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You’re the only thing that matters in my life
All that I’ve done is for you
The biggest piece, the biggest part
The one person who controls my heart
If I could kiss away your pain, I would
If I could hold you every night, I would
If I could erase every mistake, every other face
I wouldn’t change a thing
Because all those things led me to this place
And to you
Because I … I could never break your heart
I wouldn’t know where to start
All I know to be true
Is the only breaking will be done by you
If I could make you smile all day, I would
If I could be the person you want, I would
If I could erase every mistake, every other face
I wouldn’t change a thing
Because all those things led me to this place
And to you
Because I … I could never break your heart
I wouldn’t know where to start
All I know to be true
Is the only breaking will be done by you
The last note hangs in the air. I grab the lyrics from the floor and head off the stage. I hear the crowd reacting, but I don’t care. It wasn’t for them. It never has been.
I turn for the first time to see her reaction. Her eyes are wide, her lips are pursed, her face pale. She looks down at the ground as I approach. Ben grabs Jack and they walk away.
“Emme.” I see her shiver slightly.
She starts shaking her head. She’s saying something, but I can’t hear her over the crowd.
I lean in so I’m close to her. “I’m sorry,” she says.
My entire body aches at her apology. “Because you don’t have feelings for me?”
She looks up at me and I can tell she’s mad. “I do have feelings for you, Ethan. That’s the problem. We’re best friends, you’re the closest person in the world to me. Why can’t we just keep things the way they are now?”
“Because I love you.”
“And I love you, too.”
I’ve wanted to hear those words from her for so long. Although I know her love and my love are two very different things. “But just not in that way, right?”
She doesn’t respond. I feel a madness creep over me. I need to get out of here, away from Emme.
I hear a voice call out after me. But it’s not Emme’s voice, so I don’t care.
A hand wraps itself tightly around my arm. “Ethan, are you okay?”
It’s Ben. I yank my arm free.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
I turn my back and walk away from Emme, from the band, from my life.
I always knew that senior year would be full of challenges — the showcase, the school auditions, leaving CPA behind.
But never did I imagine that the hardest part of senior year would be losing two people who mean so much to me.
What’s odd is that I didn’t even really feel the loss of Sophie. I found that I had a lot more time to focus on my music and the band.
But Ethan … watching him slip away has been harder than I could’ve ever imagined.
Sure, he’s still in class, but he keeps to himself. He hardly looks at me anymore. He won’t commit to any more shows. It’s like he’s shut himself off from us.
And it’s all my fault.
When he confessed his feelings for me, I was so torn. Part of me wanted to kiss him and not hesitate to jump into a relationship with him. But another part of me was scared. And that part won.
Then I froze after he sang that song.
I was scared of losing Ethan. But I lost him anyway.
And every time I see him, I’m reminded of what a mistake I’ve made.
It’s been two weeks since our concert. It has been the emptiest two weeks of my life. I’ve tried to talk to him, but it doesn’t work.
I head to my locker after class. While packing my bag, I open my phone and check my e-mail. I have one from Carter telling me he’s passed the GED. I’m about to e-mail him back when another message comes in. A chill rushes through me as I see the one e-mail I’ve been waiting for my entire life.
“Hey, Red!” Jack comes up to me. “I got this —”
“Have you seen Ethan?” I blurt out.
Jack stops and points toward the exit. “He was walking out the —”
I sprint toward the door and run down the street to try to catch Ethan. I weave through the mass of students heading home and the tourists going to Lincoln Center. I’ve walked to Ethan’s house with him so many times that I have his route memorized. I turn the corner and spot his red and gray backpack in the distance. I ignore the sharp pain in my side and continue to run.
I try calling out his name, but he has his earphones in and can’t hear me. I’m less than a block away. I concentrate on him and nearly run over a group of tourists trying to take a picture.
“ETHAN!” I scream, although I know he can’t hear me.
I’m only a few feet away from him and I reach my hand out to tap him. He stops dead in his tracks and I run right into him.
Before I know what hits me, I find myself lying on the sidewalk. Ethan’s eyes are wide as he takes out his headphones. “Are you okay?”
He reaches down and helps me up.
“What’s goin’ on over here?” A police offer approaches us. “Did you not see the traffic light?”
I brush the dirt off my pants. “Sorry, officer. I was trying to catch up to my friend.” I’m trying to catch my breath; all the cold air is burning my lungs.
“You could’ve gotten hit by a car.” He shakes his head and goes back to directing traffic.
The light changes, and Ethan and I cross the street.
He finally speaks. “What was that all about?”
“Sorry, I was trying to catch up to you. I didn’t see that you were at a crosswalk.”
“No, I mean, why are you here?”
I stop walking. “Ethan, I got into Juilliard.”
His face lights up. “Emme, congratulations!” It’s the first smile I’ve seen from him in weeks. He gives me one of his Ethan hugs. I thought I missed him, but being here with him, in his arms, makes the reality of what I lost much more traumatic.
“But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. I mean, it is. But …” I try to compose myself. I didn’t really have a plan but to find him. “When I saw the e-mail, you were the first person I thought of. It’s like nothing happens to me unless you know about it. And it’s like these last two weeks didn’t exist because you weren’t a part of them. My biggest fear this entire time was losing you, but all I was doing was pushing you away. I don’t want you to be away. I want you to be here. I need you, and not because of the band or because you help me, but because I love you. And as much as I was trying to pretend that it was just in a friendly way, it wasn’t.
“You being with Kelsey made me not ever have to come to terms with my feelings for you. And the reason I got so mad at you for cheating was because I always felt like you were cheating on me as well. And when you two finally broke up, it frightened me. Because then I was going to have to figure out how I really felt. When I think back to the alumni night, the memory that sticks in my head isn’t being onstage, it is afterward when you kissed me. And then when you apologized I thought you saw me like those girls who throw themselves at you during our shows. But I never regretted that kiss. The only thing I regret is that I didn’t have the courage to take a chance on us.”