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I have new friends too. You would love Heidi, she loves Justin Bieber almost as much as you do. They all care about me. Like, truly care about me. They were there for me when no one else was.
It hurts to know that you’ll never have the feelings or experiences everyone should have. Like when you fall in love for the first time, or have your heart broken. You’ll never have a first kiss or the butterflies of your first date. The first time a guy holds your hand, or holds you in his arms. You’ll never know the feeling of telling someone you love them, or them telling you.
The worst thing, is that you’ll never know the feeling of falling. Falling so in love with someone, and I don’t mean love, I mean Love Love. The Mom and Dad love. The love that’s so instant and intense and easy and it feels like all the worlds forces collide and fate gives you a push and you’re there, in front of the person who’s part of you. Like, the world spins and your heart explodes and you want nothing else at all in the entire universe, as long as you can be with that one person all the time, and when you’re not, you just think about that person until your mind is consumed and it’s almost like you’re suffocating and drowning but in a good way, because it’s your love that’s all around you.
God, I can’t even begin to tell you… I just wish that you could have felt it too.
So that when you found your Jake Andrews, you would know.
You would know what it felt like to stand in front of your forever.
- Kayla
***
*Jake*
Emily, if you’re half the person your sister is, I would have loved you too.
You’re super cute. I would have had to work with your dad to beat off all of the guys in your future.
My sister Julie says that you’re one of the fu
1D are SO much better than J. Biebs.
Don’t worry about her at all. I promise to take care of her always. She’s my everything. And I love her so so much. Love, your future Brother In Law (fingers crossed).
***
*Mikayla*
“So, is there anything else you guys did for her birthday?” Jake asks, as he turns the keys in the ignition and waits for the truck to warm up.
“Not really, I mean… Megan… we used to take her for ice cream, and then the family di
“So, ice cream then?” He smiles at me, pulling me closer to him on the seat and kissing my temple.
I smile and nod.
***
“Do you miss her? Not Emily, I mean, Megan? Do you think about her?” Jake pays for our ice cream and we sit down in a booth.
I think for a second. “Yeah, you know what? I really do. I mean we were best friends since like, fifth grade. I always thought that losing her would be like losing a limb. I think eventually I would have forgiven her, like I have James. But I don’t think I could now, I mean, where the hell has she been? Not one phone call, no texts, Facebook, email, nothing. Even when my family died. Nothing.”
“Did you ask James? I mean, about her, why she wasn’t there?” he asks.
“No, I don’t think there really is a suitable reason. Do you?”
“Not a single one.”
***
As we’re driving back home, I see a rental sign in front of an apartment block and get Jake to stop so I can take a look around.
By now I’ve saved up enough money for security and first months rent. The location is good, it’s close enough to campus I can catch a bus and soon I’ll hopefully have a car. The apartment itself is pretty awful but with some furniture and decent decorating I might be able to make it my home. It makes Jake's house look like a 5 star hotel.
***
We ended up leaving early in the morning to go to the cemetery, then spent most of the day at Jake’s parents. The two hour drive there, and then back, has us beat, so as soon as we get home we crash in bed.
We’ve spent every night in Jake's bed since the frat party. He still won’t kiss me and I don’t know why. When I get out of the bathroom he’s sitting up in bed, shirtless, blankets bunched at his waist.
I get in under the covers, head on my pillow, and look up at him.
He looks down at me and smiles. But it’s a sad smile.
I try to smile back, but there’s hurt in his eyes that I’m trying to decipher. So I just stare at him and he stares back. It seems like the longest time, us trying to communicate without talking.
I don’t know what he’s thinking.
I know it’s not good.
And I almost don’t want to know.
Because the longer I stare at him, the sadder he looks, until eventually, tears start filling his eyes and he has to look away.
I swallow the lump in my throat.
I don’t want to talk.
I don’t want to ask him what’s wrong.
Because I’m shit scared now. That this is the time when it all ends. That he tells me he doesn’t want me here.
Or want me at all.
There’s a pain in the back of my eyes and my throat and behind my nose from trying to hold in the tears and the sob that’s bursting to get through.
But I refuse to listen to his next words. I don’t want to hear them, because the second they come out it will all be over and I will have nothing left, not one fucking thing.
He clears his throat once, and I close my eyes. Wishing all the wishes in the entire fricken world that this is not happening.
“What are we doing?” He says it so quietly, I almost don’t hear him.
I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding.
“What?” I squeak out.
“I’m sorry, Kayla,” he says, and I move to get out of the bed, too embarrassed to be so intimate with him when he tells me that we, what ever it is we are, are done.
“Woah, where are you going?” he says, holding onto me. “We need to talk about this.”
I panic and get out of his grasp. “I can’t.” My eyes are still closed because I don’t want to see his beautiful face. “I don’t want to hear it Jake, please. I just don’t want to.” I’m begging, as I run to my room across the hall.
He follows.
“What’s going on?” Worry laces his voice but I can’t look at him.
“I’m just… I’m sorry okay. I know what you’re going to say and I don’t want to hear it. I just don’t… I can’t. Not today, Jake, please.” I’m almost hyperventilating.
“What are you talking about, Kayla?” His hands are on my face, pulling me up, making me face him but my eyes are shut tight and I refuse to look.
“Kayla! What do you think is happening here?”
“Jake, please…” I surrender to the pain and fall to my knees and he follows me. “I don’t want to be that desperate broken girl that needs you, that’s why I needed to find somewhere else to live, but I waited too long and now you don’t want me here and I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.”
I’m a sobbing mess, tears are flowing so quickly I don’t have time to wipe them away. There’s a pounding in my head and my heart hurts so fucking much, I’m sure it’s going to break through my chest and fall to the floor. I’m sitting with my knees up and my chin resting on them, hands around my head just hoping the outside world would leave me alone for just one goddamn minute so I can gather the strength to get up and face it.