Stalk Me

I take a good look at the house. The house that has been my home for the last few years. The spot by the window where we always put the Christmas tree. The kitchen barstools where we have some of our best discussions. The fireplace that Gracie likes to ride her trike into. I glance outside and look at the waves I love to watch. The waves that seem to be as moody as I am. Sometimes gentle and relaxed, other times, dark and stormy.

I swore I wasn’t going to cry this morning, but I can’t help it.

Gracie pulls on my sweatpants. The girls are all still in their little pajamas and rubbing their eyes. “Why Kiki sad?” she asks in the most adorable voice.

I sit down next to her. “I’m going to miss you.”

She throws her little arms around my neck and gives me a strangling hug, which makes me cry more.

“Don’t be scare-wed,”

Ivery joins the hug. “Why you scared, Kiki? You’re going on an adventure!”

Mom and Tommy say that every trip they go on is an adventure, so the girls will be excited about them.

“Because I'm going by myself.”

“Wait!!” Ivery says. “I know what will help!”

She tears off towards her room and comes ru

She thrusts it into my hand. “Take Tink. If you get scared, just wish upon a star and it will be okay.”

“I can't take this, sweetie. It's your favorite.” Plus I already wished on a birthday candle, and look where that got me.

“Tink wants to go with you, since you won’t have Mommy and Daddy.”

I want to start bawling, but I’m trying so hard not to. I need to be the brave girl my sisters think I am.

Avery and Emery join the hug and not wanting to be outdone, Avery declares, “We have presents too.”

She gallops back with her red glitter purse in hand. She unzips it and fishes around for the purple glitter magic marker that she always keeps tucked inside whichever purse she's carrying. “Here! You can write with it!”

Emery gives me a rock that she's colored on. She whispers in my ear. “You can smash people’s fingers with it when they’re mean.”

I laugh out loud at that.

Gracie sneaks into the kitchen, goes to whatever secret hiding place she knows, and brings me two Hershey kisses. She drops them in my hand. “One for Kiki. One for Kiki new fwend.”

If only it were still that easy. Sit next to someone, give them a kiss, and be best friends forever.

Gracie squints her little eyes at me. I can tell she just thought of something else.

She runs to the pantry, runs back to me, and drops another kiss in my hand. Then she says, “Gweysie your fwend too.” She quickly takes the kiss and eats it.

“We need to get going, honey,” Mom says gently.

I give each of the girls one more big hug. They haven't even realized anything is different. Traveling has always been a part of their lives.

James gives me a bear hug. “Take care of yourself and remember what we talked about. Don’t ignore your fear. Always listen to it. Use your head and don’t take any chances.” Then he gets choked up and shakes his head. “I should be going with you.”

“We already talked about that. If you went, people would wonder why. I’ll be fine, I promise.” I whisper in his ear. “Keep the girls safe.” He nods and gives me another hug.

We try not to make too big of a scene for the girls’ sakes.

Mom said she couldn’t watch me say good-bye to everyone. She’s already in the car.

It’s a long flight, but we watch a recent comedy that helps take all our minds off the inevitable. Marcus, Tommy’s assistant, Garrett, and a four-man security crew are traveling with us. Tommy has a private plane. Flying with four kids under the age of five is tough enough without having to fly commercial. Add the fact that they are photographed practically every time they try to take a pee and, well, you can see why a private jet is a must. Normally I complain that the jet is a flying toy box.

Today, I miss the toys.

When the movie is over, Mom asks, “So, you and Brook okay?”

“Yes. No. Sorta. I don’t know, Mom. I didn’t tell you, but I broke up with him at the party, and I was going to start dating Cush again.”

“I see you brought the boots he gave you.”

“I feel really bad I didn’t get to explain things to him, but I brought the boots because they remind me of who I want to be. I’m embarrassed to say that when I started high school I had very superficial goals. I don’t know how long I’ll be there, but I’m doing things differently this time.”

“How so?”

I chuckle. “My old goals were to dress for success and always look perfect. I wanted to be popular and date the cutest and most popular boy.”

Mom smiles. “Honey, those are most girls’ goals. Everyone wants to be liked. To be popular. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Being liked is fine. I want people to like me, but I don’t want to be popular. I’m going to make true friends. I’m not going to be a bitch or be fake, and I’m definitely not falling in love.” And, I don’t tell her this, because she’s a hopeless romantic, but I’m also going to take Vanessa’s advice: I’m going to stop following my heart and start listening to my head.

“You can’t control when you’ll fall in love.”

I ignore her comment because hell yes I can. And I will.

“And I’m going to stay alive,” I add.

Mom’s face turns white. “I can’t believe I’m allowing this. I don’t know if I can. I think you should just come to Vancouver with us.”

I shake my head. “No, this is for the best. I’ll be fine, Mom. Like Avery said, I’m going on a new adventure. And it’s not like we can’t still talk and text. That’s why getting into your phone is like getting into Fort Knox.”

She laughs. “I’m still having a hard time putting in those passwords.” She tilts her head at me. “So, we were talking about you and Brook. You changed the subject.”

“There’s really nothing else to say.”

“Are you okay? I mean, you’ve been through a lot the past six days. Almost being kidnapped. Breaking up with your boyfriend. Going to a new school. It would be hard for anyone to handle. You seem a little too composed.”

“Almost being kidnapped was horrible. Being kidnapped would have been worse, so I’m thankful. Brooklyn wasn’t my boyfriend, so we didn’t break up. He’s going surfing. I’m going to school. If we’re supposed to be together in the future, he says fate will intervene.” I roll my eyes. Sometimes his karma and fate talk sounds a lot like bullshit. “So do you have any advice for me? You made it through high school, were prom queen and all that. What do I need to know?”

Mom runs her hand across the top of her perfectly coiffed hair. “Just be yourself, Keatyn. And be confident. You’re worldly, mature, well-traveled, well-spoken, and confident. You’ve always acted older than you are. Kids are drawn to that. And if I were you, I would make friends with a few boys first. It takes some time to figure out how girls are going to behave. And I know you have to tell a different background story, but you’re still you. The you you’ve always been, with your father’s gorgeous eyes, my killer smile, and your own individual grace. You are unstoppable. Don’t worry, everyone will love you.”

“Mom, seriously?”

“What?”

“You just told me what Elle Woods told her dog when they got to Harvard in Legally Blonde.”

Mom’s mouth starts out in a little smirk and then beams into her famous megawatt smile. She laughs. “You’re right. I did. Well, everyone will love you. And I love you very much.”

I hope Mom’s right about that. For the first time in my life, I have to totally rely on me. And what if me is really a loser? What if no one likes the real me?