Animate Me

Dad frowns. Something occurs to me.

“You know what though? I think I’m bigger. I mean I think my, well you know…” I point down at my crotch.

“Your penis?” Dad questions matter of fact, like I’m comparing beaker tubes in a lab.

I take a deep breath. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure my penis is much bigger than his. Brooke only had regular sized condoms at her place which wouldn’t fit me.”

He finally grins with this victory. “Well, you are an Evans, Son. Besides, statistics show that well-endowed men have greater success securing their desired mate. Take my word for it; that’s a definite asset.”

Okay then. Finally, one for the home team.

“So while we are on that subject, how about sexual prowess?” he asks.

“Well that’s like comparing Pee Wee Herman to Warren Beatty in his day.”

He coughs. I’m impressed that Dad can keep a straight face.

“Sharing common interests with Brooke?”

“I think I win there, hands down. I don’t even think Arnold likes cartoons.”

“Okay, that’s good. And finally, some of the most significant attributes…personality? List five qualities each.”

“Devoted, determined, awkward, inexperienced, hopeful…versus powerful, pseudo-charming, confident, persuasive…ASSHOLE.”

He pulls the car over and takes the pad out of my hand. “Okay, let me review and summarize.” He studies the two columns, his brow furrowed in concentration. He sets the pad on the console and turns towards me.

“You two couldn’t be more different. Brooke must be terribly confused. Here she’s with this Arnold person for how long did you say?”

“Three years.”

“Yes, and then you come along and seismically impact her world.” He taps the pencil down the list. “You are young, inexperienced, less successful, less attractive…”

“Thanks Dad, I’m feeling like a million bucks right about now.”

“Let me finish, Nathan. What I was trying to say is that despite all of these shortcomings, she’s undeniably drawn to you. There must be an extremely powerful chemistry between you.”

I nod enthusiastically.

“And you love her.”

“With all my heart.”

“Well then prove to her that you can be strong and confident too. Even the most successful women want to know that you can be their equal. You can do it, Son. Just think, you are about to make a deal with your comic book that could lead to significant life-altering success. You’re the most defiantly determined person I know. Your entire life I’ve watched you single-mindedly and tenaciously go after anything you really wanted.”

I nod. He’s right. Once I set my mind to something I can never give up until I achieve what I want, or get what I need. And I want Brooke. I need Brooke.

“Most importantly you need to claim her, as man has claimed his woman throughout the ages. This is not rocket science, Son; it’s human primal instinct. Make her understand that she should be with you…quite simply, she is your chosen mate. You need to be hers. We’re a highly developed society, but in the end we’re all animals. And it’s still a jungle out there.”

I smile as I picture Brooke and I as Simba and Nala from the Lion King, ru

He lifts up the pad, and waves his hand over my writing as he continues.

“And all of the scientific data, statistical facts and empirical evidence can’t compete with the indefinable heart’s desire. For if in the end, she loves you, and she chooses you…none of the rest of this will matter.”

He tears the sheet off the pad, wads it up and tosses it in the back seat.

Stu

Before he moves back into traffic he gives me a firm nod. “Looks like you’ve got some serious wooing to do.”

Happily my Mini-Cooper is waiting patiently for me when we pull into the deserted lot, the lone surviving soldier from my hellish night. I give Dad one of our awkward hugs and thank him for not just the ride, but also his advice. He looks pleased that his pep talk seems to have inspired me.

When I get home, I fire up my computer. My task is very specific as I get on the internet, my fingers flying over the keyboard.

Google search: definition of woo

Results: Woo: To seek the affection of with intent to romance.

I return to the Google page looking for another form of help. I type in How to Woo a Girl. The results flash in a mere second, and fifth item down, I find just what I’m looking for on WikiAnswers.

How to Woo A Girl

The list starts out rather uninspiring. I was hoping for magic potions, spells or at least instructions as to where I can buy pheromones to physically draw her to me like a huge magnet that never releases its hold.

Show interest…look in her eyes when you speak to her…be sensitive and caring…be assertive, and lead…yeah, yeah, yeah

I scan further down. What’s this?

Whisper in her ear… That’s weird, but certainly easy. Do they mean all the time? That would be ridiculous. I continue on.

Dress nicely… Shoot, not with the clothes again.

Be nice to your young relatives in front of her… I don’t have any young relatives. Maybe I could borrow some? Shit, this stuff is complicated.

Help others in front of her, like the poor and needy…

Make her laugh… I’m assuming not when you’re helping the poor and needy.

For holidays like Valentine’s Day be sweet and thoughtful instead of cliché…

blah, blah, blah

Don’t be overtly sexual…well, it’s too late for that one.

Learn to dance, take ballroom dancing lessons…seriously? That has disaster written all over it.

Be spontaneous!

And finally, take the first step. If you’re ever going to win the prize you have to tell the prize you want it.

Now that makes be most sense to me of all the suggestions.

Wow. There are so many things to consider that my head’s spi

I read the list three times, jotting down ideas on note cards. I then tape up everything on my bathroom mirror so that I can review the suggestions often. The last card I wrote I hang in the most prominent location, right at eye level:

If you’re going to ever win the prize, you’ve got to tell the prize you want it.

I take a deep breath and nod at my reflection. It’s time.

While I still have the nerve, I march out to the kitchen and grab my phone, then quickly dial Brooke’s number. I’m frustrated when her phone goes directly to voicemail, but I attempt to leave a message anyway.

Hey Brooke, it’s Nathan. I’d like to take you to di