That Wedding

Phillip's eyes get big. He faces his mom angrily. "Is that true? You were so excited about us getting engaged. You've been pushing us to plan the wedding."

She sighs. "I was, yes."

"And now you're not?"

"I'm just concerned, Philip. We heard about Cancun. How she pushed you away. How she's never had a serious relationship."

"I haven't had a serious relationship either. And you know why that is," Phillip says sternly.

Phillip is pissed. I like it.

He's standing up to his mom for me. It makes me love him more, which I didn't think was possible.

"She went through a lot with her parents' death. I don't think she ever dealt with it. I love you both. I want your marriage to work. That's why I talked to him."

"She is me," I say. "Don't talk like I'm not here. I did deal with my parents' death, and if anyone knows that, it's Phillip. He's always been there for me. And just for the record, I don't feel like my parents abandoned me."

Phillip stands up quickly and glares at his mom and dad. "Did you say that? That her parents abandoned her?"

Phillip's dad says, "We would never say that."

"Pastor John suggested it. Suggested that I have abandonment issues. Maybe your mom is right, Phillip. Maybe I'm screwed up, and you shouldn't marry me. Which is fine, then I won't have to deal with all this bullshit."

I get up.

I want to run. Run away. Run home. Hide under my blanket.

Phillip pulls me into his arms and looks straight into my eyes. "We're getting married, Princess. Whenever we want, however we want. I don't care what anyone thinks. If my parents don't want to be supportive, then we'll go to Vegas or some beach and get married by ourselves." He turns to his parents. "Do you want to be part of our wedding?"

"Yes," his mom says.

"Then remember it's our wedding, our life. We make the decisions. I'm not putting up with this shit."

His dad says, "Phillip, calm down. We get it."

Phillip sits down, pulls me onto his lap, and wipes a few stray tears from my face. I tried to hold them in, but I lost the fight. A few managed to sneak out.

"You still okay with moving up the wedding?"

I kiss his cheek. "Yes."

I can't wait to be Phillip's wife.

I really can't wait.

His dad says, "So December or January it is. Your parents got married in January, JJ. That's kinda cool, huh?"

"I kind of forgot that. You're right though, it is cool."

Mr. Mac gets down a picture of my parents' wedding day from the family room shelves and hands it to me. Mr. Mac is the best man. My dad looks so young and handsome. My mom was a beautiful beaming bride.

We didn't stay long after di

If I'm going to get married near their a

I take the album with me and plop down next to Phillip. We flip through the pages together.

The first time I flip through, all I really notice are their faces. How young and happy and so in love they looked.

Those faces that I miss so much.

I lose the fight with more tears. They trickle gently down my face. I wipe them away quickly, so Phillip doesn't notice.

When I flip through the second time, I start to see details. The way mom's dress fit her perfectly. Her pale pastel flowers.

I turn another page and see the bridesmaids all lined up. Their dresses had fitted black velvet tops with full purple taffeta skirts.

"Phillip, purple was my mom's favorite color."

"It's one of your favorite colors too," he says, but my mind is racing. I'm picturing the menu card we saved. The black and white damask, the black scrolly lettering, the deep purple accents.

I get up, run to the huge stack of bridal magazines stacked in the corner of the dining room, and flip through page after page of pictures until I find it.

I run the picture over to Phillip. "Look at this dress. I thought it would be such a cute bridesmaid's dress." I point to an adorable strapless dress. The ruching across the bust line meets in the center to form a fabric flower, and then it falls into soft pleats from a babydoll waistline. "It would be perfect to hide Lori's little bump, and look at the gorgeous icy pale purple color. What do you think?"

"I think the dress is cute. So are we going with purple?"

"Yes, black, white, and purple. I think Katie was right. Pick a color, pick a few details, and everything will start falling into place."

When I put the wedding album away, I see our holiday photo album. It's full of just holiday photos from each year, starting when I was a baby.

I look through the photos, and my eyes tear up again. What the hell has being engaged done to me? Why can't I control the tears anymore?

I see photos of me as a baby. Of me and Phillip visiting Santa. Me bawling. I never liked to visit Santa. He still kinda scares me.

And then I see it. A photo of Phillip and I, when we were both seven, in front of a fountain in Kansas City. The Country Club Plaza Lights are shining all around us.

My family, Phillip's family, and sometimes, the Diamonds, would kick off the holiday season with a trip to shop and see the Plaza Lights.

Phillip and I never liked to shop much. We would spend most of our weekend ru

I see another photo of Phillip and I in front of the same big fountain. We're older in this one, about fourteen. I know because that was the last Christmas I was taller than him. He has a big grin on his face and is making bu

There are more pictures of all the gorgeous Christmas lights. I always loved seeing the lights. Walking from the hotel to di

Heck, who am I kidding? I still do.

I run back to the couch and shove the photo album onto Phillip's lap. "Phillip, look at all of this!!! Remember this? All those yearly trips?"

"Yeah," he says, "we didn't go much in college. We should go this year."

A crazy idea has been forming in my head. Actually, it's not crazy, it's perfect. "Phillip, what would you think about getting married in Kansas City, maybe in early January, while the lights are still up?"

I can tell by Phillip's face that he likes the idea, but his brain is trying to work out the logistics of it all. He finally says, "Princess, I think it would be perfect. Just like you."

I forget exactly what he did then. Ran his hand through my hair and started rubbing my back, I think. But next thing I know, I'm in bed with very little on my body and only one thing on my mind.

We came to Kansas City yesterday to look at commercial real estate, fill Lori and Da