Take a Bow

I guess I’ve been really lucky to always know what I want to do: music. I’ll admit the uncertainty of where I’ll be next year is stressful, but as I walk into the rehearsal room and see Jack, Ben, and Ethan, I know I’m not alone in this.

Jack gives me a smirk and cocks one eyebrow. “Well, hello, Emma.”

“Hi.” I continue to tune my guitar, not sure what Jack is trying to get at.

“So, Emma, anything you’d like to share with the band?”

Ben takes the bait. “What are you blabbering about, Jack? And why are you calling her Emma?”

Jack laughs. “I guess you haven’t read all about it, huh?” Jack pulls up something on his phone, and Ben gasps.

“What?” I go up and pull Jack’s phone from his hand. On the screen is the photo taken at the ice cream parlor of me on Carter’s lap. The caption reads: Harrison with girlfriend Emma days before he left the prestigious CPA.

I scroll up and start reading the gossip site’s article about Carter’s departure from CPA. The article paints Carter as some diva who was causing problems at school and decided to drop out. The only thing they have right is that he’s taking a vacation. He and his mom left for Italy yesterday for a few weeks. Then when he gets back he’s going to take the GED and enroll in art classes. But leave it to the Gossip Guru to “report” only on hearsay from students at CPA who didn’t like Carter, let alone know him.

“Well?” Jack’s been studying me.

“Well what?” I reply. What happened with Carter isn’t anybody’s business.

“You’re now dating Carter Harrison?” Jack folds his arms. “Because really, Red — oh, I’m sorry, Emma — you certainly seem to be getting around these days. You’re going to have to have a separate binder just to keep track of your social life.”

“No, we were having ice cream and the place wanted a picture…. I don’t know why they have my name as Emma. Or why —”

My stomach drops. Tyler is going to hear about this and any ounce of hope I had that he’d forgive me someday has disappeared. But even worse, there’s no way Sophie isn’t going to see this and think that I’m with Carter now.

“I’ve got to make a phone call.” I run out of the room and call Sophie. She doesn’t answer, so I leave a babbling message explaining everything. She hasn’t really talked about Carter since their breakup, but I have a feeling she’d be more upset with the fact that I’m in a picture, and identified, even incorrectly, on her favorite gossip site.

They’re waiting for me when I return.

Jack laughs. “You know, Red, I never figured you to be the biggest player in the group. First Tyler, then Ethan, now Carter. Pretty impressive.”

Ethan glares at Jack. Leave it to Jack to once again blow Ethan’s kiss after our performance completely out of proportion.

Jack is blissfully unaware of the daggers Ethan is shooting him so he continues. “I guess it is a good thing that I’m taken; I don’t think my heart could take your games.”

Ethan taps the microphone. “Are we ready?”

We all pick up our instruments and run through a few chords, but before we start, Ethan interrupts us.

“I’ve been thinking that maybe we should redo this song as a duet.”

He looks at me.

I shake my head. “No, I think it’s way better if you sing it alone.”

“You know everybody is going to hear you sing at the showcase anyway?”

“Yeah, that’s not guaranteed. I was asked to do a solo based on my guitar playing, not my singing.”

Ethan gives me a knowing smile. “You do realize that Dr. Pafford and the entire audition panel have heard you sing when you audition each semester. It’s not like they’ve never asked someone to audition before, Emme. They know exactly what they are doing.”

The thought of performing at the showcase by myself has left me a nervous wreck. I don’t like thinking about it. To be honest, I was thankful to Carter for opening up to me. And to Sophie for practicing her song. And of course, the guys. I have every confidence that I’ll be on that stage that evening with the guys and with Sophie. But being there by myself, I don’t think I can do it.

“I think we should leave the song as it is,” I state, and start strumming my part. Jack takes the hint and starts playing along with me, and then we are a band. One unit, playing while Ethan sings by himself.

That’s the way it should be.

It’s gotten even worse.

My hands are shaking. If I can’t perform in front of Ethan, then there’s no way that I’m going to be able to do this on Friday.

I’m sitting at the piano in Ethan’s house, putting the final touches on my new song for the showcase. Ethan’s heard me sing a lot lately since we’ve been recording our albums for our senior thesis.

But there’s something about this new song that makes me uneasy. Probably because the entire time I wrote it, I didn’t have the comfort of knowing that Sophie would be singing it. It would be me up there. And of course it ends up being the most personal thing I’ve ever written.

Ethan can tell I’m stalling. “All right, let’s go for a walk.”

We leave his apartment building and head west. The air has gotten colder and Christmas lights are decorating the street-lights and shops. Ethan doesn’t say much, but as soon as we hit Columbus Circle, I know where he’s taking me.

We walk up Broadway, past the turn we’d take to go to school, and a few more blocks north. We get to Sixty-fifth Street and walk past the main Juilliard building, pause in front of Alice Tully Hall, the main performance venue for the school. We walk up some stairs to Lincoln Center Plaza and sit on the edge of the fountain.

Ethan finally breaks his silence. “Have you thought at all about what happens if we both get in?”

I shrug. I honestly can’t wrap my head around what will happen if I get in.

“You know, you sell yourself short. A lot. And it is beyond devastating.” I look up and see him studying me. He wraps his arms around himself. “You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever known. You drop everything to help Sophie, you don’t even hesitate to encourage Carter to go after his dreams, you’ve been nothing but supportive of Jack, Ben, and me. But you can’t ever do it for yourself.”

I’m silent. I don’t know what to say.

“I just wish, for even a second, that you could see yourself through my eyes. Or through anybody else’s for that matter. And you know how after the whole ‘Beat It’ thing, everybody was so surprised? Well, I wasn’t. I knew all along that you were going to do it. Granted, I don’t think my mind was capable of imagining what you did do, but it was astonishing. You’re astonishing, Emme.”

I feel my cheeks burn. Ethan keeps looking at me and I can’t meet his eyes. I can’t. I look down and study my shoes. I know I have to say something.

“Thanks. Really, thanks, Ethan.” I continue to stare out at the pedestrians crossing the plaza, anything but look at Ethan. “I just … you have to understand that my entire life, I’ve been the person behind the person, you know? I’ve never had the desire to be in the spotlight, to have the attention on me. I’ve wanted to make music, that’s it.”

Ethan places his hand on top of mine. “Is it that you never had the desire, or were you told to stand back?”

I pull my hand away. “I should’ve known that it was going to end up coming back to Sophie.”

He sighs. “It always does, doesn’t it? It’s always about her.”

My patience has worn thin about everybody questioning Sophie. She’s singing one of my songs for the showcase audition. I’m not giving her a kidney.

He gets up and stands right in front of me, so I have no choice but to look at him.

“It kills me that you always put yourself second to her. She’s not worth it, and I wish that you would see how special you are. What terrifies me is that you’re going to throw it all away for someone who isn’t worth you. There are few people who are — believe me, I know I’m not. Just please, Emme, for yourself, stop drinking the Kool-Aid.”