More Than Her

"I hate it when you do that." I could hear Amanda in the kitchen whispering. I stood frozen in the hallway, not wanting to interrupt them.

After their argument last night, the house was silent. They didn't talk. At all. Not to me or each other. I don't know if that's normal for brothers and sisters, considering I don't have any, but it was awkward as hell.

I slept in my room, in a sleeping bag, on the floor. Good times.

"Do what?" Ethan responded.

"I hate it when you put me down like that."

"How did I put you down?" He sounded pissed.

Amanda just sounded sad.

"You always make me feel like what I want to do with my life is less important than you. So what if my life goal is to be a good mom? So what if I don't want to have an epic career and make lots of money? Maybe falling in love, getting married, being happy and having a family is all I want. Maybe being a mom is enough for me."

I heard him sigh, "You're right Dim, I'm sorry. I'm an asshole."

I was still in the hallway, listening in on their conversation. I felt like I should turn around, and go back in my room. But I needed to leave for class so I was stuck.

"It's okay," she said quietly.

"No. It's not okay. You already stayed all last year. I'll just find another job."

"No," Amanda said quickly. "You get another job, you may as well quit. I'll go back home. It's fine. I'll just go back to school there."

Then it was silent.

I made sure to make a lot of noise as I entered, so they knew I was coming.

They were both in the kitchen, coffee in hands, looking at the floor.

Ethan looked up when he heard me, then to Amanda he said, "We'll work something out Dim, promise." He squeezed her arm before brushing past me and into his room.

I poured myself a coffee and stood next to her, leaning against the bench.

She hadn't raised her eyes since I'd come in; she was still staring at the floor.

I gently nudged her with my elbow. "You okay?"

Her head lifted and her eyes met mine. They were red from crying. She had tears falling but she didn't bother to hide it.

I put our coffees on the counter and pulled her into me. She didn't resist. Her face was on my chest as her arms went around me.

"What happened?" I slowly ran my fingers through her hair. I hated seeing her like this. I hated that she was sad. I hated the she felt anything bad enough to make her cry.

She inhaled deeply, then pulled back slightly to look up at me, those big blue eyes full of sadness.

And it was this moment that I knew—I knew I'd do anything at all in this entire world to make sure she'd never feel sadness again.

"I have to go home, Logan." She sniffed and wiped her nose on her arm. "I have to leave and go home."

I tensed at her words.

She can't leave.

I can't let her go.

Not again.

"You can't leave, Amanda."

She stared at me. Unblinking.

A million emotions ran through me.

"I won't let you go." I said. "Not again." It was barely a whisper.

"Logan?" She was looking at me confused, not understanding my words.

Valid.

I don't truly understand them either.

Finally, she pulled away and started to gather her stuff.

My mind was still reeling with her news, that I wasn't focused when she said she was leaving and walked out the door.

***

I was driving to campus when I saw her waiting at the bus stop. I pulled over so fast; the car behind me nearly hit me.

"What are you doing?" I yelled out to her.

She looked up from the ground. "Huh?"

"Where are you going?"

"Class," she shrugged.

Ten minutes later pulled into a parking spot on campus. I turned the car off and faced her. She looked out the windshield, blank expression on her face.

"What happened? I mean, why do you have to go home?"

She faced me and shrugged. "It's nothing, Logan. Nothing we can actually do anything about."

Turned out she has book club with Micky and Lucy that evening, so we pla

***

She went to her room when we got home from Micky's, shutting the door behind her.

She didn't say anything on the drive home, and neither did I.

I did however, offer her my hand.

She took it.

I sat on the sofa, getting some homework done when I felt Ethan sit down next to me.

"I feel like an asshole," he said, ru

"Why?" I shut my laptop and faced him.

"For the shit I said to her yesterday. I mean, I didn't mean to say it. Not the way it came out. But it is kind of true, you know? If anyone needs to be here, it's me." He lowered his voice and looked to the hallway. I guess to make sure that Amanda couldn't hear us. "I get it—that she doesn't want to go back. And I don't even think that it's the missing out on college thing. I just—I think she doesn't want to be home—with Ma. And I think she just doesn't like to be there, with the people and the memories, I mean it happened a year and half ago, I don't—" He cut himself off before I got the chance to ask him what the hell he was talking about. "Shit," he spat. "Don't tell Dimmy I said anything. I forget sometimes that not everyone knows."

"Knows what?" I asked, confused.

"Nothing, man. Just—never mind." He put his leg up on the coffee table and started kneading his hip with his hand. "I can't fucking believe Ma got fired again."

And there it was.

"So she lost her job and that meant Amanda had to go home, and what? Work? Look after your mom?"

"Unless a miracle happens, yeah. I guess so."

***

Amanda

I'd been laying in my bed, in a dark room, for who knows how long, feeling sorry for myself, when really, things could be a lot worse.

The thing is, I just don't want to go home. I already gave up a year of my life to stay there and make sure everything was okay. I get that Ma was upset and that she lost it a little, and honestly, she had every right to.

But it was hell.

It wasn't just the schoolwork added with the full time work at a crappy diner, and then the coming home to a borderline alcoholic mom. It was also because somewhere between the day Dad walked out on us, and the night it happened, I lost myself. I lost who I was as a person and became something else. Someone weak, and stupid, and pathetic. Someone completely not me at all, and I don't want to be reminded of that.

There was a light tap on my door before Logan popped his head in, "You decent?"

It was too dark to see anything, "Uh huh."

"Dammit!" I could hear the smile in his voice, and for some reason it made me happy, and so did the fact that he was in here right now.

"What are you doing?" He moved closer to the bed.

I sat up a little. "Sitting here feeling sorry for myself. What about you?"

"Can you please turn a light on? Contrary to your obvious perception of my body, I'm not superhuman. I don't have night vision."