The Summer I Turned Pretty

"Let's just watch Titanic" Cam said, taking the DVD out of its case.

We sat and watched stiffly. Everyone else busted up laughing at the part when Jack stands at the helm and says, "I'm the king of the world." I was silent. About midway through, Nicole whispered something into Conrad's ear, and the two of them stood up. "See you guys later," Conrad said.

As soon as they were gone, I hissed, "They're so disgusting. They probably went upstairs to go at it."

"Go at it? Who says 'go at it'?" Cam said, bemused.

"Shut up. Don't you think she was gross?"

"Gross? No. I think she's cute. A little too much bronzer, maybe."

I laughed in spite of myself. "Bronzer? What do you know about bronzer?"

"I have an older sister, remember," he said, smiling self-consciously. "She likes makeup. We share a bathroom."

I didn't remember Cam saying he had a sister.

"Well, anyway, she does wear too much bronzer. She's bright orange! I wonder where her Red Sox hat is," I mused.

Cam picked up the remote control and paused the movie. "Why are you so obsessed with her?"

"I'm not obsessed with her. Why would I be obsessed with her? She has no personality. She's like one of those pod people. She looks at Conrad like he's God." I knew he was judging me for being so mean, but I couldn't stop talking.

He looked at me like he wanted to say something, but he didn't. Instead he turned the movie back on.

We sat there on the couch and finished watching the movie in silence. Toward the end I heard Conrad's voice on the stairs, and without even thinking I snuggled closer to Cam. I rested my head on his shoulder.

Conrad and Nicole came back downstairs, and Conrad looked at the two of us for a second before saying, "Tell my mom I took Nicole home."

I barely looked up. "Okay."

As soon as they were gone, Cam sat straight up, and I did too. He took a breath. "Did you invite me over here to make him jealous?"

"Who?" I said.

"You know who. Conrad."

I could feel a flush rising up my chest and all the way to my cheeks. "No." It seemed like everybody was wanting to know where things stood with Conrad and me.

"Do you still like him?"

"No."

He let out a breath of air. "See, you hesitated." "No, I didn't!"

Did I? Had I? I was sure I hadn't. To Cam I said, "When I look at Conrad, all I feel is disgust."

I could tell he didn't believe it. I didn't either. Because the truth was, when I looked at Conrad, all I felt was a yearning that never went away. It was the same as it had always been. Here I had this really great guy who actually liked me, and deep down inside I was still hung up on Conrad. There, that was the real truth. I had never really let go. I was just like Rose on that stupid makeshift raft.

Cam cleared his throat and said, "You're leaving soon. Do you want to keep in touch?"

I hadn't thought about that. He was right, the summer was almost over. Pretty soon I would be home again. "Um ... do you?"

"Well, yeah. I do."

He looked at me like he was expecting something, and I couldn't figure out what it was for a few seconds. Then I said, "Me too. I do too." But it came too late. Cam took his cell phone out of his pocket and said he'd better get going. I didn't argue.

 chapter forty

We finally had our movie night. My mother, Susa

Halfway through Notorious, her most favorite of all, Susa

Jeremiah, nodded quickly, and Susa

My mother got up too, stretching. "I'm exhausted. Are you going to bed, too, Belly?"

"Not yet. I think I'll clean up down here first," I said.

"Good girl," she said, winking at me, and then she headed upstairs.

I started picking up the taffy wrappers and a few kernels that had fallen onto the carpet.

Jeremiah came back down when I was putting the movie into its case. He sank into the couch cushions. "Let's not go to sleep yet," he said, looking up at me.

"Okay. Do you wa

"Nah. Let's just watch TV." He picked up the remote and started flipping through cha

Sitting back down, I sighed a little. "I don't know. He hasn't called, and I haven't called him. The summer's almost over. I'll probably never see him again."

He didn't look at me when he said, "Do you want to? See him again?"

"I don't know. . . . I'm not sure. Maybe. Maybe not."

Jeremiah put the TV on mute. He turned and looked at me then. "I don't think he's the guy for you." His eyes looked somber. I'd never seen him look so somber.

Lightly I said, "Yeah, I doubt it too."

"Belly . . . ," he began. He took a deep breath of air and puffed up his cheeks, and then he blew it out so hard the hair on his forehead fluttered. I could feel my heart start to pound--something was going to happen. He was going to say something I didn't want to hear. He was going to go and change everything.

I opened my mouth to speak, to interrupt him before he said something he couldn't take back, and he shook his head. "Just let me get this out."

He took another deep breath. "You've always been my best friend. But now it's more. I see you as more than that." He continued, scooting closer to me. "You're cooler than any other girl I've ever met, and you're there for me. You've always been there for me. I ... I can count on you. And you can count on me too. You know that."

I nodded. I could hear him talking, see his lips moving, but my mind was working a million miles a minute. This was Jeremiah. My buddy, my best pal. Practically my brother. The hugeness of it all made it hard to breathe. I could barely look at him. Because I didn't. I didn't see him that way. There was only one person. For me that person was Conrad.

"And I know you've always liked Conrad, but you're over him now, right?" His eyes looked so hopeful, it killed me, killed me to not answer him the way he wanted me to.

"I ... I don't know," I whispered.

He sucked in his breath, the way he did when he was frustrated. "But why? He doesn't see you that way. I do."

I could feel my eyes starting to tear up, which wasn't fair. I couldn't cry. It was just that he was right. Conrad didn't see me that way. I only wished I could see Jeremiah the way he saw me. "I know. I wish I didn't. But I do. I still do."

Jeremiah moved away from me. He wouldn't look at me; his eyes looked everywhere but at mine. "He'll only end up hurting you," he said, and his voice cracked.