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Yep, that’s my father-in-law. Leave it to him to quote Full Metal Jacket at a time like this. As soon as I can feel my face again and see out of my eyes, he’s going to explain this whole mess to me.
“1-2-3-4 I LOVE THE MARINE CORPS!”
Well, maybe after the mace is gone from his system. I think it’s affecting him worse than it is us girls.
“SON OF A BITCH, LIZ! Will you let go of my hair? It was an accident,” Claire yells from behind me. “And I can hear you calling me a dumb fuck whore. I may be blind but I can still hear!”
“Then hear this, you dumb fuck whore! Sleep with one eye open. When I can see again, I will straight up shank you with a whittled down stiletto,” Liz threatens with her eyes squeezed shut as she crazily swings her arms around trying to reach Claire, who managed to escape from her clutches, drop to the ground, and crawl away.
Alright, so maybe everyone has ingested a bit too much mace.
Chapter 11 – Womb Hugging and Penis Loving
“YOU DID WHAT?!”
I wince at the sound of Je
I can’t help it. I laugh. She looks like she has hickies all around her eyes. They are puffy and red and right now it’s really hard to look right at her.
“Look at me when I’m talking to you!”
Shit.
I actually do feel really bad that she was maced. She looks like hell and I’m sure it doesn’t feel that great.
When I had got a phone call from some person named Doctor Madison telling me she received a text from my wife saying, “I pooped on the police and killed an ambulance. Bring handcuffs,” I was a little confused, albeit intrigued. Who was I to judge my wife’s kinkiness? I called Je
After getting my dad, Liz, and Claire home, I admitted to Je
Now we are here, and she is only a few feet away from a kitchen full of sharp objects.
“You’re telling me, you thought I was FAKING A WORK INJURY and you had your dad follow me? I thought I had some crazy stalker tailing me all day and he was going to induct me.”
Yep, full on laughing right now. There’s no hope for me. I’ve already accepted my fate of sleeping on the couch for the rest of eternity.
“Was this stalker going to induct you into the Stupid Crime Stoppers Hall of Fame?”
Je
“I can’t even look at you right now I’m so angry. Why in the hell would you think I was faking an injury and trying to cheat Claire out of money? And your father? Really? You actually hired your insane father to follow me around? Did you see what he was wearing? Full on camouflage, a hat with branches glued to the top of it, and leaves painted all over his face. That is not normal, Drew.”
Would now be a bad time to point out that all three women were dressed as slutty burglars?
I shrug even though she can’t see me. “What can I say, he really gets into his work. And he said to tell you he was sorry.”
She doesn’t say a word. She just keeps her head on the back of the couch and the towel over her eyes. I feel like I'm in the principal’s office, standing in front of her desk waiting for my punishment like that one time in high school when I put a little black skirt over the figure on the boy’s bathroom door in an attempt to get some hot chicks to walk in on guys pissing. Instead, the principal had walked in on a Freshman whacking off during fourth period. The principal had ignored me for an hour before she finally gave me my punishment. I don’t want to stand here for an hour. The kids are asleep and Tosh.0 is coming on soon.
“Um, are we done here?” I ask.
“Did you seriously just say that to me?!” Je
How is it possible for women to hit decibels with their voices that even dogs can’t hear?
“Yes, we’re done here. You can explain your stupidity to Doctor Madison tomorrow when we go for marriage counseling.”
I’m sorry, what?
~
“So, Drew, tell me why you think you’re here?”
I stare at the woman sitting across from us wearing a long flowing skirt, Birkenstocks, and yellow tinted glasses. The smell of incense is so strong in here I think I’m going to be sick, and the soft sounds of Simon and Garfunkel coming from her radio in the corner makes me want to take a nap.
“I have no idea what the hell I’m doing here aside from having a bad '60s flashback,” I mutter.
Je
“Oh it’s okay, Je
“Um, sure. I guess,” I say with a shrug.
I don’t know this woman, and I’m sure as hell not going to tell her the only communication problem my wife and I have right now is that her vagina doesn’t want to speak to my dick. Hippy chick here will look right at my penis and wonder what’s wrong with me. This stranger is going to think I have a third ball or my penis is shaped like a horseshoe.
“My penis is fine!” I shout.
Might as well put that out there before she gets any fu
“You have a real co
Is this really happening right now?
“Um, well, it IS co
She just smiles at me again and then points to my shirt. “I was referring to your shirt.”
I glance down and realize I’m wearing one that says: I puffy heart my penis. Let me show you why.
“I think I can sense what the root of the problem is here. You two just had a baby not that long ago. Sometimes it’s difficult for couples to co
Okay, I take it back. This woman might be a genius. If she can get my wife to co
“Je
Je
“Okay, now, Je
Je
Do not question the good doctor! Do as she says!
“It’s alright, Je
Je
“Um, I love you.”
“Very good, Je
I wonder if she’ll tell Je