Better Off Friends

I didn’t like having secrets. Secrets only ended up hurting people.

She continued to plead. “You’re my best friend. If I can’t trust my best friend, who can I trust?”

I bet Levi thought the same thing.

“I’ve known you for forever, we’ve been through so much. Can’t you please forgive me so I can forgive myself?”

That hit a nerve. I never thought about what Emily was going through, how hard this was for her. Although it was her fault.

“Please, Macallan, I’m begging. If I was there right now, I’d be on my hands and knees. If that’s what you want, I’ll be there in two minutes to grovel in person.”

I was so torn. Could I take her word that it would never happen again? I knew the truth would likely crush Levi. Maybe, I figured, it would be best to pretend it had never happened.

“Okay,” I said quietly.

There was a pause on the other end. “Really? Oh my goodness, Macallan. Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I’ll make this up to both of you, really.”

“Please treat Levi well. He deserves it.”

“I will! I promise! I love you!”

I should’ve felt relief when I hung up the phone, but all I felt was dread. As much as I wished to erase that night from my mind, I knew that some memories were harder to forget than others.

Especially the painful ones.

I’d told myself many lies over the years. The most frequent was “you’ll be fine.”

Yes, everything was going to be fine.

You’re going to grow up without a mother, but you’ll be fine.

You’ll wake up every morning and realize it wasn’t a nightmare, it was real. But you’ll be fine.

You’ll have to carry around a secret that could destroy your two closest friendships, but you’ll be fine.

And I thought I was a horrible liar.

One thing I had become very good at was avoidance. Avoiding Emily and Levi together. Avoiding talking about their relationship with either of them. Avoiding any topics involving parties, Troy, my bedroom, emotional scars, etc.

I managed to do it for over three months. Three months of not being able to be completely honest and open. Three months of having to watch every word I said, every move I made. Three months of pure, unadulterated torture.

As the snow melted and hints of sun started poking through the clouds, I thought maybe I would be able to put it completely behind me by the time summer arrived. I even saw a flower start to bloom while I was on my way to lunch in early April. I figured that had to be a positive omen.

Danielle waved to me from our regular lunch table. “Guess who I ran into last night.”

“Who?” I pulled out my carrots and homemade hummus.

“Ian.” She wiggled her eyebrows.

“Ian?”

She sighed. “Ian Branigan, from your New Year’s Eve party?”

Oh. I’d almost forgotten there were other things that had happened that night.

“Yeah. He seemed very interested in what you were up to these days.”

“So?”

“She says ‘so?’ ” Danielle said to nobody in particular.

“Oh, I’m sorry. He asked about me? Should I get the wedding registry ready?”

“She mocks.”

“Yes, she does.”

Danielle reached across and helped herself to some of my hummus. “I simply thought you’d be interested to know that a very cute boy was interested in you. And I may have mentioned that we were going to go to his track meet this Friday.”

“We’re going because Levi wants to check it out.”

“Yes, and while Levi checks out the team he wants to be on next year, you can check out Ian.”

“He’s a freshman.”

Danielle tapped her index finger against her lips for a moment. “Good point. What would someone at the bottom of the high school food chain want to do with a gorgeous girl like you?”

“That’s not what I meant.” I didn’t know what I’d meant exactly.

“All I’m saying is that he asked about you and that I said we’d be at the meet on Friday. No big deal.”

“Right.” I was making too big a deal out of it.

“Yes, no big deal at all.” Danielle gave that smirk that let me know another one of her patented zingers was coming my way. “Now do you care to explain why your cheeks are so red?”

I always went to Levi’s mom when I had a question of the female variety. But I didn’t feel comfortable asking her what to wear to the track meet. I knew she would’ve probably been excited to help me, but I wasn’t sure how excited she would be about my having feelings for somebody. Anytime Levi and I got into one of our little bantering conversations, I’d catch our parents giving one another those looks. Those aren’t-they-so-cute looks. I was sure she’d be happy, but another part of me thought she wanted Levi and me to be together.

As much as I didn’t think Ian was into me that way, I also realized that maybe I wouldn’t be so preoccupied with Emily and Levi’s relationship if I had one of my own. I did love distractions.

So I went to the only other person I trusted for girly advice: Emily.

I sent her a quick text that I was coming over, and left for her house. I was too excited to wait around for a response. It wasn’t unusual for either Emily or me to stop by the other’s house una

I was only a few steps away from the front door when it opened. For a split second I assumed Emily had seen me approaching the house. But someone else stepped out of it.

Troy.

“Hey, Macallan!” he greeted me. “How’s it going?”

The door swung open and Emily jumped outside. “Hey, what a surprise!”

“I sent you a text,” I stammered, trying to make sense of what I was witnessing.

Emily waved her hand dismissively. “Oh, no worries. Troy was getting the, ah, homework assignment we had in history.”

Troy looked at her weird. “Yeah, sure. Catch you later.” He walked down the street like he didn’t have a care in the world.

“It’s not what it looks like,” Emily assured me once we got to her room.

“Then what was it?” I asked. I refused to sit down next to her on her bed. I folded my arms and waited for her explanation.

“Troy and I were just hanging out. Honestly. I’m trying to get to know him better. Last time I checked, that wasn’t a crime.”

“What about Levi?”

“Levi knows.” She picked up a magazine on her nightstand and started flipping through it like we were done with this conversation.

We were not.

“Levi knows what?” I prodded.

“He knows that Troy was coming over today to study. They’re friends.”

“Yeah, some friend.”

“It’s complicated.”

I was so sick of that excuse. Because that’s all it was: an excuse. “Then explain to me. Because honestly, Emily, I have no idea what’s going on with you lately.”

Emily dropped the magazine as if I was being the unreasonable one. “I’m just confused, that’s all. And I’d appreciate it if you weren’t so hard on me. We can’t all be perfect like you.”

I glared at Emily. I didn’t appreciate that she was trying to turn this around on me. This had nothing to do with me. Although it felt as though it did.

She could tell that I was still waiting for a response. “Listen, I like Levi, I do. He’s so sweet and cute. But I also like Troy. So I’m spending time with Troy just to see if, you know …”

“No, I don’t know.” I could practically hear the icicles cover each syllable as they came out of my mouth.

Emily sulked. “I like them both. I want to make an informed decision before I choose.”

“Are you being serious right now? What you’re doing to Levi is completely unfair.”

“I know.” Emily looked sad. “I do. I promised myself that I had to make a decision by graduation.”