Better Off Friends

We looked at each other, neither of us really knowing what to do now. It was so odd to be standing across from someone who had been my best friend for nearly a decade and yet have nothing to talk about. I couldn’t help but wonder if that was what was going to happen to me and Levi. We already didn’t speak to each other.

I looked across and saw him laughing away with his friends. My anger at Levi wasn’t that he had friends. It was that he’d filled my head with thoughts of love, then took it away from me. I tried to guard myself from getting hurt — it was an automatic reflex. But I’d let Levi in as a friend, then as a best friend. By the time I’d landed in Chicago, I’d been ready to open my heart fully to him. To love him the way I thought he loved me.

But then he’d taken it away. It was torture to be around him those first few days back.

My attention was brought back to the party as our parents were asking for everybody’s attention at the front of the room. Dread filled me, because I knew something embarrassing would probably come next.

“Okay, everybody!” Dad was clinking a glass with a fork. A sharp whistle came from Uncle Adam and the place quieted down. “Thanks so much for coming tonight. And for keeping our little secret.” There was some laughter in the audience. “Can the birthday girl and boy come on up here?”

Levi and I came from opposite ends of the room and were greeted by polite applause and some catcalling from the jock group.

Mrs. Rodgers looked so happy. “I have to say that I was convinced Levi was onto me, he was being really nosy and asking so many questions.”

“Which should always be a cause for concern,” Dr. Rodgers interjected as he put his arm around Levi’s shoulder. Seeing Levi and his dad standing next to each other made me realize how much they looked alike, except for his dad’s dark hair.

Levi’s posture was stiff and he didn’t look that amused. But then a slow smile started to spread on his face as his dad began to jostle him.

Mrs. Rodgers got back control of the room. “Bruce and I can’t begin to express how much Macallan has meant to us, as well as Bill and Adam. They were so welcoming to us West Coasters and really brought us into their family.” She came over and grabbed my hand. “I am so grateful that Levi has such a generous, caring best friend.”

I glanced over at Levi, but his eyes were aimed at the floor. Maybe this was what we really needed to get everything back to how it used to be between us. Everything she was saying was true (especially about me being generous and caring; she missed humble).

I had been distant when I got back, mostly to try to adjust to the new reality that was waiting for me. Then Levi threw those hurtful words and accusations at me that day in my kitchen. I was convinced he was going to come back and apologize. But he left.

I wanted my old Levi back.

Even if it was only as friends.

The way he lashed out at me made me realize how delicate our relationship was. But he was too important to me, such a huge part of my life, I’d take him any way I could. Sure, there would always be something unspoken between us. An attraction we wouldn’t act on. But would a high school romance really be worth sacrificing our friendship?

No. We were better off friends.

I kept waiting all night. Through the speeches and roasting, the singing and cake, through the dancing and presents. I was poised expectantly for Levi to come over to me and make everything right.

But I was waiting for an apology that would never come.

I don’t know what compelled me to go to the last football game of the season. Uncle Adam was more than happy to join me in the bleachers. He went to every high school game, proudly wearing his orange and blue. My excuse that evening was that I was going to root for Danielle and the marching band. I even waved a few times at Emily down on the field as she cheered.

That was my excuse. Truthfully, I wanted to be there in case Levi finally got a chance to play. It wasn’t that he was bad; it was only that the wide receivers on the team who got playing time were all seniors and very, very good.

I didn’t know how much longer my loyalty to Levi would last. We had hardly spoken since the party. We’d pass each other in the hallways and he’d do that chin thing that lets the person know you’re acknowledging her, but not so much as to grant her the pleasure of uttering a proper hello. I tried to not let it get to me, but I got more hurt with each passing day. I sometimes thought it would be best to let it go and move on. I’d already survived the demise of one close friendship. I’d survived a lot worse than losing a friend.

But there was still a part of me that held out hope.

“Come on, guys!” Adam yelled as the other team scored a touchdown, pulling them ahead ten to seven. There were less than two minutes left in the game. I knew that Levi wouldn’t get any playing time with the score that close. We watched as the time slowly dwindled on the scoreboard to only thirty seconds left. I started to fold the blanket I had on my lap, getting ready to head for the exit.

My attention was drawn back to the field as whistles began to blow. There was some commotion going on and flags being tossed.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

Adam surveyed the scene. “Interference or someone’s hurt.”

As the bodies slowly started to break away from the pile on the field, one player remained. He was on his back and grabbing his knee.

The entire place was silent as the coach and the team trainer ran out and assessed the situation. The players stood by in a vigil-like way, all probably worried about their teammate and also u

The crowd started to applaud as the player began to limp off the field, one arm over the trainer.

“Hey, that was Kyle Jankowski,” Adam said as he clapped louder.

Poor Kyle, I thought. Then it registered that Kyle was one of the wide receivers.

I looked over and caught Mrs. Rodgers’s eye. I didn’t know if it was appropriate to be hopeful that Levi would get pulled in at the expense of another player’s health. But that was exactly what happened.

Levi started to jog out onto the field.

“GO, LEVI!” Adam shouted loudly, and patted me on the back.

I felt my heart beat faster. But I was sure it was nothing compared to what Levi was going through.

The team lined up and the ball was snapped to Jacob Thomas, the quarterback. He moved back and surveyed the players making their way down the field. Jacob always had more time than most quarterbacks in the district because Keith was his left tackle. No opposing player really had a chance of getting to him with Keith blocking.

Jacob threw the ball long down the field. I held my breath, conflicted about whether I wanted the ball to be thrown to Levi or not. While I wanted him to score, I also didn’t want him to drop the ball and be accountable for a loss. Even though I always thought it was unfair that one player was either applauded or vilified if they scored or didn’t in the last seconds of a game. The other players on the team were responsible for their getting to that moment. One player does not a team or victory make.

It was an incomplete pass. The team quickly scrambled near the forty-yard line. There were less than twenty seconds on the clock. The ball snapped. Jacob kept shuffling back, looking for an opening. We were at fifteen seconds. The crowd was on its feet. The ball sailed through the air. It was headed straight to Levi, who was ru

I swear time stood still for those few seconds. The entire place was silent. Everybody’s eyes were following the ball’s trajectory.