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"Listen up," she said. "Here's what's going to happen. I'm seeing my acupuncturist, I'm taking medicine, I'm still fighting this the best I can. My doctor says that at this point that's the most I can do. I refuse to put any more poison into my body or spend any more time in hospitals. This is where I want to be. With the people who matter most to me. Okay?" She looked around at us.
"Okay." We all said it, even though it was in no way, shape, or form okay. Nor would it ever be.
Susa
"Beck, if you want to be as tan as Belly, you'll need more time. That's not something you can achieve in one summer. My girl wasn't born tan; it takes years. And you're not ready yet," my mother said. She said it simply, logically.
Susa
After di
I changed into my one-piece and wrote two notes, one for Jeremiah and one for Conrad. On each of them I wrote, "Midnight swim. Meet me in ten minutes." I slid a note under each door and then ran downstairs as quick as I could with my towel streaming behind me like a flag. I couldn't let the summer end like this. We couldn't leave this house until we had one good moment, for all of us.
The house was dark, and I made my way outside without turning on the lights. I didn't need to. I knew it by heart.
As soon as I got outside, I dove into the pool. I didn't dive so much as belly flop. The last one of the summer, maybe ever--in this house, anyway. The moon was bright and white, and as I waited for the boys, I floated on my back counting stars and listening to the ocean. When the tide was low like this, it whispered and gurgled and it sounded like a lullaby. I wished I could stay forever, in this moment. Like in one of those plastic snowballs, one little moment frozen in time.
They came out together, Beck's boys. I guessed they'd run into each other on the stairs. They were both wearing their swimming trunks. It occurred to me that I hadn't seen Conrad in his trunks all summer, that we hadn't swum in this pool since that first day. And Jeremiah, we'd only swum in the ocean once or twice. It had been a summer with hardly any swim time, except for when I swam with Cam or when I swam alone. The thought made me feel unspeakably sad, that this could be the last summer and we'd hardly swum together at all.
"Hello," I said, still floating on my back.
Conrad dipped his toe in. "It's kind of cold to swim, isn't it?"
"Chicken," I said, squawking loudly. "Just jump in and get it over with."
They looked at each other. Then Jeremiah made a ru
We swam over to the deep end, and I treaded water to stay afloat. Conrad reached over and pushed my bangs out of my eyes. It was a tiny gesture, but Jeremiah saw, and he turned away, swam closer to the edge of the pool.
For a second I felt sad, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, it came to me. A memory, pressed in my heart like a leaf in a book. I lifted my arms in the air and twirled around in circles, like a water ballerina.
Spi
Jeremiah gri
Together, Conrad too, we all said, "For whatever we lose (like a you or a me) / it's always ourselves we find in the sea." And then there was this silence between us, and no one said anything.
It was Susa
"This might be our last summer here," I said suddenly.
"No way," Jeremiah said, floating up next to me.
"Conrad's going to college this fall, and you have football camp," I reminded him. Even though Conrad going to college and Jeremiah going to football camp for two weeks didn't really have anything to do with us not coming back next summer. I didn't say what we were all thinking, that Susa
Conrad shook his head. "It doesn't matter. We'll always come back."
Briefly I wondered if he meant just him and Jeremiah, and then he said, "All of us."
It got quiet again, and then I had an idea. "Let's make a whirlpool!" I said, clapping my hands together.
"You're such a kid," Conrad said, smiling at me and shaking his head. For the first time, it didn't bother me when he called me a kid. It felt like a compliment.
I floated out to the middle of the pool. "Come on, guys!"
They swam over to me, and we made a circle and started to run as fast as we could. "Faster!" Jeremiah yelled, laughing.
Then we stopped, let our bodies go limp and get caught in the whirlpool we'd just made. I leaned my head back and let the current carry me.
chapter forty - six
When he called, I didn't recognize his voice, partly because I wasn't expecting it and partly because I was still half-asleep. He said, "I'm in my car on my way to your house. Can I see you?"
It was twelve thirty in the morning. Boston was five and a half hours away. He had driven all night. He wanted to see me.
I told him to park down the street and I would meet him on the corner, after my mother had gone to bed. He said he'd wait.
I turned the lights off and waited by the window, watching for the taillights. As soon as I saw his car, I wanted to run outside, but I had to wait. I could hear my mother rustling around in her room, and I knew she would read in bed for at least half an hour before she fell asleep. It felt like torture, knowing he was out there waiting for me, not being able to go to him.
In the dark I put on my scarf and hat that Gra
My mother is finally asleep; the house is still and silent. Our Christmas tree is still up. We keep the lights on all night because it makes it still feel like Christmas, like any minute, Santa could show up with gifts. I don't bother leaving her a note. I'll call her in the morning, when she wakes up and wonders where I am.
I creep down the stairs, careful on the creaky step in the middle, but once I'm out of the house, I'm flying down the front steps, across the frosty lawn. It crunches along the bottoms of my sneakers. I forgot to put on my coat. I remembered the scarf and hat, but no coat.