Animate Me

Maybe I should go pick a fight with Joel now because clearly my life isn’t quite complicated enough, and he’s the only key person I haven’t offended this week. I lower my head and stumble back to my cube.

Four twenty-five. I hold the warm cup in my hand with my marker poised in the air. What to draw? What to say?

I finally settle on Hefty Smurf scratching his head confused, while his intended conquest, Smurfette’s head is peeking out from where she is hiding behind the Starbucks logo. I do the whole thing in a blue marker.

I give myself a pep talk and slowly head upstairs, praying that Brooke is in a meeting. I approach Morgan’s desk warily, looking past her to see if Brooke is in her office. My stomach falls when I see that she is, but then a wave of relief hits me when I realize that she’s on the phone.

Making a split-second decision, I set the drink in front of Morgan.

“Hey, Morgan, I see that Brooke’s on the phone and I don’t want to interrupt her. Could you just give this to her.”

She stands up and takes the drink. “Actually she told me to interrupt her when you came by.”

“No, that’s okay. Don’t interrupt her,” I say as I take steps backwards, then turn to head towards the elevator. Of course this is one of those days where both cars are on the bottom floor and don’t appear to be going anywhere. I squint and look up, searching the halls for an exit or stairs sign.

“Nathan?”

I push my glasses up my nose and turn slowly to see Brooke standing with her hands on her hips. Her body language looks angry but her eyes look sad.

“Can you come with me please?”

I nod and follow her silently. She’s wearing heels and one of those tight business-y skirts that showcases her magnificent bottom. The sway of her hips with each step hypnotizes me all the way back until I’m in a trance by the time we’re in her office with the door closed.

She turns towards me. “Morgan said you practically threw my drink down and ran down the hall. What’s going on?”

I want to cover my face with my hands, but I can’t hide from Brooke. She doesn’t deserve that. I study the Iron Giant poster for a minute to think about what I can say.

“I’m just so embarrassed, Brooke. You know things about me now that no one else knows. And as okay as it felt Friday when I was drunk, now I’m just horrified that I told you all of those really personal things.”

“So you are horrified and don’t want to see me because I know you’ve had a disappointing sexual history?”

She whispered the question but it’s like she’s screamed in my ear. I nod, muted from the weight of that sober confession.

“Does that mean you don’t want to be friends anymore? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?” I look up and see her sad eyes are now veiled with hurt.

“Maybe we shouldn’t be friends.” I admit. “It’s so unbalanced. You’re helping me and what do I do for you besides the computer stuff? What do I bring to the friendship? I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. It makes me feel like a bigger loser than I already am.”

“You’re not a loser, Nathan,” she insists, but I can hear the defeat in her voice. She lets out a long sigh and sinks into her desk chair before putting her face in her hands and leaning forward over her desk. “I knew this would happen,” she mumbles.

I notice a sophisticated arrangement of flowers on her desk. All kinds of fancy flowers: roses, lilies, stuff that girls like…stuff that I would’ve never given Brooke. My heart shrinks a bit more and I know I can never compete for her with guys like Arnold.

“Are those from Arnold?”

I notice the corners of her mouth turn up slightly when she hears me use his real name. She nods, silently watching me.

“Did you make up?”

“He spoiled me all weekend to make up for his mistake…di

Her tone is weird. I’m not sure if his gestures did the trick or not.

“They’re very nice. Well, that’s good. You should be spoiled,” I say quietly.

“But we really aren’t going to be friends anymore? Is that really it, Nathan?”

“I guess not.”

“I’m an idiot,” she says, leaning her head on her hand, her elbow resting across a tall pile of business papers. “I should’ve never touched you. I pushed things too far and I worried about it all weekend. That was wrong of me. I care about you, and I like being close to you; that’s where my intentions were. I didn’t want to upset you. I hope you understand that.”

“Of course, I do.”

“But I was wrong. I’m sorry I touched you. Please just forget it ever happened.”

“Brooke…” I stammer.

“It’s okay. I won’t bother you anymore. Let’s just say goodbye now.” She stands and walks to the door and opens it without looking at me.

“Brooke…”

“Please, Nathan.”

Oh, I have really screwed up now.

“Okay, bye.”

The door closes softly behind me.

Morgan doesn’t even turn around.

I walk mechanically to the elevator like a wind-up toy. I’m in my car and half way home before it hits me that I’m supposed to be going over the upcoming storyboards with Joel right now. I walked out of the building and left my iPod on my desk and computer open.

I don’t even hesitate. I can’t care about any of that, and I keep driving. I just blew my one chance for true love, and it’s taking all my focus to get myself safely home. Even if I could have Wayne’s wise words fill my head, and some whiskey fill my unquenchable thirst, it still wouldn’t do a thing for the hole I just blasted in my heart.

The next morning, everything is grey, and I feel dead inside but I do my damndest to get to the studio and catch up on my work. I don’t want Joel to think I’m dropping the ball, on top of everything else.

Right before noon I sense someone looking at me and I glance up to see Nick waiting in my doorway. He looks very intense.

“Got a minute?” he asks.

“Sure.” I slowly pull out my earbuds and pause my iPod. “What’s up?”

“So what’s going on with you and Dani?” He folds his arms over his chest and watches me carefully.

The direct approach…I gotta hand it to Nick, that’s pretty effective. I can’t believe his timing, but I suck it up because I know I should’ve faced him already.

“We went out Saturday. Does that bother you? I didn’t think you’d mind since you aren’t into her anymore.”

“How do you know what I’m into?”

“Well, I presumed. It’s been a long time since you were together. Dani doesn’t think you like her anymore either. She told me that.”

“Is that so?”

“I’m just surprised that you didn’t ask me first. I thought we were friends.”

“We are friends. I’m sorry, you’re right, I should’ve said something. You looked pissed off that night we all went out.”

He watches me for a moment. “Okay, it’s cool. You’ve always been clueless.”

“So we’re still friends?”

“Yeah, you idiot.” He smiles, just slightly.

“But can I suggest something, Nick? If you do still like Dani you should try to work it out with her. You guys seem like you’re still into each other.”

“Really?” he asks with his eyebrows raised.

“I think she still loves you, dude. She’s a really great girl, you know.”

“I know,” he says quietly.

“Well, so are you going to make me fight you for her?” I grin at him and he rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, how about a duel at sunset?”

“No, a video game at lunchtime is more my speed. You pick the game.”

He suddenly gets serious. “The problem is that I don’t want to screw with her. If we get back together it’s gotta be for good—the white dress and diapers and shit. I just need to be sure that I’m ready to grow up cause right now I’m still a big, stupid kid and Dani deserves better than that.”