trousers. He was hard and thick, straining the material. “I’m ready. Like, way past ready.”
His eyes closed as he shuddered and when he spoke, his voice was rough. “We can wait—”
I squeezed him through his pants and arched a brow.
“Fuck. Okay. You’re ready.”
His mouth smothered my giggle. The kiss that time was not sweet or slow. His mouth dominated mine and set fire to my blood. He backed me up as his hands coasted down my sides, balling around the material of my blouse. Not having time for buttons, he pulled the thin material up over my head while I started to pull off his shirt. We broke apart long enough for him to strip, and dear Lord, I’d never seen someone get their clothes off that fast, even though he’d forgotten to take his shoes off first and got hung up on that for a moment. I didn’t waste time as he undressed. With trembling hands, I undid the zipper on my pants and dragged them down, taking my panties along with them. By the time I straightened, Ta
There would be time later for a slow seduction, because I was really looking forward to Ta
Then his hands and mouth were all over me, kissing and licking, nipping and tasting. I grew impossibly damp and he became so much harder. We stopped long enough for him to grab protection, and then he shoved his hands under my arms, lifting me up and tossing me on the bed.
I laughed as I bounced, and he came up and over me, his mouth claiming mine as he reached between us, guiding his erection. His hips thrust forward and I nearly exploded right then. He started moving, pumping in and out, and I tilted my hips up, wrapping my legs around his waist, taking him in as far as he could go.
Our mouths were greedy for one another, our bodies not easily sated. We clamored for one another, oblivious to the rattle of the headboard against the wall, fully focused on each other’s sighs and groans.
Tension coiled tight when his large hand curved around my cheek in such a tender, gentle grip completely at odds with the surges of his hips. “I love you,” he gasped out, his voice guttural. “I fucking love you.”
I tightened all around him, breaking apart as I said those words back to him, over and over, until his hips grinding against mine stilled and he gave a hoarse shout as he came. I was spi
Afterward, we lay together, our arms and legs tangled, my cheek resting on his chest. There was no need for words, not when his hand trailed up and down my back lazily. Not when the last words we’d spoken to one another were ones of love.
Quiet moments could still be really tough, but they weren’t all bad. A sleepy smile stretched my lips. Nope. Sometimes those quiet moments could be heaven.