Love Letters to the Dead

“So that’s why you talked to me that first day. That’s why you wanted to be with me. Because I was the next best thing.”

“No,” Sky said. “No, Laurel, it’s not like that. I mean, of course I thought about May at first. But then I didn’t. It’s you I was in love with. You’re actually … you’re so different from her.”

I shrugged. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter now.”

I started walking away, toward the parking lot. “Wait. Laurel!” Sky called, but I didn’t let myself look over my shoulder. And he didn’t follow me.

When I got home, I went into my room and I put on “Rehab” and turned up the volume. I tried to shout along, “No, no, no,” but I couldn’t stop thinking about the irony of it. Amy, you were saying I am who I am. Don’t tell me what to do. But now you’re dead. Nobody did anything about it. You wouldn’t go. You wouldn’t get better. Happy in love, tripping on the stage, and we loved you for being yourself, but we let you go.

I shut off the music and the room got quiet. I tried to shake Sky’s voice out of my head, but I couldn’t get rid of it, no matter what I did. I kept hearing him telling me that both of the things I was afraid of were true—May felt shattered, too, and I’ll never be as good or as beautiful as her.

After Dad went to bed tonight, I knew I couldn’t sleep. I snuck some Scotch out of his liquor cabinet. I’ve never been drunk before without Natalie and Ha

When things started to spin, I lay down and put on Back to Black again and listened to you sing the whole thing from the begi

Yours,

Laurel

Dear Kurt,

I’m really sorry about the poster and about everything. But I need to talk to you. Since I got in the fight with Sky last week, everything has felt terrible. Then tonight, Ha

Ha

But Kasey said, “She’s with me. And if you can’t deal with that, we can take this outside.” He was trying to be super tough for Ha

Ha

Jason seemed like he was about to punch Kasey, but then one of Jason’s buddies said, “Who gives a shit about that douche bag? Let’s not waste the opportunity to drink some free beer.” So that’s what they did.

Ha

I found a corner and tried to look absorbed in things, examining the sheen on the leaves of a houseplant, which was browning at the top, and inspecting the loose threads in the curtain. The party was a carnival of so many people, laughing and bouncing and blaring. It seemed everyone knew their place in it, but I was in the mood where I would rather be alone and look at the houseplants. Part of me kept wishing that Sky would show up, but I hated myself for even thinking about him.

Then, while I was arranging a bowl of M&M’s by their colors, this guy Teddy, one of the soccer boys who’s friends with Evan Friedman, walked up and said that I should come hang out. It was clearly just me and the M&M’s there, and I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I followed him. When I got outside, I saw Evan with some of the college guys, ex-baseball/soccer/football players, including Jason. Jason must have been really drunk, because he didn’t seem to notice me. Evan said, “Hey,” and sort of shifted back and forth from foot to foot nervously. “You look good,” he said. I looked down. I was just wearing a tee shirt and a cotton skirt, and I didn’t really agree. The world was all off its axis. I was confused about why he wanted to talk to me. A couple of the older guys nudged Evan, and he offered me some beer. The taste was like a yellow raincoat, but a dirty one. They also had caffeine pills. They said they wouldn’t do anything, hardly, except wake me up. I would rather have been asleep, honestly, totally asleep.

I shrugged. “I don’t know,” I said.

The guys kept bugging and trying to convince me. Evan said, “Come on, it’s a party.”

Then I heard one of the college guys whisper, “That’s her sister.” I shouldn’t have done it, but that’s when I grabbed the pill and took it, whatever it was, washing it down with the beer.

Soon after, I wasn’t feeling too great. Everything was starting to get fuzzy. Evan was putting his hands on me, on my back and stuff.

He whispered in my ear, “Let’s go somewhere.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I have to find my friends.” So I walked inside, and Evan followed me. As we were trying to make our way through the party, I kept asking, “Where are Natalie and Ha

I was really dizzy, and I felt like I was going to throw up. I was walking really slowly. Evan kept saying, “Let’s go.”

I said, “Wait,” because I thought maybe I really would throw up. The whole party was dizzy, so many people, too many, all heavy, all sweaty. Finally I found the bathroom, and I guess there was a line, but I skipped it and opened the door, because I was about to be sick. Then I saw them there—Natalie and Ha

They were kissing like they couldn’t get close enough. Like they wished they didn’t have bodies to keep them apart. I caught Ha

He said, “It’s okay, come in here. Lie down.”

So I did, because I didn’t know what else to do. The room we went in was dark, with bunk beds, like May and I had when we were kids. I wanted to lie on the top bunk. May always got the top. I told Evan I wanted the top, but he put me on the bottom. I kept saying, “I don’t feel good,” and he kept saying, “It’s okay,” and rubbing me all over. When I tried to sit up, he pushed me back. I was swimming through the thickest fog. Everything that was happening seemed already to have happened before. He was rubbing everywhere, under my clothes. Under my skirt. What he was doing felt all wrong. I said no, but he wouldn’t listen. All I could hear was my heartbeat and the cars outside. Evan kept doing what he was doing, and the cars got so loud, as if I were lying down on the highway. And I thought May would come in one of those cars. She would pick me up and take me away. We were going to the ocean. We were going to drive all the way there together. The waves would come and wash us over and over.