Four Summers

I deflate. It doesn’t matter if I was excited before. Doesn’t matter if I wasn’t sure how I felt because now there isn’t a choice.

“We were going to play football,” I say, knowing it won’t change anything.

Dad looks bummed. “It won’t take long. I’ll make it real quick and then you can get back to your friends.”

I turn back to the group. This is where Alec would usually say he’d stay and help me. We’d get done quickly and go play, but the look on his face—the guilt blending with the desire to play is as plain as day

“Go with them. I’ll be over when I’m done.”

“Thanks, Charlie. That’s why I love you.” He gives me a hug and then bounces on the balls of his feet. All energy, like he always gets when he plays football.

“Want me to stay?” Nathaniel asks. “I can help.”

That causes Alec to pause. It makes my heart stutter, too.

“No,” I shake my head. “That’s okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Charlie! Hurry up, please!” Dad shouts.

“I have to go,” I say, and turn around to walk away.

It’s dark outside when I slowly slide open my window and sneak out. I’m not sure my parents would really care. I’m sure they wouldn’t. It’s not like I’d be sneaking out to meet a boy or do anything dangerous, but I still never let them know. They wouldn’t understand my fascination with the night. With the stars and how they amaze me and make me wonder what else there is in the world.

Sure they know I like them, but they don’t know how the stars carry my dreams. That I wish I could drift away on one and see and explore everywhere.

That's a fact I like to keep just for me.

Tonight, I need a little piece of that thing that’s just mine. By the time I finished helping Dad this afternoon, the football game was over. Sadie was angry because Brandon disappeared with Alec to do some stupid boy stuff and, according to her, she didn’t know or care where Nathaniel was. I’d used the home phone twice to call Alec, but he didn’t pick up or call back. That’s never happened before and I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but it does.

It’s not like I should want to hang out with them anyway. Alec can be best friends with that stupid summer boy if he wants to.

When I walk by one of the cabins, a noise startles me. Looking over I see the older couple in chairs on their porch. The light shows me they’re holding hands. Pausing, I watch them for a second, my heart going pitter-patter as I think about how much they much love each other and how hard it must be to know, they’ll soon be separated. Shaking my head, I start walking again.

It doesn’t take me long to walk to my spot. There are other places I like to go at The Village, places that are more private and harder to get to, but tonight I don’t go to them. Tonight I want to be here, in this same little place I snuck off to the other night with the cool view, down the beach.

I have my telescope in the bag over my shoulder. My eyes are following the light from my flashlight as it dances across the ground. I’m not even wearing any shoes, because it doesn’t matter out here. For a minute I think of my toenails and how plain they are without all the colors that Sadie A

I shake my head. I have no idea why I’m thinking about my toenails right now. I’ve never cared how they looked before, so I’m not about to start now. I’m so lost in thought, that I don’t see anyone in front of me, just hear the voice in the darkness say, “Boo.”

I don’t jump, but my heart does. Not because I’m scared. It jumps in excitement. Maybe even wants to do a little dance in my chest.

“I’m not very scary, huh?” Nathaniel says.

I look over and see him sitting close to where we met last night. He has his legs out in front of him, a pair of Nikes on his feet, and I suddenly wish I was wearing shoes. Or that I would at least be the kind of girl who painted her toenails. “What are you doing out here?” My voice sounds a little sharper than I meant for it to. Don’t be a dork, don’t be a dork.

“Waitin’ on you.”

“Why?” I don’t mean for the question to come out, but no one really waits for me, except Alec, but I feel like he kind of has to. We bathed together as kids. We learned to walk together and our parents threw us in the pool to learn to swim on the same day. Alec grabbed my hand under the blue water and we found our way to the surface together. I’m not sure he has a choice but to wait for me, but Nathaniel doesn’t.

“I felt bad you got ditched today.”

Oh. That’s not really the same thing as wanting to be here. “I didn’t get ditched.”

“So you didn’t want to go with us?” he asks. It takes me a minute to make sense of him. Boys are so strange. He seems to say whatever is on his mind and he’s so literal. Alec is like that with me, but not quite as much. Alec wouldn’t tell me I got ditched. He would say he was sorry my dad made me stay, which, yeah might be the same thing, but they sound a whole lot different. Choice of words is important.

“Whatever,” I say, and go to turn around, but he speaks again.

“I’m just asking. I’m not trying to be a jerk.”

I pause, wanting to walk away, but knowing there’s a bigger part of me who wants to stay with the summer boy who came out because he felt bad I got abandoned while everyone else got to have fun. And when I put it that way, it doesn’t sound like such a bad thing.

“What’s in the bag?”

I turn to face him again, shining the flashlight in his direction, but not right in his face. The moon is bright enough to give some light, but it gives me something to do. “My telescope.”

“Can I see it?”

I shrug. “It’s not that nice.”

“So?” He sounds confused by my words and I have to bite my cheeks not to smile. My face is hot and there’s a game of tackle football going on inside my belly.

I walk over to him and sit down. My fingers are all shaky and I cover my plain toes with my pack as I pull out the old, black telescope. I hand it to Nathaniel and our fingers brush. It makes me feel like little fairy wings are brushing my skin.

I turn so he doesn’t see my smile as I pull the stand out of my bag. My back is still toward him as I set it up. I turn to grab the telescope from him and Nathaniel is looking at me. His eyes are this dark blue that somehow reminds me of the moon.

Once it’s all set up I scoot over and nod my head toward it. “Look.”

Nathaniel gets up on his knees; so super close to me that I swear I feel the heat from him. It’s like I’m sitting by the woodstove. Like I’m freezing and he’s giving me the warmth to keep me alive even though it’s a billion degrees out here and I know my thoughts make me sound like an idiot.

He looks through the scope and I watch, excitement burning in my insides because he’s going to get it. I know he is. He’s going to understand me in a way no one from The Village can. I hold my breath, wanting, needing, waiting, flying.

“Look like stars to me,” he says, leaning back, and I crash to the ground. My eyes prick with tears. I’m stupid. So stupid. Why did I think he would get it? Why do I want him to?

“Oh,” I say, those fairy wings replaced by little pins poking my skin.

The look on his face changes thing. His eyes crinkle and he removes his backward hat. “Show me what you see up there, Star Girl.”

My pulse stutters and then tries to catch up. “Really?”

Nathaniel shrugs. “Sure. Whatever.”

I’m not sure if it’s something he really wants, but he asked me and so I do. I start off easy and show him the big dipper. I move to Orion and Pegasus and on and on. I don’t know how interested he is, but he at least pretends to be. He asks questions and looks at each one and listens to me talk.