That Wedding

"I make you horny?" I give him a teeny smile.

"Jadyn."

"I'm joking, but here's the more important question, Phillip. Do you have any idea what you do to me? You seem to think it's this one sided thing. That you love me more than I love you just because you think you figured it out before I did. I know everyone thinks I'm oblivious. That I didn't see it, but I knew. Remember when we were kids, and we'd stare up at the stars and think about how infinitely big the universe is and how small we felt in comparison? How it's like awe- inspiring?"

"Yeah?"

"That's how I've felt about you all these years. When you asked me to marry you in fourth grade, I prayed that I would. When you told me you loved me after spin the bottle, I wanted to say, I love you too. When we were in the chapel at the hospital, you told me you loved me again. I knew you meant it. When you'd take your shirt off in front of me, I tried so hard not to drool. Every night when you answered your phone with, Hey Princess, I melted. When you'd fall asleep studying in my bed, I never woke you up because I loved waking up in your arms. I kinda hurt Da

"Do you really feel that way?"

"Yes, I really do. Why did you come here, Phillip? To the playground?"

"What do you think I've been doing for the last five hours, besides calling you? I've been looking for you. Have you even checked your phone?"

I look down and shake my head no. "I was crying, Phillip. I haven't really let myself cry since the night of the funeral." I look at him and bite my lip. I don't even try to push back the tears. I don't think I could stop them if I tried. "I went to their grave."

His eyes get big. "You did? You said you were never going there."

I clutch my hand to my chest. "I know. I think maybe I didn't deal with it, Phillip. I think I'm broken. I've been pretending I'm okay, but I'm not. It still hurts, and I cried. I cried a lot."

Phillip chuckles and points to my face. "Um, I can kinda tell you've been crying."

"Do I look like a raccoon?"

"Maybe just a little." He pulls out a hankie and hands it to me. I wipe some of the mascara from my face. "You still look beautiful to me."

"I think I cried all four years worth of the tears I've been holding inside me. I miss them, Phillip. I don't think I'll ever stop missing them."

He nods his head at me.

"We did a good job on the headstone. It turned out really nice."

Phillip pulls me into his arms, the way he always does when I need him. "I know it did. I've been there a few times. You know, you don't have to be strong with me."

I nod my head as he continues. "And I'm sorry. I've been looking for you because I need to tell you something. I knew you were go

He gives me those eyes, those eyes that make me melt, that are like some sort of stealth ray that sneaks in and wipes out my defenses.

"Remember how I said you always know what I need?"

He nods. "Yeah."

"I needed a push, Phillip. I needed you to push me, otherwise, I wouldn't have freaked. I needed to feel like we were over to know that there's no way I'd ever let us be over. I never want us to be over, Phillip. Never, ever." I give him a little smirk. "Although we clearly failed couple's counseling."

"Couple's counseling was shit."

"You told me I needed to take it seriously."

"Maybe I was wrong." He tilts his head. "You're shivering." He stands up, takes his coat off, and wraps it around me. Then he leans his body into mine. "No wonder you're shivering, you're soaking wet."

"I was maybe laying in the snow when I was crying," I chuckle. I'm such a freaking loser.

He runs his warm hands inside my shirt to warm me up. I want to throw him into the snow and kiss him, but I can't. We have to get through this first.

"So I wrote down everything you said," he tells me as he pulls out his phone. I can see he's typed a little list. Only Phillip would've written down everything I jumbled out and written a rebuttal. I don't even remember what all I said. "But first, I have to know. Did anything happen when you were in the back room with Bradley? Did you kiss?"

"No, Phillip. I couldn't. He sort of leaned up against me, which should've felt familiar, but it felt all wrong. I think you ruined me. I don't think I could ever be with anyone else. I told Bradley if you dumped me, I'd have to become a nun."

Phillip laughs. It's good to see him smile. "Okay, good. So I made a pros and cons list."

I laugh too. "Like the one you made me in high school when you wanted to talk me out of sleeping with Jake?"

"Yep. And like the one I made when I decided to tell you how I felt about you."

"You made a list for that? Can I see it?"

"Let's stick to this list, okay? So, the pros. First one is that we solve our conflicts with sex."

"Phillip, that's supposed to be a bad thing."

He flashes me that sexy grin. "Yeah, I know, but I respectfully disagree with Pastor on that one." He touches my cold cheek with his warm hand. "Next on the list is that you know how to manipulate me."

"What? That should be a con too. I'm not supposed to manipulate you."

"That's where you're wrong. I love that you can. I love that sexy little pout. I love letting you think you got your way. You didn't trick me into buying the house. I wanted it just as much as you did. I was being stubborn about the money part of it, trying to wear the pants. You knew what was best for us."

"I hope the pants are on the cons list."

He looks deep into my eyes. "Princess, there's nothing on the cons list." Then he smiles at me and says, "Moving on. The next pro is that you have a past."

I squint my eyes at him. "That makes no sense either."

"You're the single biggest part of my past. I love that. And the last pro is that we spend too much time together. I love that we do, so maybe that means we're both a little screwed up. And that stupid questio

"Two messed up halves that make one perfect whole?"

"Exactly," he says.

"I wa