Where It Began

XXXI

AS SOON AS BILLY LEAVES, VIVIAN, WHO WAS apparently only at Neiman’s in her new role as Highly Organized Mother, shows up, her shoes clunking around the kitchen floor overhead and then down the stairs, waving her BlackBerry in a new, snazzy Prada case.

“You’re not doing laundry, are you?” she says.

Unlikely, given that teaching me things like how to work a washing machine and cook food beyond microwaving California Pizza Kitchen frozen pizzas is not on the list. If there is ever a national emergency so severe there’s no takeout or housekeepers, I am going to starve to death in smelly clothes.

“I’m looking for my good jeans,” I say, pretending to rub my neck at the relevant spot.

“No jeans,” she says. “We’re going to Isabelle Frost. She’s the social worker. I put your clothes on the bed.”

“I can dress myself, you know. As God is my witness, I can put a skirt and blouse together.”

Vivian does not look convinced. “I was thinking French schoolgirl, not Scarlett O’Hara,” she says. Which should at least preclude the matted Amish sweater and the six-inch pleated skirt. Which, for reasons clear only to Vivian and some unscrupulous salesgirl dying to unload the Neiman buyer’s more heinous mistakes, involves black linen pants with a waist so high it threatens to meet the underwire of my bra and a tan silk shirt with cuff links.

Think a fu

“I am so not tucking this blouse into these pants. I’ll look ridiculous.”

Oh yes I am.

I am wearing the outfit with a pair of Vivian’s ugly Coach flats, and I am getting into the car with Vivian and John, who has somehow been suckered into wearing a navy blazer with the family crest subtly embroidered on the pocket. We look like a complete joke.

But not as big a joke as Isabelle Frost, social worker to the rich and infamous.

Billy wants me to read my helpful professionals and figure out what they want and give it to them, but it is hard to tell if Isabelle Frost is Botoxed to the point that it limits all forms of facial expression or if she is just trying to look extra stern.

After about five seconds, it’s obvious she thinks that I’m some poor depressed alcoholic girl with bad self-esteem craving liquor to drown her alcoholic sorrows.

And she wants me to know that she totally and completely understands poor depressed alcoholic girls such as myself because she had exactly the same Problem when she was addicted to prescription pain pills following an unfortunate series of surgical procedures that you have to assume involved sucking all the fat out of her body and inserting Teflon in places it is embarrassing to look at unless the thought of armor-piercing breasts appeals to you. John would appear to be examining his fingernails, but Vivian is gazing up at her as if she knows the secret of eternal youth.

I still haven’t said anything, but after another five minutes, it is also obvious that the only way to get out of this with half a life left is to pretend to be some poor depressed girl with bad self-esteem craving liquor to drown her depressed, alcoholic sorrows.

Just like Billy said.

Isabelle Frost has a great many ideas for how I am going to—in a handy two-fer—get my Problem cured and impress the shit out of the Probation Department, with which she is going to personally interface. (Interface? Lobby? Bribe? Blackmail? Threaten? Wave a tiny photo of Agnes Nash in the form of a cross? It’s difficult to visualize exactly how this is supposed to work.)

“What Mr. Healy wants me to make sure of,” Ms. Frost says in between fits of pretending to understand me so so well, her speech slightly slurred because her lips have a limited range of motion and seem to pucker spasmodically all on their own, “is that we have you all set up before the Probation Department even knows your name. They’ll see how you’ve taken responsibility for your Problem and cleaned up your act and you’ve self-procured treatment and your family is straight out of Leave It to Beaver and bingo!”

Bingo?

My mother, by this point, is pacing around Ms. Frost’s office picking up and putting down knick-knacks and shredding the tissues. My dad is sitting there stone-still, his eyes half-closed, so you can’t tell whether he’s super-upset or asleep.

“Absolutely,” Vivian keeps repeating. “Of course we can get Gabby treatment! Of course she’s not out of control! Of course Gabby can take responsibility for her Problem, can’t you, Gabby?”

She is blissfully unaware of what I have to say to fake out everybody, how I have to deny my so-called Problem.

“Sure,” I say, really hoping that Billy knows what he’s talking about because I am about to launch. Frosty looks up to see where the voice is coming from, given that I haven’t said anything, not one single word including hello, for the past forty-five minutes. “Only I’m not sure I have a Problem. Are you sure I have a Problem?”

Billy is completely right.

Ms. Frost is so overjoyed that I am sitting there semi-denying the Problem while remaining open to learning all about said Problem, you can almost discern the faint suggestion of a smile at the corners of her Botox-frozen, twitching mouth. Billy is a complete Get Out of Jail Free meister.

Of course I don’t appreciate the Problem and that is why all these helpful professionals are going to help me appreciate and come to grips with it! Preferably before the Department of Probation helps me appreciate and come to grips with it in desert rehab in Arizona.

All I am thinking is: How do I get out of this and get back to Winston and get back with Billy? Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Tell me what to say and I’ll say it.

All Vivian is thinking is: Winston School! Tell me what to do to keep her from getting booted out of Winston School and destroying her chance of attending the sub-regular college of her choice and I’ll do it!

It is hard to tell what my dad is thinking since, even without the Botox, he is almost as poker-faced as Ms. Frost. “Of course we have a stable home life,” he’s murmuring, his eyes still partly closed. “Of course we know where she is at all times. Of course we don’t sanction underage drinking.”

Probably he’s thinking: Does this place have a bar?

Or maybe: How soon can I get back to Bel Air where we have a bar and several well-stocked mini-fridges?

The sooner he can get back to a pitcher of margaritas, the sooner he can forget how Winston might hold it against me that I’m a drunken felon car thief, thereby stripping him of any slim claim to status that I had ever offered. Except for my increasingly tenuous co

All I can think about is Billy. How I need to see him and not just to make out to the point of frustration on top of a washing machine and hiding out behind abandoned houses. How I need to see him all the time and I need to make him want me again. How I need to be at Winston even though Ms. Frost says to avoid him and all other cute bad boys—if I am at Winston and he is at Winston, what are they going to do, put us in handcuffs if we make eye contact?

Winston School!

For once Vivian and John and I are in perfect agreement.

Only I have to survive the black hole of the legal system first.

XXXII

THE THING ABOUT FALLING INTO THE LEGAL SYSTEM is that even if you aren’t ready for it; even if you don’t want to deal with it; even if you need to crawl back onto your space-raft bed and float in a gray-green sky; even if you wish you could get your behind-the-eyes documentary going again instead of being stuck with your actual, real life; even if you reach the absolute limits of positive thinking and there’s not a single nice thing you can think of to say to yourself that you actually believe, you still can’t make it stop.