That Wedding

Phillip, who's been drinking all day and is a little tipsy, says sillily, "I know! You could name your daughter Carat. Get it? Carat Diamond."

Katie and Lisa both say at the same time, "Hope! What about Hope Diamond?"

I didn't partake in the drinking today.

I know, shocker, right?

I didn't drink earlier because I'm so competitive when it comes to the a

Phillip's doing shots with the boys, so I'm being responsible and am just sipping on a martini. I wanted a raspberry martini, but Lori made me get a cosmopolitan just so she could smell it. After a few minutes of her sniffing my drink, I begged the bartender for a nonalcoholic version. Now she's torn between loving the feel of the martini glass in her hand and being horrified that people will think she's drinking alcohol.

She rolls her eyes at Phillip's suggestion of Carat Diamond and continues our conversation. "I think Damon is my favorite for a boy."

"Damon Diamond. I like that."

"Another Big D," Joey says, slapping Da

"Really, it should be Double D," I stupidly say. It causes all the guys to hoot and holler.

What is it about boys and boobs?

Neil yells, "Double D! Aw yeah, baby. Gotta love those. You should definitely pick a D name for your daughter. Lori's got big cans, maybe your daughter will too."

All the guys laugh and start coming up with D names. They throw out Darcy, Daisy, Daniella, and Dani."

Da

Joey giggles. "Destiny Diamond. That totally sounds like a stripper name. That'd be so hot."

"You know, I've kinda been freaking out over being a father, but then I read in a men's magazine somewhere that as long as you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, that you've done a good job."

Lori is sitting next to me. She hasn't moved an inch, but I swear, I just felt the earth shift. Like she's a volcano waiting to blow.

She gives Da

Da

She grabs his hand across the table to get his attention and says madly, "I've been puking daily, listening to classical music that I hate, and drinking only organic juices. I haven't had a cup of coffee, a diet coke, or a beer in months. I've painted the nursery with nontoxic paint, so the baby won't get cancer, and bought baby Einstein toys. And you mean to tell me, your only goal for our child is to not be a stripper or a drug addict?"

"We're just messing around, having fun. Relax, Lori," Da

She pulls her hand away from him. "You're right. That's exactly what I need to do." She says, "Excuse me," to the table and slides out of her chair.

Her and her baby bump make their way up to the bar. A few minutes later, she comes back with two shots of tequila and a pack of cigarettes.

She's about to make a point, I think.

Da

Neil says, "How bout Dakota Diamond? She could wear a cowboy hat, boots, and a rhinestone thong."

The guys all laugh hysterically. Phillip is wiping tears from his eyes. The only time Phillip laughs so much he cries is when he's drunk.

I watch Lori open the pack of cigarettes, take one out, put it in her mouth, and light it.

She takes a pretend drag, slides a shot glass in front of me, and says loudly, "To my future child."

I hold my shot glass in the air while I kick Da

He looks at Lori in horror and grabs the shot glass away from her. "What the hell are you doing?"

Her voice is surprisingly calm as she says, "Why should I make all these sacrifices for our child when your expectations are so low?"

"We're just teasing. I have goals for our child. Big goals. And I'm so proud of all you've done. I'm sorry, baby."

What a suck up.

Lori seems to be appeased though. She smashes out the cigarette, moves the ashtray as far away as she can, and then a

When she's safely in the bathroom, Da

Somehow, I don't think it will be his last of the pregnancy.

"This isn't going to be easy, is it?" he asks.

I just smile at him because I really don't have an answer.

I feel like I'm out in the wilderness hunting for my di

And it's hopeless that I'll ever find myself a meal because Phillip won't let me have a gun.

He says women shouldn't carry guns. And when I ask if I could have a knife, or a sword, or a grenade, or even a bow and arrow, he just keeps saying no, no, no.

And no is not a word I like to hear.

I adore Phillip, but he really needs to set foot in this century.

Why do I feel this way?

Because we're looking at houses, and we can't seem to agree on what to spend. Phillip is conservative and has a strict budget in mind, and nothing I say can change that stubborn mind.

I've offered to get money out of my trust, so we can afford something a little nicer. Something preferably in Da

But still, no.

He has his mind made up that we can afford X amount, and there is no discussion about it.

Which I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.

We're going to be married.

Shouldn't we be able to discuss this?

Does Phillip really believe that he wears the pants in the family? I thought we were go

This is why couple's counseling is bullshit.

Phillip is picking up bad habits there!

Where's the calm, reasonable Phillip that I know and love? Where's the guy who can't stand to see me pout?

Not in the car with me today, apparently, because I just tried to bring up the budget subject again, and he shut me down. I even gave him my adorable, irresistible pout, and he ignored it!!

I'm lazily rubbing Phillip's back. He loves when I rub his back after sex. He's also usually in a pretty damn good mood. Lori says she could ask Da

I'm wondering if she might be on to something. My usual tactics aren't working at all, so maybe I do need a more subtle approach.

"Phillip, I was thinking that maybe part of the reason we're having a hard time finding a house is because we haven't given the realtor much to go on. All you've given her is a price range. Maybe we should talk about what we really want."

He considers the question, probably trying to gauge its threat level. He must decide we're still at DEFCON1 because he says, "You might be right. We haven't been very helpful. What do I want? I wa