Love, in English

As much as it was breaking my heart to stay there with everyone, my heart deserved to be with Mateo. When I couldn’t take anymore, I went over to him by the door where he was making polite conversation with Ed and Jorge.

“You wanted me to tell you more about the stars,” I said brightly to Mateo.

He suppressed a smile and nodded at Jorge and Ed. “If you’ll excuse me, gentlemen.”

We walked together into the dark of night then disappeared into the dark of my bedroom.

We collapsed onto the bed, our passion untempered by our sorrow, our mouths and hands seeking pleasure and joy, getting what we could from each other. I put all tears aside, all thoughts aside, and decided to just exist. We were pure, primal sex.

“Are you seeing stars yet?” I asked as he slid in and out of me, his thumb rubbing my clit in slow, building strokes.

“Only you,” he moaned in my ear. “My Estrella.”

Hours later, when we were finally satisfied, our bodies sweating and exhausted and overrun by the day, we settled under the blankets. I put my head on the crook of his arm, my fingers teasing the soft treasure trail of hair that led down toward his beautiful but overworked dick. I tried to live in the moment but the moment was passing us like the hands on a clock, and I knew that tomorrow night I wouldn’t be doing this; I would be sleeping on a plane.

I wouldn’t ever have this, this exact same wonderful thing, ever again.

The tears started flowing again, silently and steadily, until a sob escaped me. I was wrecked through and through.

Mateo gently kissed my tears away and brought me into his chest, his strong arms encompassing me. I could hear his heart beating loudly, smell his scent of ocean and musk. His rubbed his hand along my back and kissed the top of my head.

“There will be nights where you will feel alone and lost,” he murmured into my hair. “Where I will feel alone and lost. When that happens, I want us both to remember this, right now. Bring our thoughts back to this room, this moment. Where we aren’t lonely. Where we are both found.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat. “I hope it will be enough.”

“It will never be enough,” he said.

I drifted off to sleep in his arms.

The dry countryside rolled past the window, golden fields speckled with old stone barns and crumbling walls. Little by little, there were more gas stations, more houses, more yards, more fences. More traffic, more people, more concrete. The city of Madrid was getting closer and my love and life were getting further away.

I was at the very back of the bus, my head on Mateo’s shoulder. I had realized no one cared about anyone else anymore. Everyone on the bus, every Anglo, every Spaniard was either trying to deal with their own emotional distress or their own raging hangover. Some people, like tear-streaked Eduardo who had already puked into a bag, seemed to be dealing with both. The Spaniards were so passionate, wearing their emotions on their sleeve. I was going to miss that about them.

There was nothing I wouldn’t miss.

That morning, Mateo and I crawled out of bed and missed breakfast because we both had to pack. There was barely even any time for that. By ten o’clock, we were all piling into the bus and looking at Las Palabras for the last time. Well, unless we returned again. But even Becca had shining eyes—each time she came here, she was faced with saying goodbye again and again. I could come back to Las Palabras, too. But there would only be new people to miss.

And there wouldn’t be Mateo Casalles.

When we got closer to the city, the driver, Manolo, decided to put on the radio to try and perk people up. Unfortunately, Lana Del Rey’s “Summertime Sadness” came on. Totally not the right song for this bus.

“Kiss me hard before you go,” her dulcet voice sang. The lyrics were too real, hitting too close to home, the strings cutting deep. Tears were falling again from my eyes, another dam bursting.

I stood up. “Turn this sad shit off!” I yelled down the bus at Manolo, then sat back down in a huff. I think someone clapped. The radio went off and all you could hear were sniffles all around.

I could hear Mateo chuckle softly. I raised my head to look at him, hoping I hadn’t soaked his suit jacket too much. “What?” I asked.

“I’m going to miss your fire,” he said with a small smile.

Soon the bus was making its way down past a university and into the crowded, bustling, hot summer streets of the city. Traffic was swallowing us, and even though it could mean I would miss my plane, I relished each second we were at a standstill, like we were granted extra moments to steal away and put in our pocket.

Eventually though, we were moving again.

Time slipped by with each turn of the wheel. Panic slipped its claws into me, around my fragile neck. There would be no second chances.

I made sure no one was looking back at us. I quickly grabbed Mateo’s rough jaw and put my lips on his. A hard, closed-mouth kiss in which I could barely breathe. A tear flowed down my cheek and crept through the cusp of our lips. Salt and sadness.

I pulled back, my hand still on his jaw, trying to tell him everything I could before I wouldn’t have a chance. His eyes were wet and glossy, trying to tell me the same thing. We stared at each other like that until the bus pulled to a stop in front of the familiar entrance of the Las Palabras office.

We were here.

The month was over.

Everything was over.

We got off the bus and got our bags, and everyone went through the long process of officially saying goodbye to each other. Some people, like Dave and Polly and Becca, had time to kill and headed off to the bar for lunch. Others did a quick nod and hurried off to their loved ones who had come to pick us up. A few, like me and Mateo and Claudia and Ricardo, lingered around the bus. Only, they were more or less already home. Ricardo would go to Claudia’s apartment, Mateo would go to his house. I didn’t quite know where that was, but I knew who would be waiting for him.

And I was going home. I kind of wanted to die.

“When is your flight?” Claudia asked gently.

I talked through the pain. “In about two hours or so. Which means I guess I better get a cab, pronto.”

Mateo walked to the roadside and did that two-fingered whistle that nearly blew out your eardrums. When he walked back to me, he said, “Speaking of Spanish, I guess I never did teach you all the bad words.”

“Puta cona, vete a la mierda, punta, tonta, bastardo, pendajo, chinga tu madre,” Ricardo gleefully rattled off.

“Ricardo!” Claudia admonished him, smacking him on the chest.

I somehow managed to laugh, but it sounded like a hollow mask, a temporary band-aid. Then the cab pulled up to the curb and Mateo quickly gestured to the driver to wait a minute.

And there you had it.

This was it. This was the end.

Holy fuck.

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

I’d never be ready to say goodbye.

I stood there, looking at these three people in shock, afraid that if I moved, it would end. If I just stood there forever on that busy Madrid street full of workers heading to lunch, I wouldn’t have to say goodbye. We could just keep going and I could keep being happy, keeping feeling understood and loved. If I kept standing there, I’d never have to feel alone again.

Claudia came to me first, bringing me into a hug. She hugged hard and pulled away, smoothing the hair on my head, a waning smile on her lips. “You write to me, you text me, every day. Facebook, phone calls, I don’t care. I love you, girl.”

I clenched my jaw, trying to keep it together. I could only nod and try to smile. My eyes burned.

Ricardo came next. He didn’t say anything. He gave me two pecks on each cheek, patted me on the back, and that was it. But I caught a tear in his eye and that was enough to set my chin trembling.