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Je
“Oh my God, we have no time! At least take your fucking hand out of your pants!” she yells at me.
“I’m afraid! If I let go, who knows what will happen down there. At least right now I’m keeping it contained.”
Je
“Excuse me, are we in the right place? Is this the ‘How to Put the Spark Back in Your Marriage’ course?” a man asks from the doorway, his hand holding onto a woman standing right next to him.
Yes, I am well aware of the irony in this situation. Not that long ago I had practically stalked a doctor because of his shitty self-help CD with the same title. I play nice though and sent him and his wife an invitation to our first class. Unfortunately, due to the restraining order, they are unable to attend.
Je
“YES! Yes, welcome! Go ahead and take your seats. We’re just discussing some last minute lesson changes,” Je
“Pull that fucking thing off, right now!’ she whispers angrily.
“NO! It’s going to take a layer of skin with it! You have no idea how tangled it is right now!” I whisper back.
I look over Je
While I’m busy looking, and before I realize what she’s doing, Je
“MOTHER OF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE DICK IN A BOX!” I scream at the top of my lungs.
Je
The pain! Oh my God the pain! It’s like no other I’ve felt before!
Je
I chuck the furry sucker into the garbage can under the table and swallow back my tears, hobbling forward so I’m standing shoulder to shoulder with Je
“Welcome to class, folks! That was just a sample of what we’ll be talking about first this evening. Ways to scream out your pleasure without being boring! Who wants to go first?!” Je
It takes a few minutes, but pretty soon the class is really getting into the question and having fun shouting out their suggestions. Je
Some of my dick skin is stuck to a sucker under the table, the people in the emergency room call us by our first names, we’ve been ba
“You have GOT to be kidding me?!”
We break our eye contact and turn to face the door of the classroom, our looks of surprise and confusion mirroring those of the two couples who are hovering in the doorway.
“Dude, you guys are the teachers?!” Carter asks with a smile as he pulls Claire into the room. “This is going to be fun!”
The rest of the class has quieted down and is watching our exchange with interest.
“This is going to be a horror show, that’s what this is going to be,” Liz says as she and Jim follow Carter and Claire down the aisle and find their seats. “Tell me you aren’t going to be using yourselves as visual aids.”
Je
“Nope, we’ve got plenty of visual aids,” she tells her with a smile.
“Drew, get the laser pointer off of my boobs,” Claire says in irritation.
Je
“Well, Claire, technically this is part of tonight’s lesson. Erroneous Zones and how they can make sex hotter,” Je
“Is anyone else weirded out by the fact that Drew and Je
“If they were teaching children, yes. But let’s be honest here. This is the absolute best subject for them to teach,” Liz answers with a smile in our direction.
“Just tell me we aren’t going to be watching any of your home movies,” Claire begs.
“I don’t know. I’d kind of like to see those,” Carter says with a shrug.
“Oh, we’ve already seen their home movie. It’s a finalist over at Youporn’s 'Home Movie of the Year Awards',” one of the guys on the opposite side of the room says. “We Googled you when we signed up for the class. Using the pumpkin and the ice cream scoop was genius, by the way.”
My smile is bigger than ever after hearing those words.
“Honey, you can Google us!” I tell Je
“Alright, fine. We Googled you too,” Liz admits.
“Yeah, so did we,” Claire adds.
“And aside from having to see Drew’s hairy ass, it was pretty hot,” Jim states.
“It was disturbing-hot and I felt a little dirty after watching it, and I’m not sure I can ever look you guys in the eye ever again, but yeah, pretty hot,” Carter admits.
“Alright, let’s bring this class to order!” Je
I wrap my arm around Je
While she talks, I glance over at our friends that had decided to sign up for our class even though they didn’t know we were teaching it. No matter how perfect you think someone else’s marriage is, this just goes to show you we can all use a little spark and a little fun in the bedroom to make life more interesting. I couldn’t be happier that our best friends are here with us tonight. It just makes me realize how great my life really is.
Veronica and Billy are happy and healthy, and our best friends are the greatest people ever. I’m beyond glad we’ve remained friends and raised families with each other. Oh, and I can’t forget our new best friend, Jackson, that we brought into the circle of trust. My fears of him trying to steal my wife are long gone ever since the day he brought his significant other over to our house for di
I had never thought that night seven years ago when Carter and I went to our new friend Jim’s house for di
Well, except for Vagina Skittles. Vagina Skittles are delicious.
Epilogue
Six months later.
“This is Matt with Cha