Troubles and Treats

I know Billy’s pregnancy was a lot harder on her than Veronica’s.  She'd been sick a lot, and Veronica was in the middle of the Rotten-Horrific-Appalling-Terrifying-Twos.  No, I’m not joking.  Fuck the Terrible Twos.  I half expected our sweet little daughter to cut off our heads while we slept at night and feed our bodies to rabid dogs while overdosing on ring pops and Lucky Charms.  One minute she was hugging us and telling us she loved us and the next she was ru

But tonight, I am going to fix it all.  I am bringing sexy back, bitches!

I can’t take one more night of playing pull and tug with SpongeBob.  Aside from the fact that I’ve watched every single YouPorn video ever made—twice—I’ve also read every story on Erotica dot com, and when I started reading the stories just to see how they ended instead of for the sex scenes, I knew I was in deep shit.

I've spent the last few weeks trying to come up with the perfect plan.  Carter had suggested I sit down and talk to Je

I’m too nervous to do anything but sit on the couch and stare at the door. At nine o’clock, Je

“Where are the kids?” she asks as she closes the door behind her and glances around the living room.

“I put them to bed already,” I tell her proudly.

Je

I don’t miss the smile falter from her face when she realizes the kids are already asleep and she won’t get to do it herself.  She rarely, if ever, misses a chance to bathe the kids and read a bedtime story to them.

I remember a time when she never missed a blow job.  Ahhhhh, memories.

“Did you have a good time with the girls?”

She shrugs as she puts her purse and coat on the table in the foyer.

“It was okay.  I wasn’t up for drinking so Claire and Liz probably thought I was a board.”

“You mean, they thought you were a bore?” I ask.

“I’m too tired to care,” she says, flopping down onto the couch next to me and resting her head on the back cushions.

Shit!  Claire and Liz had one job and one job only - get my wife drunk.  I needed her drunk for this to work!  They are so fired the next time I see them.  Oh well, looks like we’re doing this sober.

“I’ve got a surprise for you.  Go on upstairs to our room and get comfortable,” I tell her with a wink.

She looks at me fu

I sit on the couch practically bouncing up and down with excitement.  I am like a kid on Christmas.  I absolutely ca

I’ll probably need a speech and a tux, because you know, I’m kind of a big deal.  “I’d like to thank the little people.  And by little people, I mean the people out there still not having sex, who aren’t the shiznit like I am.”

I hear Billy let out a cry from his nursery, and I’m not go

Billy’s cries stop after a few seconds, and I say a silent prayer of thanks and give myself a reminder to buy him a new toy tomorrow to apologize for almost going into his room and calling him a cock blocking asshole.

I’m a little concerned that I haven’t heard Je

After I give Je

I run down the hallway with a grin on my face and push open the door to our bedroom with a raging hard-on just thinking about the night to come.  I stop dead in my tracks at what I see and am unable to form any words that can describe the horror show happening right this very second.

“Drew, this is the best present ever!  I love it!” Je

I stand in the doorway of our room staring at the sight before me, and I want to fall down on my knees and weep.  Not in the “Oh my God I’m so happy!” way either.  In the “Oh my fuck, what is going on???” way.

After three hours of hard labor while Je

Now, instead of waltzing back in there like a God to tell them about the hot sex we had suspended from our ceiling, I’m going to have to walk in there with my head down in shame.  I’m not going to have an awesome story to tell about the cops being called because of strange jungle noises coming from our room or windows being broken because of swinging too hard.  The only story I’m going to have is the one about me falling to my knees and sobbing like a girl.

When I close my eyes to sleep at night, I’m going to have to picture Je

“But…that’s my swing,” I whine loudly and try not to stomp my foot.

“Shhhhhhh, I just got him back to sleep,” Je

“Sex…me…the swing…bad….sex…barf.”

Nonsense. That’s what is coming out of my mouth.  Pure nonsense.

The gift that's supposed to rejuvenate our sex life has now become a new baby rocker.

Barf.

“Come over here and sit with me on the swing, Drew.  There’s plenty of room,” Je

Sit next to my wife on a sex swing and NOT have sex?  I do not understand what is happening right now.  Is she speaking English?