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Ha
I mumbled, “Nobody,” but my cheeks got hot and probably red like an unfortunate truth meter.
Ha
I didn’t want to risk losing my new friends, so I said, “Oh. Um, I think his name is Sky.”
Ha
“What do you mean?” I asked.
Ha
Natalie hit her shoulder. “Ha
“What?” she said. “I didn’t mean I’m go
I blushed again. I mumbled that he wasn’t.
Ha
When I glanced back, he still was.
I realized then that this could be who I am. Right there, with the cement burning my legs under the middle school jeans I’d cut off this morning, short enough that they would pass the longer-than-your-fingertips test only if I shrugged up my shoulders, and May’s silver-white shirt that shimmered in the light.
It was as if an invisible band started playing the sound track to a new life. I heard you. I wondered if this was how May felt when she was in high school. It must have been, because it was her music. All the songs we’d listened to together, playing at once. The world she’d disappeared into was here. I looked up from my blush, away from Sky, whose eyes were still on me, and turned to Natalie and Ha
Yours,
Laurel
Dear Kurt,
May’s clothes must have worked like magic, because since I started wearing them, things have been happening. I sat with Natalie and Ha
He said, “Hey. What’s up?” His voice sounded like gravel turning to grains of sugar.
I started thinking of how to answer. I know that “What’s up?” is just something people say, but it’s a very hard thing to say anything back to. It’s like the only response is “nothing.” I didn’t want to say “nothing” because, actually, a lot was up.
Instead I said, “I saw you the other day.” Each word felt like its own stone, falling to the bottom of a lake.
He nodded, his head tilted a little. Like he was trying to figure out what I was.
“I’m Laurel,” I added.
“Sky.” He smiled.
I was about to say I know, but thought better of it. When my eyes finally focused, I saw he was wearing a Nirvana tee shirt. This seemed perfect. So I said, “I love Kurt Cobain.”
“Yeah? What’s your favorite album?”
“In Utero.”
“Right on. Everyone says Nevermind. That is, everyone who doesn’t really listen.”
I smiled and scrambled in my head to keep the conversation going. “Yeah. I really like how he’s … how Kurt sounds like, like he’s exploding from inside.” I couldn’t actually believe I said that.
But Sky nodded, like he knew what I was talking about. And that’s when I suddenly realized that he was looking at me like he wanted to touch me. I tugged on May’s tight orange shirt. My skin was burning. I had to get away before I broke out in flame.
“I’m just going to Bio.”
“’K,” Sky said. “Maybe I’ll see you around.”
I nodded and walked away, my heart pounding. I told myself not to turn around. But I did. And his eyes were still on me. I felt something spark—the mystery of what he saw when he looked at me.
In class, while Mr. Smith was talking about covalent bonding, I kept replaying it and noticing new things each time. Like the way one of Sky’s sleeves was a little bit turned up over his arm. How the hairs on his biceps were standing up. The freckle on his eyelid. I thought of what Ha
Yours,
Laurel
Dear Amy Winehouse,
I remember one night after May got back from sneaking out, she came into my room and lay on my bed and whispered, “You have to hear this song!” She put her earbuds in my ear, and as she fell back against the pillow, I heard your voice for the first time. I go back to black, you sang. The swinging rhythms of the song sounded bright, but there was a hurt in your voice under its honey—although it’s not as simple as that, really. You had a way of singing that could mix together so many feelings. And I could tell that the words you sang came out of the real you. That they were true.
It turns out my new friend Ha
Ha
She’s the sort of girl who guys fall in love with, but she doesn’t act like a pretty girl. She acts like she’s trying to find a way out of herself. She always has at least one boyfriend, sometimes two at once.
Ha
When Ha
“What’s ‘it’?” I asked.
Ha
Ha