This Is So Not Happening

“Don’t you want your flowers?” he yelled after me.

Give them to Chloe.

“Not even a little bit,” I replied.

Then I shoved my way out the front door of the school and into the cold night air. I couldn’t believe that ten minutes ago I had felt so happy. So carefree. Now I felt bad about myself, I felt bad about my relationship…. I just felt bad in general. And I was about to have to put on a happy face for two hours of chowing down with my dysfunctional family. I had no idea whose car we were taking or where they were parked, but I made a beeline for the parking lot, just trying to get away, tears streaming hot across my already freezing-cold face.

ally

“Okay, this girl’s basement is bigger than my entire house!”

Lincoln sidled up to me and handed me a clear plastic cup full of bright red punch. Around me people played on Faith’s father’s classic pinball games, traded memories of tonight’s performance, and laughed as other cast members played Dance Dance Revolution on the TV, while I stood with my back against a pillar, wishing I could rewind the night and do something differently with Jake. Anything.

“That’s where you’re supposed to say ‘really?’ and then I say—”

“No?” I replied.

Lincoln leaned his hand against the pillar somewhere over my head. He wore an old brown-and-tan striped cardigan over a white T-shirt, and it fell open as he moved. “Normally, yes, I would say no, but this time I think I’d actually have to say yes.”

“Okay, I just barely followed that,” I said, standing up a bit straighter.

“Let me put it this way. Her game closet? About the same size as my bedroom,” he said.

“Gotcha.”

Lincoln took a long, long slug of his punch, looking me in the eye the entire time. Looking me in the eye until I had to blush and look away.

“So what’s your deal?” he asked. “You don’t seem to be getting the fact that this is a party.”

“Oh?” I put my half-drunk punch on a nearby table, along with five other discarded half-drunk cups. “What does that mean, exactly?”

“It means you’re supposed to be having fun.”

Fun. Like I had any idea what that was anymore. This was my senior year and the most fun I’d had so far was probably the late-night rehearsals we’d had last week. Smuggling Burger King backstage on di

My heart twisted painfully as I wondered, not for the first time, what I was doing going out with a guy who hadn’t made me smile in months.

Yeah. I was definitely not in party mode.

Lincoln leaned over me and put his cup inside mine, where it forced some of the liquid up the sides. I expected him to go back to where he’d been standing, but he didn’t. Instead he stood in front of me. One foot between my two feet, his chest mere inches from mine.

My heart began to pound as a million thoughts raced through my mind. He was going to kiss me. But no, he wouldn’t kiss me. He knew I had a boyfriend. But maybe that didn’t matter to him. What was I going to do if he kissed me? Where was Faith? Was she watching me right now? Would it be the biggest deal if I let him kiss me? I mean, I’d kissed him onstage a dozen times. What was so different if he kissed me now?

And also, Jake wasn’t here. He was supposed to be here. And he wasn’t. Maybe I should kiss someone else.

Suddenly, in the back of my mind, A

“Really?” I heard myself say. Stalling. I was stalling. I looked at his scuffed brown shoes, the worn knee of his jeans, the off-white rug where three pretzels had been mauled into dust.

Lincoln hovered closer. I looked up at him. He shook his head “no” but said, “Yes.”

Then he leaned in toward me. His lips inched toward mine. I knew how they would taste, how they would feel, but I couldn’t breathe. Jake’s face flitted through my mind, clear and bright as day. And I saw exactly what he would look like if he found out I kissed another guy. I felt exactly the disappointment and betrayal and anger he would feel. Because I’d felt it myself the night I’d found out about Chloe.

I turned my face away. Lincoln’s forehead collided with my temple.

“Ow!” he said.

“I’m sorry.” I sidestepped away from him and backed up, tripping over someone’s leg and falling sideways against the old jukebox in the corner. “I’m sorry, Lincoln. You know I … I have a boyfriend.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, touching his forehead with his fingertips and wincing. “I just thought—”

“I have to go,” I interrupted. Because I didn’t want to hear what he thought. Did he think Jake and I were in trouble because he’d spotted us fighting tonight? Did he think Jake and Chloe were a couple now because Jake was always with Chloe?

God. Could my brain get any more screwed-up?

“I’m sorry.”

I turned and headed for the door, needing to escape more than anything. I had to get out of here and think. I had to figure out how I felt, why I had almost just let that happen.

“You don’t have to leave!” Lincoln called after me.

“Yeah, I kind of think I do,” I replied. “I’ll see you on Monday!”

I grabbed the banister on the stairs and hurled myself upward. As I shoved through the door to the first floor, cool air enveloped me and I finally felt like I could breathe. I could hear Faith’s mom and dad chatting with some other parents in the kitchen and I dove for the coat closet, glad my mother had chosen not to come. Somehow I found my black coat shoved in among the other black coats, and I was outside within seconds.

I hurried down the front walk and across the crunchy frozen grass, relishing the fact that I could walk home from Faith’s. At least something good had come out of moving to Gray’s.

Suddenly, out in the frigid cold night air, everything seemed crisply clear. I was in love with Jake. Whatever he’d done, whatever was going on in his life, however mad at him I was, I was in love with him. I could never kiss another guy while we were together. I wouldn’t do that to him.

Good. That was good to know about myself. But it didn’t solve the other ten million problems with our relationship. One thing was for sure, though. Right then, I felt like the worst girlfriend of all time, and as I turned and headed toward “home,” I decided that from now on, I was going to do everything I could to be better. I promised myself I was going to be the best girlfriend I could be. I was going to act like everything was okay even if it wasn’t. Because maybe the more I acted like it was okay, it would actually start to be okay.

Or maybe I was just making no sense. Either way, I decided to walk slowly, even though it was freezing-cold out. If I walked slowly enough, maybe by the time I got back to the house, I’d have it figured out.

jake

“This is go

“Did you do something? Like, to your hair or something?” I asked.

“See what I mean?” she said with a laugh. “You don’t even remember what I look like.”

I blushed and rolled my eyes. “I remember. I see you every day.”

“I know, but we’re both always so busy,” Ally said as we moved in a tight circle. “It’s like ‘hi’ in the hall and ‘what did you get on your quiz?’ and then that’s it.”

I nodded even though I didn’t get it. We ate lunch together no matter what, and I drove her to school every morning. I’d been seeing just as much of her as usual, except for being grounded until I finally got a good grade yesterday. What was she looking for? An apartment together downtown?