That Wedding

"A little over a month," Phillip says proudly.

I roll my eyes. Pastor John has known us our whole lives. He baptized us both, and he was at our engagement party. He totally knows this already, but whatever. If Phillip wants to play along, I'll let him.

"Wow," Pastor says. "That's not a very long time."

"No, it's not," Phillip replies. "But we've known each other our whole lives, so it's not like we don't already know everything about each other."

"Okay, so how are you handling conflicts?"

Uh, what conflicts?

As usual, Phillip reads my mind and answers, "We don't have any conflicts."

I'm quite proud of this.

Phillip and I are the perfect couple.

Pastor should consider using us a model for perfect coupledom. Phillip and I never fight. And on the rare occasion that we do, I pout, and Phillip gives in. It works really well.

"Hmmm, that's interesting," Pastor says. "So you're telling me you don't fight? You've never had a fight?"

Phillip admits, "We sorta had a little fight yesterday about her buying shoes, but we, um, resolved that conflict pretty easily."

"Great. How did you resolve it?" Pastor asks.

Uh. I tricked Phillip into forgetting he was mad at me with a sexy lace bra and a barely there thong.

I give Phillip a worried glance.

Phillip says, "Well, she diffused the situation by making me laugh."

Phillip is good. I diffused the situation. I sure did.

Pastor drones on. "Laughter is a key ingredient in a good marriage. So what will you do if you disagree, but you can't laugh about it?"

"Sex, probably," I accidentally burst out. I didn't really mean to say that, but Phillip has been totally hogging this conversation. Not that I really wanted to be a part of it, but it's hard for me to keep my mouth shut for extended periods of time.

Pastor raises his eyebrows and gives me a pointed glare. I've seen that glare before.

A few times.

Katie and I used to be candle lighters. We'd go in before the service, light the candles, and have to sit behind a column during the service. We were off to the side, hidden from the congregation, but in plain view of Pastor. One time, Katie had me practically rolling down the pew laughing. She and Neil dated most of their sophomore and junior years. She was telling me about the first time she touched his boy part. How it felt, and how she'd screamed when he made it grow in her hand. She thought something was wrong with it! We were clutching our sides, laughing silently, until I accidentally let a laugh escape. It was maybe kinda loud, almost a scream. Pastor stopped in the middle of his sermon, turned, and glared at me. Which totally got me in trouble with my parents afterwards. I should've hated him then. I mean, he's a professional!! He should have better sermon giving concentrational skills.

He says, "I see." Then he does that thing he always does when he's pissed, but he doesn't want to say it. He runs his hand down the sides of his little beard, stroking it. Which I can't help it, I glance toward Phillip and start thinking about a part of him I'd like to stroke.

"Well, I guess we can skip the part about saving it for the wedding night," Pastor says haughtily.

What an asshole.

Seriously.

I wa

Sex is what keeps a marriage good.

I would assume.

"Sex is a good conflict solver though, right?" I ask because I'm trying to be a good student. Plus, I love answering questions when I know the right answer.

"Actually, no," Pastor says, "I don't think it is. Why don't you tell me about the fight."

I start because I'm going to prove him wrong. "I went shopping right after work because there was a great shoe sale. The sales lady that always helps me called me and told me that they'd just marked down a bunch of shoes, but that the sale didn't officially start until the next day, so I should come in and get like first pick. And I did. It was awesome. I found three great pairs of shoes for what I would normally spend on only one. I wear an eight or an eight and a half. Although sometimes for a really good shoe, I can squeeze into a seven and a half. I don't think either one of you appreciates what a triumph that is. Like if I was a size five or a ten, it'd be easy to find shoes on sale, but I'm the most common size, so that makes finding great shoes on sale really hard. And one of the pairs I got was a designer pair, and, oh my gosh, they're these amazingly adorable orange suede platform wedges. I mean, I don't actually have anything to wear with them yet, but they're like a statement shoe. They'll make a basic outfit look amazing."

Phillip rolls his eyes.

"Phillip, I see you rolling your eyes," Pastor says to him. "Why did you get upset about her shoe purchase?"

"I wasn't upset at that point. I just thought it was really stupid to buy more shoes when her closet is already jammed with them."

"Phillip, orange suede platforms are something you don't find that often. You have to buy that kind of shoe when you see it. When you really need a pair of orange platforms, they're impossible to find. Plus, you have no room to talk. Do you know how many pairs of te

"See?" Phillip says to Pastor. "This is why you can't fight with her. You can't get a word in edgewise."

Pastor says slowly, clearly taking Phillip's side, "Why don't you tell us what did make you mad, Phillip."

Phillip's pissing me off. This is why you can't fight with her??!! He should know better than to fight with me.

I always win!

He shouldn't even try.

He should just let me have my way. Our life would go very smoothly, and there'd be no fights.

There. Problem solved. Counseling session over.

I should counsel people.

I laugh to myself. Ha!

I'd be a horrible counselor. I'd tell them to suck it up, quit whining like a baby, and shut the hell up about it. Deal with it. Move on. Stop talking about it. All this is doing is pissing people off.

Namely, me.

Plus, Neil and Joey just texted me and said they're at Taco Tuesday at the bar and would I please let Phillip come out and play. I stealthily hide my phone under my purse and reply.

Me:  Screw you both. I'm coming to play too.

Phillip goes on, "Well, then she started going through my wallet and looking at my receipts."

"And that made you mad?" Pastor asks him.

I butt in and tell Pastor, "I think you need to tell Phillip that what comes around goes around. I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible somewhere. Or maybe it's like the Golden Rule. Treat others like you want to be treated yourself. Because clearly, Phillip did not follow this simple rule. He wanted to talk about my purchases, he should be prepared to discuss his too. Don't you think?"

Pastor squints his eyes at me. "I suppose that would be considered fair, yes."

"Right, and he got mad because what did I find in your wallet, Phillip? What did you buy?"

Phillip stiffens up his back and sits up straighter in his chair. "I bought wheels for my car."

"Which I thought was HILARIOUS! I asked him why he bought new wheels for his car when she already had a perfectly good pair. Get it? Like the shoes. It was awesome."