Date Me

I nod at him and smile. “I get it, and I like both kinds of peace.”

He stops moving his finger across my hand and looks at me intently. “Good. Remember that in a few minutes.”

“Why . . .?” I start to say, but I can’t finish because his lips are on mine.

He gives me one of his long, slow, perfect, electrifying kisses.

Our lips touch.

They barely move.

They don’t have to.

Just touching is somehow enough.

The kiss ends. He must have ended it.

There’s no way I pulled away from a kiss like that.

I want to be kissed like that forever.

I’m frozen, holding my breath, and staring at his beautiful face. Those green eyes that make me feel emotionally naked every time he looks at me.

He touches my bottom lip with his finger.

Slowly glides it from one corner to the other.

“How are your lips?’ he asks. And I know exactly what he’s referring to. The night when he fixed my lips.

“Perfect,” I reply, with a contented sigh.

“So you’re not mad at me anymore?”

“How could I be mad?” I say.

But I want to tell him that I know it’s all bullshit. The lines. The kisses.

I want to tell him that I’m not falling for him again.

That I was crushed when he didn’t call me after our 29 dances.

That I saw our future.

That I just got hurt by a boy and I don’t ever want to be hurt again. That I could never give him my heart.

For one reason.

He could destroy it.

If Dawson had the potential to break my heart, crack it in two, Aiden has the power to a

And I would never be the same.

That’s why we can only be friends.

That and the fact that he’s hung up on someone else.

He gets up and says, “For once, I’m go

“Night, Aiden,” I say, trying to keep the wistful sound out of my voice.

I stop before I go back into A

It’s just cake.

He felt bad.

It’s just cake.

He’s a nice guy.

It’s just cake. He’s finally not failing French.

You are his tutor. It’s just cake. A peace offering, so you will keep tutoring him.

I set the cake on the floor and let the girls dig in.

“Oh my gosh. We are never missing cake night again!” Maggie exclaims.

“It was sweet of Aiden to bring you cake,” A

“I wish a boy would bring me cake,” Katie says.

I touch my lip and say quietly, almost to myself. “He kissed me.”

“Like made out or kissed?” Maggie asks, her mouth still full of chocolate.

“Just one of his super slow, lips-barely-touching, amazing kisses.”

“But you’re still done with boys?”

“Definitely,” I say with conviction. “But, I mean, he brought us cake. He deserved a kiss, don’t you think?”

“I’d do more than kiss for cake this good,” Maggie laughs.

“You’re bad.”

She grins. “I wish.”

It’s a mess.

10:30pm

Katie and I roll into our room just before curfew. I brush my teeth and walk out of the bathroom.

And see my side of our room.

There are books all over the floor by my desk. There are clothes piled high on my chair.

I slowly walk towards my closet and peek in.

It’s a mess.

My shoes aren’t in their boxes.

My expensive handbags are tossed in a pile on the floor instead of lovingly placed in a row on my shelf.

I back out of my closet and look at my bed. My bed, which I stopped making every morning.

Oh my god.

I’ve become Dawson.

I almost quit the play because of him. I almost gave up on my dream because of a boy.

Mom always says that Tommy encourages her to shine. That he’d never try to change her.

But Dawson didn’t try to change me. I let myself change.

What did Kym say after I broke up with Sander? I’m doing me.

And I think that’s exactly what I need to do.

Promise to myself #1: No more getting drunk and out of control. You are not that kind of girl. You’ve never been that kind of girl. You like being in control.

Promise to myself #2: You are single. But you don’t need to act like Dawson did. Kissing everyone to make your ex jealous. No. You need to kiss whoever you want. Whenever you want. No apologizing for it.

There are too many hot guys here to apologize for it.

Oh, yeah, I’m going to like being single.

Welcome to my whoredom, boys.

I pick up my room while Katie showers. Then I call Mom.

“Hey,” I say.

“Hey,” she says. “Garrett is pretty upset with you.”

“I was hoping he wouldn’t tell you. Dawson and I broke up, Mom. His ex texted him and wanted to get back together. I was going to surprise you this weekend. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing. I chartered a plane and was going to just show up at your house. I thought we could stay in all weekend and no one would know I was ever there. I was bringing Dawson with me. I was going to tell him the truth on the plane. That’s why I was so upset. Why I went to Miami. I needed to see Damian. I needed my friend.”

“Oh, Keatyn,” she says with a sigh. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Mom. I’m done with boys. I just want you to know. I won’t make any more mistakes. I won’t see anyone or risk anything. I’ll take better care of me. I promise. I’m sorry, Mom.” I start crying. It’s all catching up to me. I want my mom. I want her to come in my room and sit on my bed and talk to me and hug me when I feel like crying. I want to go to my sisters’ room. I want all four of them to jump on me and hug me at once. I want Tommy to tease me. I can’t do this here.

I just want to go home.

“Sweetie, you’re seventeen. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t make a few mistakes. I think you have been beyond responsible. You left to protect the girls, right?”

“Yes. I love them so much. That letter in Avery’s backpack freaked me out. I don’t want Vincent to ever be anywhere near them. And, obviously, he is still looking for me. He’s not just forgetting about me and giving up. But I was upset about Dawson. And I let it cloud my judgment. He told me he loved me, Mom, but he didn’t really.”

“You know, honey, you can’t fully love anyone until you learn to love yourself.”

I hear a blood-curdling screech from one of the girls, then Mom yells, “I’ve got to go! I love you!”

The call disco

You can’t fully love anyone until you learn to love yourself.

I’ve been so worried about if a boy loves me or not. I give them my heart only to get it back stomped on and broken. I can blame Brooklyn and Dawson all I want for breaking my heart.

But the truth is, I let them.

I didn’t listen to the nagging voice in my head. The voice that knew when we were on tour with Damian that things weren’t right with B. The voice inside my head that knew all along that Whitney would want Dawson back and that he would want to go.

I didn’t listen to them for one reason.

Love.

I kept telling myself that it wasn’t true because they loved me.

I think it’s time to figure out what I want out of my life.

It’s time to learn to love me.

I lie down in my bed and close my eyes.

My bed feels so good.

I hear Katie brush her teeth, flip off the lights, and then get into bed.

“Night, Keatyn.”

“Night, Katie.”

I take a couple deep breaths and relax.

I’m so ready to go to sleep and have this day be officially over.

“Keatyn!” Katie exclaims a few minutes later. “They’re so pretty! I love them!”

“Love what?” I say, keeping my eyes shut tight.

Please, just go to sleep.

“You mean you didn’t do it?” she asks.

“Didn’t do what?”

“Open your eyes, silly.”

“I don't want to open my eyes. I want to go to sleep and forget today. Forget last night.”