That Boy

She hands me a spreadsheet of all the food she made, saying, “Here's the list of what's here and how to cook it.”

My, she is very organized. I should make lists because it never fails, when the party is over, I discover something in the back of the frig that I forgot to serve.

I look over the list and see it's pretty extensive. Barbecued brisket with mini di

“I think I'm in heaven. Go Big Red cupcakes and mint brownies! You're spoiling me.” And thinking about them, I say like a little kid who wants cookies before di

“Sure,” she says, and gets me a brownie.

I really love this woman.

“Phillip's going to have his work cut out for him tonight, just trying to keep me away from those brownies, but other than that, I don't know what we're going to do with ourselves all night.”

Well, I actually do have a few ideas in mind.

She smiles a knowing smile. I hope that mind reading thing doesn't run in the family. But I'm worried because I get the feeling she knows exactly what I just thought.

“I thought it might be nice for you and Phillip to spend some time together, without having to worry about the party.” She pauses and then says, “I have a question for you. Have you and Phillip ever thought about dating each other?”

I wonder if she already knows about Mexico. I kind of hope not.

“Um, well, we did talk about possibly dating in May, right before Da

“And?”

“And, we kind of had a trial run in Cancun, but things didn't go very well. We managed to stay friends though.”

“Did you sleep together?”

Uh, that it probably not information I want to share with you.

You are his mother, for goodness sakes.

At first I think I'm not going to answer this question on the grounds that it might incriminate me, but I figure in this case, the truth is way cleaner than her imagination, so I tell her the sad truth, “No, we didn't.”

There. End of story.

Now, how 'bout them Huskers?

But she's not done with me yet.

“Have you ever?” she asks in a very matter of fact tone, like we're discussing the weather and not my sex life with her son.

Well, lack of sex life, really.

This is getting a little too personal, don't ya think?

But once again, I tell her the truth.

“Uh, no. Never.” I shake my head no.

She looks surprised at this news and has a questioning look on her face, like she doesn't believe me.

“Hmm.” She has her finger up to her mouth thinking very seriously about something.

This ought to be good. “You know, JJ, you girls today have it rough. Back in my day, if you really wanted to get a man to marry you, you just seduced him and got yourself pregnant.”

This woman continues to shock me. I mean, I've never thought of myself as uptight about this stuff, but I gotta tell you, I'm feeling pretty tight right now.

Like I can't get any air. I must need some milk and quite possibly another brownie.

As I refill my plate, I stammer, “Uh, yeah, but it doesn't quite work like that anymore.”

She dismisses my statement with a wave of her hand, “Well, it should. And it would work in Phillip's case. He has good values and would do the right thing.”

Is it just me, or does that seem a bit twisted? I mean if Phillip's morals were so good in the first place, he wouldn't be getting anyone pregnant, would he?

Then I put two and two together and realize this is her roundabout way of, not so subtly, telling me that I should seduce her son AND get myself pregnant!

I'm shocked. Beyond shocked.

I am, I don't know, double shocked.

Practically speechless.

No, I am speechless.

I have my mouth open, and I can't say a thing. I can't even take a bite of this brownie. And it has all that yummy, gooey, red mint stuff on the top. I just stare at the piece on my fork.

It's like we were playing freeze tag and someone just yelled, FREEZE.

And I did!

But I don't have to say anything because she continues with, “You know, I really worry about what would happen, should Phillip decide to marry someone besides you.”

How did we get to babies and marriage from food?

And now she's got him marrying someone else? What's wrong with her?

“What do you mean?” I think I must have got lost somewhere because I'm really not following all of this.

“Well, you know most of Phillip's girlfriends have felt a bit threatened by your relationship with him. And I'm just afraid that if he marries someone who feels that way, well, you need to know that I would have to do whatever makes her feel comfortable.”

Then she pulls out the big guns.

“We might not be able to include you in everything, like we do now.”

Oh, that hurts.

That thought makes me want to cry.

I look at her with sad puppy dog eyes and say, “You mean if Phillip marries someone else, you're going to kick me out of the family?”

“Now, JJ, we'd never be able to get rid of you.”

Like I'm a puppy that she's thinking about taking to the pound.

“I am just trying to impress upon you that the situation could prove to be difficult in the future.” Her eyes look warmer.

Apparently we're not talking about the weather any more.

“I'm not sure if Phillip has any desire to date me, let alone marry me. Have you talked to him about any of this?”

“No, but I know how he feels about you. It's quite obvious.”

It is?

Still?

She thinks Phillip might actually want to marry me?

I get a brilliant idea. “I know, you could just adopt me. Then no one could complain, and you wouldn't have to get rid of me.”

She's too quick for me though because she says, “Wouldn't it just be easier to give it a try with Phillip?”

“Probably,” I say, telling her the answer she wants to hear.

I know she'd never shut me out of their lives, but she does bring up a good point.

Some of Phillip's girlfriends have had a problem with me.

OKAY. Most of them.

But I swear, I'm always nice to them. So it can't be because of anything I've done. I mean most of them seemed pretty nice.

No, that's not exactly true.

I think back and realize that I can't think of even one girl that Phillip's dated that I really liked.

Could all those girls see it in me?

Was I experiencing latent jealousy all these years?

No, that couldn't be it. I just think the girls realized that if Phillip had to choose between them and me, he would always pick me.

And he would.

That's one of the things I like best about him.

I suppose it's time I return the favor.

Hey wait, I already did.

Today.

I chose Phillip over Jimmy. Yay for me!

I hear Julie talking to me.

“JJ, what are you thinking about so hard?”

“Um, just about what you were saying. You're right. None of Phillip's girlfriends have ever liked me much.”

She smiles big at me. She likes being right.

“They were jealous of you. Phillip has feelings for you that are very strong and feelings like that are hard to hide. Ashley told me just the other day, she thinks Phillip has always been in love with you.”

“I know. I think I've always felt the same way.”

OH CRAP!

I can't believe that just slipped out of my mouth!

She really smiles at that.

Boy she is good, that sneaky woman.

Somehow, maybe she put truth serum in the brownies, she's already got me to admit that I love Phillip.

She should be an interrogator.

She'd feed people sweets and have them confessing to everything before they even realized what she was up to.